Undergraduate / Superhero Sidekick - Common App Essay #5 [4]

I think it's not a good fit to talk about something up in the cloud in a college application essay. We can understand that you are a good thinker, but maybe you should talk more specific or real experiences in life. For example, you think about "gay-marriage rights", so what did you do to achieve your goal? Admission officers seek for someone who has courage to think boldly, but more important, they like people who can make actions to realize dreams.

Undergraduate / Blessed: my stay in the Gambia (significant experience, risk..) [4]

This experience is very distinctive.I like it!~ The first paragraphy is also appealing! However, the lesson you learned from such a unique experiance is somewhat shallow. You just understand that you need to value greatly what you have? Don't you want to do something in the future to truely help these children to change their situation? I can feel that you want to express this idea in the last sentence--"it has certainly changed my character and outlook on life", but this sentence is too broad, ambiguous and universal. Make it specific. I'm sure you can write something much more deeply through this experience!

PS. You sentences are often too long. I know you want to use these difficult sentences structures to prove you are intelligent. However, considering admission officers are extremely tired when reading essays, you'd better cut your sentences short. :)

Undergraduate / collecting tears because of heart-touching works -commonApp essay [8]

Maybe you should focus on one or two things. (we've already talked about this in class :)
( Do you think meeting classmates on this foreign website is a kind of weird?~~ haha~~)

Undergraduate / "The Legacy of Tolerance" - Common App- How I faced discrimination and ignorance [6]

Hi,
The structure is good~
However, it seems that the guilty guy in the 2nd paragraphy has nothing to do with ur thesis--"tolerance". And I think writing about "tolerance" is not a very good perspective of these anecdotes. It shows that you are a little weak~ Maybe your perseverance or courage to "fight against" the group of Caucasian teenagers is better. (It's just my opinion. I'm not a experienced essay writer, so don't completely trust me~~)

:)