Undergraduate / UT Austin Statement of Purpose (bodybuilding and diabetes) [6]

Hi just came upon this website and am very happy I did. Seems like you have a very nice and helpful community.I hope to submit and critique some works and make this community even better.

Okay this is what I have so far with the statement of purpose for UT Austin I have had it critiqued and this is my third draft and I am feeling pretty confident that it is close to the final product; just need a strong title at this point. Please feel free to point out any weakness or changes that need to be made.

Thank You

I began junior high with the asinine assumption that the sciences were useless and had no day-to-day or practical application to them. For the first few years my assumptions were correct; not once were my skills in biology or chemistry ever called into question outside of school. Many would consider my request for admissions into the College of Natural Sciences Biology Department a strange choice, if I were still a sophomore in high school I would have agreed. Following my second year of high school two pivotal changes occurred in my life: bodybuilding and my dad's continued battle with diabetes. These two events have shaped me and are the deciding factors for my aspiration to obtain a degree in biology. Once I secure a B.S in Human Biology I will continue my professional education until I finally obtain the credentials required to practice Endocrinology.

Bodybuilding, though generally stigmatized with the image of meathead type characters with more brawn then wit has actually evolved into a very delicate and precise balance of patience, discipline, and science. When I began lifting I thought the more pounds I lifted the more I would grow. You should have seen how surprised I was to find that I had hit a plateau and just couldn't accelerate higher loads. Then it dawned on me, to break through this obstacle I would need to research. After preliminary findings I learned that Central Nervous System (CNS) activation is necessary for muscle gain and that by inhibiting my insulin levels before my workout I could increase the natural production of growth hormone post workout. Since then I have been eagerly following the latest in research from the Journal of Sport Sciences and Medicine (JSSM). The patience, discipline, and commitment required to be a great drug free bodybuilder have not been contained in one aspect of my life; rather, they have seeped into everything I do. From family to work, school, and anytime I take on a task -- I give it everything I have, because I cannot stand to just to finish an endeavor anymore. I must excel in it and from this need to excel stems my need to help the diabetic.

Diabetes is a very serious subject for my family and for a lot of other families across the world. My dad has had diabetes for as long as I can remember; I didn't really think it was too serious since all he had to do was prick his finger once a day and that was the end of the whole ordeal. Since studying the human body more discretely, I have learned that it is not the case. Diabetes can lead to many serious issues, including stroke, heart disease, and blindness. To compound the issue, my father lives oversees for work related purposes and since my siblings are now at a point in their lives where changing schools can possibly hurt their education, my mother is forced to live in Texas. I can tell you from experience that having a family member suffer a heart attack overseas is one of the most painful things one can endure. You are utterly helpless, even if you wanted to go visit them it can turn out to be very difficult. The quickest way you could get out to them would roughly take 24 hours. Since the moment my mother called me into the room to tell me what had happened I decided that as soon as I got a chance I would do everything possible to insure no family member had to go through what I did. With further education I believe that I can make the prevalent nature of this disease disappear. I firmly believe that there is a way doctors and researchers can figure out a solution for poor circulation in the legs, when it is found diabetics will be more inclined to exercise and thus slow down or stop the deterioration of their health. The problem is research on this subject is "sparse" at best.

The University of Texas at Austin is a leader in research funding and spends millions each year to ensure that they have the most up to date equipment and distinguished staff in Texas. Because of this fundamental reason I am requesting a transfer from the University of Texas at Arlington to UT-Austin. My time spent at UTA has been nothing less than remarkable and attending the university my father graduated from was an honor, but I feel I will be able to leave a significant mark on mankind through research if I am given the opportunity to attend a university where biological experimentation is a top priority. Two research projects that particularly interest me are: Professor Mary Steinhardt's diabetes exercise based self-management program and Professor Sharon Brown's study on strategies to prevent type-2 diabetes. Programs like these will help me to get a better understanding of the laboratory environment, while I am able to help a cause that I am very passionate toward.

After considering my hobbies and experiences I consider myself very blessed. I have found a sport that gives me an inexhaustible amount of drive and determination, to chase after any goals I set for myself. Through my father's ordeal and rehabilitation I have found a cause to put my time and energy toward. At this junction in time I believe through science and sheer perseverance many of the world's ailments can be quelled and hope to lend a shoulder toward the betterment of humanity.

Undergraduate / Ut Austin Essay B (Poverty and Education) [10]

Id like to start off by saying thank you to all those who helped me with my Statement of Purpose. It turned out far better than I had imagined and I am sure with your guidance Essay B will be just as good.

The prompt is listed below and I am looking forward to your comments and criticisms

Personal Essay
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

The child raised his hand to his mouth and pretended to eat something. He then put his hands together as if to pray, bowed his head, and pleaded for money. I had 20 Indian rupees (roughly 45 cents) remaining and gave the sum to the boy. He thanked me and claimed this was the most money he'd ever received. The boy left our car and proceeded to the next car stuck at the stoplight. As he left, beggars barraged our car from all sides. Mothers pressed their unclothed babies forward, older men lifted their tattered garments to reveal missing limbs, and children told us how long it had been since they last ate. That was my first experience with absolute poverty.

I have travelled abundantly and have visited nearly every state in the union, Canada, many countries in the European Union, Australia, Fiji, India, Pakistan, and the United Arab Emirates. During my travels I have witnessed the living conditions people cope with everyday. Commonalities that I have compared and contrasted along my journeys are groups of people with immense wealth and other groups with very little capital. For example when I took a trip to Dubai summer of 2009, I saw huge multimillion dollar buildings, exotic cars on every street corner, and malls that would make the Mall of America look like a child's play thing. To say the locals were well off is an understatement, but if one looked to the opposite end of the spectrum they would see the blue collar workers who shed blood, sweat, and tears to build Dubai. The men and women would earn a couple of dollars an hour and had to sustain a living in Dubai while sending money home to Indonesia, Pakistan or India. This was the most evident comparison of wealth and poverty that I had ever seen.

After some deliberation I have come to the conclusion that the current system of world aid is in need of a serious overhaul. The organizations that distribute aid need to be more transparent about how they are spending donated money. Organizations need to change their priorities; we need to focus more resources on education. With education we can increase human capital in poorly developed countries exponentially.

After the Haiti earthquake I have conversed with many individuals who believe that we should spend aid money at home and renovate conditions here before we approach international affairs. I respectfully disagree on the grounds that if we invest into underdeveloped countries we can benefit from increased trade with them in the future. In essence by investing a comparatively small sum of money, our economy can reap considerable dividends when the third world nation's standard of living increases. The world functions in a ways that is very similar to the way any sports team functions: when the weakest link is strengthened, the rest of the team can attempt to improve.

Poverty and the lack of education will bring the world to its knees if something is not done. A quote by Norman Peale comes to mind, "Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads can do that." I feel certain that if the citizens of wealthy nations give more of their hard-earned money and charities use it effectively we can overcome the gap that has divided the rich and poor for so long.