Undergraduate / "I saw a tragic accident" - UF admission essay-July 2007 [4]

Hello, I was wondering if it would be possible for you to give me some advice as to how to improve my essay.

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

"June 2007 was by far one of the most life changing moments I ever experienced. That was the night that as I was walking out under the stars, when I witnessed a tragedy. Rooted in my place by both shock and sympathy, I watched as the flashing lights of ambulances approached the scene, their sirens shattering the peace of the quiet night. Within a span of ten minutes, an audience had gathered to watch the progressions of the ambulance. I watched in fascination and shock as the paramedics worked at a quick pace, trying to salvage the injured people that they could.

Ever since that tragic night, I view everyday life in a different light; I no longer take life for granted and try my hardest at succeeding in every venture I take. I feel as if the community of the University of Florida will help me succeed further in life, that it will help me reach my full potential. At the same time, I feel as if I can contribute to the campus community because not only am I dedicated and hard-working, but I am also extremely responsible. For example, my entire high school career, I have been taking AICE classes from the very beginning, and even now in my senior year, I am taking all three AICE sciences. Despite the fact that one of the sciences I am taking is not my strongest suite, I am still trying my hardest to get a good grade in that class. I have been studying more than I did before and have slowly but steadily started bringing my grade up in that class.

I may not always succeed in my goals, but I always make sure that I try my hardest to succeed. It can be said that once I put my mind to something, I make sure that I do everything possible to reach that goal. I know that the campus community is filled with a diversity of students, all who are no doubt smart, but I feel as if I could contribute by sharing what knowledge I have and in turn gaining the knowledge that I do not yet possess. I am not only a dedicated student, but I am also extremely responsible and I feel as if these two traits will help me fit in perfectly at UF. Going to UF will allow me to reach my full potential because not only will I give to the campus, I will also gain many treasures, knowledge wise."

The essay so far is a total of ... words and I was just wondering on how to improve it.

Thank You!
Anche Sanan

Student Talk / Georgia Tech - wondering about my chances of getting in? [29]

Hi all, I am planning on applying to Georgia Tech in the near future. As a matter of fact I am almost done with my application.

I was however wondering about my chances of getting in.

I have been a volunteer at my local Temple for 3 years now and at Baptist for 1 year
I have been in AICE classes since 9th grade
I currently am the president of Mu Alpha Theta
I have been a member of the engineering club for 3 years and of the Ecology Club for 4 years
I got a 590 in my Reading SAT and a 670 in my Math SAT and a 760 in my Writing SAT
I have been taking either Chemistry or Physics since 9th grade for every year and this year I have all three sciences
I am in the top 10% of my graduating class

Undergraduate / Biomedical Engineering: Innovation, discovery, technological revolution:Johns Hopkins [3]

Hey all, I just wanted to share my Johns Hopkins essay with you. If you have any critique or such I am open to it.

Thanks =)

1. Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

Innovation, discovery, and technological revolution are all words that create a future image for my life's ambition. My ambition is to major in Biomedical Engineering and become a General Surgeon. Why Biomedical? Biomedical Engineering is applying engineering principles to a medical field, allowing for the development of technology that improves healthcare and allows for doctors to be more precise and accurate in their work.

Although initially I was undecided as to whether I should pursue Engineering or Medicine as a career, it finally dawned upon me that it was possible for me to do both. I feel that majoring in Biomedical Engineering will enable me to learn more about the ever-changing machines that are used in medicine today. What makes those machines function? Why do they work the way they do? How exactly are they built?

These are all questions that peak my interest and are questions that I want to know the answers to. I want to be able to fully appreciate the machinery being used; I want to grasp the concept of it and apply that concept when I am one day using those machines. For me, majoring in Biomedical Engineering will allow me to appreciate the machinery that I am using.

I find it amazing as well as intriguing how machines play such a big part when it comes to somebody's health. A person that has diabetes simply has to wear a pump that continuously infuses insulin into his body. This is just one example of the many types of technological wonders that have been created through Biomedical Engineering. A person can now have a prosthetic eye or an artificial hip joint.

I feel as if without Biomedical Engineering, Medicine wouldn't be where it is today. More than half of the successes in medicine are due to technological wonders like MRI's and CT scans. Biomedical Engineering is the type of engineering that will allow me to work with and create devices that will be used in medicine to heal another human being.