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Posts by SHABAIL
Joined: Feb 7, 2010
Last Post: Feb 12, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 17  

Displayed posts: 18
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SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Poetry / analyse this poem -- walking in cluster of clouds [4]

I think the main you need to think about is how is love connected to the stars in the sky. Your verbs such as twinkled and glittered might need to be a little more descriptive. Everything in this poem is visual, I'm not really feeling it.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / Toefl; Do clothes have any influence on how people behave? [7]

I went through the 2 first paragraphs to try and help with your word order and connotation. I changed a lot but kept your core meaning. I hope this is helpful

However, as in myAs far as I am concerned , clothes are definitely not a thing an article that can control our behaviors. We behave as who we are, but not as what we are wearing.

Off cause s Sometimes we chose different clothing according to different occasionalthe appropriate occasion.TheenvironmentCivilizationand societymade usexpect us to behave like a gentleman or a lady in a formal party"ladies and gentlemen" in formal situations,andit is our nature to conform to the norms of society.So according to the rules, we need to chose a formal suit or a formal dress.The situation is we who are in the formal clothes are gentleman or lady,However, it is our manners that dictate who we are in these social situations, not our clothes.only when these clothes on.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "a family meeting" - obstacle essay [5]

To tell the truth, a As far back as I can remember, my father has been almost solely taking care of hertaken it upon himself to provide most of her care. Buying groceries and driving to another parish just to provide her with food, all the while having siblings that just lived around the corner who rarely showed any concern . It was only a matter of time until he had brought her to come live with us.

This sentence sounds excessively harsh:
I thought that it was so unfair to have her at my house and I kept wondering why my father would give up the serenity of our home for her.

You say that your father loves her 2 times in consecutive sentences so you should removed from this first one
It was not until one night at a family meeting that my father asked us to be more patient with his mother. And then it dawned on me, that despite all the struggles we have had to face because of my grandmother, she was still family., and my father still loved her.

Word order here:
Out of all the people involved it was my father who was most stressed and provoked by herwith theblunt of the stress and the most provoked by her behavior was my father behavior, and he himself knows how upset she can make him, but he loves her nonethelessyet he loved her regardless.

Grammar and vocab suggestion:
It wasn't until I put myself in my father's shoes that I truly realized how he feels and that was enough to bring about some morea mature patience and compassion in me.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia Transfer: How and why is your present school not meeting your needs? [5]

When I nervously peaked into my first class at a community college, I was confused about whether or not I had come to the right place.

Some people wore suits with their company IDs and some had white hair and a walking cane.were dressed professionally and were older than your traditional student.

Since I was used to having a class with similar aged classmates peers, this particular classroom setting was radically different from what I had expected.was used to.

It led me to valuable experiences such as tutoring from which I have learned the value of education by observing the positive influence that my students received and sponsoring a child, Nara, in Indonesia. This gave me the desire to assist developing countries to structure their economies in ways that will enable them to provide education to all children.

Upon finishing the most relevant program at the college, an associate degree in Liberal Arts with International Studies concentration, I realized the necessity to pursue further education in a competent four-year institution such as Columbia. By transferring I hope that will become adequately prepared to reach my personal goal: to provide education to children suffering from poverty by studying International and Development Economics and broadening both my academic and cultural perspectives.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / CCAD personal, artistic, career goals [3]

This is a great essay. It has a nice flow and few if any grammatical errors. The only advice I can give is to perhaps tie your quote in to the body of the essay itself in order to exemplify its meaning.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App - Topic of Your Own Choice (How I Face Challenges) [3]

You write well but I don't really feel like referring to college and other accomplishments as victims is not a good way to personify. Perhaps refer to them as beasts that need taming or are being hunted, something that doesn't come off so dark, aggressive, and murderous. I don't know it may just be me, but you may be sending wrong signals.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / The apocalypse, or judgment day - Help For essay sample Northwest University [9]

Hi everyone !
I am applying forto Northwestern U niversity and they rare asking me to write a sampleessay .

It has to be based on a story, for example a real incident, a popular tale or an anecdote, and then iI have to develop it into a discussion of an issue related to our contemporary world.

It has to be coherantcoherent , organized, and have with good arguments

I have an idea but imI'm not sure about it.

For the story, I am thinking about the apocalypse, or judgementjudgment day. All those stories about the end of the world.

Then, i want to develop that introduction into the environment problems. We know that someday, somehow, the end of the world will come, it washas been proven scientifically.

The core of my essay will be that this situation leaves us with the question of the human being' s existence. Even thothough we have made significant progress in the technologies, in the science; even thothough we have a religion, all of these creations made by the human kind will vanish like we never existed.

then, for a second part, iI will talk about how the human being can win against the Nature with his intelligence, referingreferring to the proverb of Blaise Pascal," Nature is stronger than mankind but mankind is stronger than Nature in the fact that it knows that it is weaker than Nature."

I will then be talking about the actual projects : going to Mars and instauringinstalling(I don't even know what you were trying to spell here), a military basement there to save part of human beings. I discuss about wetherwhetheritsit is feasible or not, and about the morality of that gesture (only some of the human beings).

Its not all of it, iI have to improve the way of presenting it. I just want to know if I can continue in this way, or if imI'm totally out of subject.

Thanks for uryour help

This is a good outline. You should really work on grammar especially on a website that is based around essay writing. I think you may have posted this thread in the wrong forum, perhaps the feedback forum would be best suited for the advice you are asking for.

-Sharla
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement- Why having Asperger's has inspired me to join Peace Corps [6]

If someone would be willing to critique and check my essays for grammatical mistakes the advice would be greatly helpful and appreciated. If there are any former or current Peace Corps volunteers who have pointers as to what a recruiter might be looking for in this essay or my second, your words would be priceless. Thank you for taking the time to review this in advance!

Acting like a Diplomat



My reasons for wanting to serve as Peace Corps volunteer stem from a life history of struggle and self discovery. Until being formally diagnosed in college, I have grown-up untreated with a neurological condition known as Asperger's syndrome (AS). AS is an autism spectrum disorder that is exemplified by difficulty in social interactions and eccentrical mannerisms. Having AS as a childhood made it very challenging to meet new people (let alone to keeping lasting relationships), make friends, or speak in front of groups. When forced into such situations anxiety overwhelmed me, and I often retreated within myself. Without treatment or counseling to help me overcome my barriers to forming real relationships with people I was incredibly lonely and became detached from my peers, my teachers, and my family.

To help me with my condition my mother did something that forever changed me; she made me volunteer. Being a reluctant 9 year old, I did at first feel obligated to give up my afterschool play time just to spend it handing out donated pastries at a local soup kitchen. However, I soon came to understand that my time was not being wasted, but rather I was spending it helping people and forming human connections. For the first time I felt like I was apart of a community and it was that feeling that fueled a calling in me.

I continued to serve my community by joining Key Club in high school. Key Club was yet another eye-opening experience to a new and much larger picture. By joining Key Club I was able to not only serve local, but nationally, and internationally. In order to make a larger impact I took on community service projects such as the "Trick-or-Treat" fundraiser for UNICEF. To be successful in these pursuits I had to learn to speak to crowds in order to express the importance of what I was doing. Although I was only one person my contribution was making global differences.

When volunteering, communication transcends words and the relationships that are made take on a profound meaning. Learning to communicate with people through my actions and intentions has made me realize it does not matter that I am shy or awkward, because in the end it boils down to the fact that I am making a difference in lives of others; a feeling words can not describe. Coming to this realization has given me purpose and allowed me to surpass the textbook limitations of AS.

I want to continue my journey into the next stage of my life by joining Peace Corps after college. With the confidence I have gained from volunteering, I know I can exemplify the mission of the Peace Corps by doing whatever is needed of me for the betterment of others. To do so successfully I know I will perform the Peace Corps 10 Core Expectations to the best of my abilities. The Expectations that will present themselves as personal challenges are:

9. Recognize that you will be perceived, in your host country and community, as a representative of the people, cultures, values and traditions of the United States of America;

10. Represent responsibly the people, cultures, values and traditions of your host country and community to people in the United States both during and following your service.

Both of these expectations would require me to act as diplomat; the test being for two cultures simultaneously. In order to fulfill both of these expectations I would have to learn to be completely flexible, and open-minded to the ideas and opinions of the people within the community of my host country in addition to embracing their culture wholeheartedly. Having overcome many difficult social situations, facing these unique obstacles will be one of many life lessons I would aspire to accomplish in order to serve effectively in the communities of other countries.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / Toefl; Do clothes have any influence on how people behave? [7]

Well it is a good disagreement to the essay question and therefor a good opposing argument . I personally believe that cloths definitely influence the way people behave. Different outfits allow us to take on different persona and explore the corners of our egos. I think your thought process it right on key.
SHABAIL   
Feb 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / Toefl; Do clothes have any influence on how people behave? [7]

If person feels the need tothe clothes to sigh his personalityportray their personality with fashion, I can only say it's too pathetic they probably lack self-identity and confidence.

You don't need to specify a sex in an essay like this as these are common behaviors for both sexes, and you don't want to sound negative using words like pathetic

As an independent human beingEvery human being is a unique individual , our minds which decide our behavior should be independent toand therefor we should express ourselves in a likewise fashion.If we can only chase the colorful models in the fashion shows, then where are ourselves?There are those of use who pine to mimic models on the catwalk and in magazines, but why would you want to spend time looking like someone else? If just only beautifulfashionable clothes can make you feel like a princessimportant , then excessive procedures like plastic surgery should disappear, while the truth is it's been more and more flourishingbut this not the case these days.

Clothing makes this world warm and colorful, but people in the end need more self-awareness confidence ratherthan behaving posing in our own clothes. Ironically, nowadays fashion and entertainment become our oral topics every day conversation . H ow long have it beenwill it take for ussociety to stop and see who we are and what kind of people we want to be?

The sentences I rewrote in my own words are just examples for you should think about conveying your message. Try to rewrite what you want to say different ways until they start to fit together. And most importantly USE YOUR OWN WORDS! You can paraphrase your own essay, that is all I did
SHABAIL   
Feb 12, 2010
Faq, Help / Why is my topic / thread deleted? [78]

Are threads deleted after they're responded by a moderator? I posted a thread, it's still in my favorites but it's not listed in the "my threads" folder
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