Undergraduate / "volleyball as a part of my life in college" - UIUC Extracurricular Essay [2]

Leipharm--

Very well written essay.
Although you have an excellent groundwork and awesome material-- you have a passion for volleyball, and are obviously succcesful-- I would rework the structure to grab the reader.

You could open the essay talking about your dad. An example...

"From the sidelines of the tournament, I watched my dad spring into the air and spike the volleyball over the net. As his adult league teammates gathered around for congratulatory high-fives, my eyes remained fixed on my father's sweaty face and triumphant smile. Alhough I was only four years old, volleyball had already left a profound impression upon me.

Then, describe your own journey...


"However, my dad's passion for volleyball inspired my own passion for the sport. It was because of him that I developed into a respectable volleyball player at the age of twelve, enabling me to make the Sports Performance Volleyball Club, an aggressive program that competes at the national level..."

So basically... hook to grab attention, then explain your own journey.


This is great, but if your team had any great successes-- defeating a key rival, etc.-- I'd mention that.


Also very good... reconsider the "indirectly used in my life" portion.

"The leadership, teamwork, and discipline involved in volleyball inspire me to succeed both on and off the court".

Undergraduate / Stanford's Intellectual Vitality Essay-- Brother's Leukemia [9]

Ok thanks. Also, I'm interested in taking a course in human biology at Stanford, which studies how people and their environments effect one another... should I work that in?

Undergraduate / my volunteering at AISforEGYPT, response, an extracurricular activity/work experience [4]

Great subject matter. The ending becomes slightly vague; maybe name the other clubs you are involved with. It's powerful enough to cut off the entire last paragraph, if you are struggling with space limits. I think the greatest improvement would just be some editing.

Undergraduate / My struggle with teamwork and leadership [5]

For the first paragraph, I would make sure the app reader knows that your inability to lead is in the past.

"Some people have a natural ability to lead. I am not one of those people. In the years before high school, I was the kid who sitting on the side watching the alpha males and females take charge..."

Also, an important distinction: did you watch the other kids and not do work because you were uncomfortable, or did you do work but just not speak up? I think it's risky to imply you didn't do work/contribute at all.

Undergraduate / Stanford's Intellectual Vitality Essay-- Brother's Leukemia [9]

When we were toddlers, my twin brother Matt and I loved to play in the bath. One night, my mother noticed a small red sore on his toe. Two weeks later, Matt began chemotherapy sessions at Stanford Hospital to combat Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. As powerful steroids took effect, his voice soared up in pitch, his hair floated down in tufts, and his chance of survival dropped to 20%. Although all our blood relatives and many strangers were tested as potential donors, a male in the Netherlands was Matt's only match. He agreed to undergo surgery and donate his bone marrow. It was flown to Stanford from halfway across the world, held in a red and white cooler normally reserved for chilling sodas. Due to extensive European privacy laws, my parents do not know the name or the face of the man whose marrow helped save their son's life. Matt's experience left me with constant awe for the complexity of the human genome. Though our family has no recorded ancestors from the Netherlands, one man from Amsterdam had the correct genetic makeup to save my twin's life. While Matt's catheter scars fade over the years, my fascination for genetics and common ancestry continues to grow.

While my parents were often in the hospital with Matt, my grandmother and I developed a shared passion for genealogy. We have traced our lineage from 17th century English peasants to a Mormon polygamist with seven wives. Following such threads back to their common knot has become our favorite game, an ongoing hunt for birth records, death records, marriage licenses, and the love letters in between. I want to take courses from Stanford's Human Biology department in order to learn more about the interconnection of all human life, from a man living in Amsterdam to the twin sister of a Leukemia survivor.

Undergraduate / "My ba ngoai" - Common app essay: Personal essay [11]

Awesome description-- I love the line


I agree with ragarasika-- break it up. Add paragraph breaks between the passage about your grandmother, the passage about the street ("Outside, I can hear the rumble of...") and the final passage about you.

It's a powerful piece about your heritage and your multi-faceted identity.

Undergraduate / "Traces of my diffidence" - letter to roommate [3]

Hahahaha this is awesome! (I'm also trying to answer the same Stanford prompt!)

The focus on feeling "embarrassed" by success is awesome-- and also extremely relatable.


Possible run-on sentence-- the part about the bug in science class is clever. I would end the sentence at "science class" and then make a new sentence about how you are now grateful for having such a unique name, etc.


Is humiliation the right word? Perhaps a better way to phrase this is "Eventually, my embarrassment in the face of recognition was transformed into self-respect and modesty..."