Undergraduate / "Aikido, Martial Arts" - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [8]

Thanks for the input!
I'm currently reworking it.

May I know why I should eliminate the particle 'an' though?

Undergraduate / "Aikido, Martial Arts" - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [8]

Here's my rewrite. Not much changed though.

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Unlike virtuosos, I did not begin my avocation as a toddler. In fact, I have never heard of it until six months before I started Aikido. But the moment I entered an Aikido dojo, my heart was racing erratically and shouting that I belonged in the dojo. Simply observing my upperclassmen perform those graceful forms made my pulse pound. Practicing those forms allowed my ki--my energy--to flow within myself and around me. I felt that all my pent-up ki found its purpose. Every time I exit the dojo, my brain would tell me that I would always be coming back. My beginning might be a little late but my passion for my activity is just as strong as any other genius' towards their expertise.

---
I'm considering eliminating the sentenced that has a strike-through. I don't think it fits very well with the paragraph.What do you think?

Word count:124

Undergraduate / "Aikido, Martial Arts" - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [8]

I agree that the concluding sentence is abrupt. I'm considering adding this before the final sentence:

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Aikido is my avenue, the Shangri-la I spent nearly two decades searching.

---

By avenue I mean outlet, egress, etc.

Undergraduate / "What I love about Tennis"-common application essay on one of activities. [10]

I have been playing tennis regularly since I was at primary school. Even today, I always try to find the time to play in the midst of my hectic schedule. However, I did not naturally enjoy this sport. My dad is a huge fan of tennis; he used to push pressured me to love the game, which led to occasional quarrels got us bickering sometimes back then.

As I grew older , I started missing it whenever I could not play. I thought then, "What's got into me?" I figured out realized that I have fallen in love with the essence of playing tennis: the competition, the art of learning the opponent's ability , the value of striving until the end of the game, and the nobility to shake the opponent's hand even after getting beaten in the fiercest match. Those are values that inspired me, not only on the court but off the court as well. Tennis has taught me to live and loveit.

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I only corrected a few obvious grammar errors. I also replaced a few words to make it more concise.
English is not my native tongue either. :/

Word count: 142

Undergraduate / "Aikido, Martial Arts" - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity [8]

You're welcome Jane! I'm glad I could be of help. :]

I added the "Aikido is my avenue [...]" sentence before my final sentence.

Thanks a lot to everyone who posted here!

Undergraduate / "What I love about Tennis"-common application essay on one of activities. [10]

You're welcome, Jane!

And thanks for the compliment! :]

I think you have a pretty good idea but you should rewrite the section below to make your short answer stronger:

"I realized that I have fallen in love with tennis: the competition, learning the opponent's ability, the value of striving until the end of the game, and the nobility to shake the opponent's hand even after getting beaten in the fiercest match ."

You can shorten the red sentence (if you'd like) into one word: "sportsmanship".

I also think this sentence is a bit cliche: "Those are values that inspired me, not only on the court but off the court as well."

Also: "Tennis has taught me how to live and love." Maybe change this a little bit because it does not tie very well with the rest of the paragraph.

I think its great how you were able to enumerate why you love tennis and your history of it in under 150 words.

Best wishes!

Undergraduate / "Sweat, Strain, and Surmount" - a person who has made an impact on you [8]

BEGIN---
I met Rizki at the beginning of my sophomore year. He was one of those notorious trouble-makersdelinquents at school who looked more like a street gangster rather than a student of the town's best high schoolin town. I rememberHe once got aserved a severe detention for smoking in the restroom during a break, and not to mention a myriad of other detentions for minor offenses.

During my sophomore year , I had the chance to work with him for organizing school events, and thereafter got know him better. I learned from some friends **that life had been harsh to him . His father had an affair and left his motherthem when he was a child ; **confronted by the situation , his mother had to take over the role as the family's only breadwinner. I have seen and heard a lot of stories of kids who grew up in such conditions , and most of them end up in misery throughout their life. I told myself I could not let this trend happen to him. I teased and scolded him for his bad behavior, hoping that they would evoke a sense of embarrassment and guilt in him. I admonished him for his smoking, condemned it as an unhealthy habit and a waste of money. At the same time, Concerned with his constantly bad grades, I occasionally tutored him. Gradually he seemed to get more serious about his school and about his life.

To my complete surprise, he was not advanced to the junior level at the end of the school year .

END---

This is as far as I can get for now. The parts colored in red with ** are what I think you should change. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / "Sweat, Strain, and Surmount" - a person who has made an impact on you [8]

BEGIN ---

I was utterly disappointed. He said that he was really sorry and was disappointed with himself for not trying harder. Then he added, "But hey, I'm a smoker no more". I know how hard it must have been for him to refrain from smoking since he had been addicted to it for years. I realized then that he had not bluntly ignored my advice; but why did his grades show the opposite? Only later, did I find out that his mother had been sick, so he had to work after school and at the same time take care of his mother. When I heard this, my heart sank and I was sad. All I thought was, 'Life is so unfair'! But why did he blame himself instead? I pondered this over and came to a conclusion that either he did so because he did not want to justify his failure by exposing his noble deed, or perhaps, he thought there was nothing special about taking care of his mother and the family. I was touched when I realized this, but apparently, there were more unexpected things to come.

At the end of the following school year, he walked down the hall with a big uninterrupted smile wreathed on his face; he swayed away to my class once he saw me sitting there. He handed me his report book. I had presumed that he made it this time; ***nonetheless, his scores drove me in awe. He was ranked in the top 25% of his class! I almost jumped off my seat. I congratulated him and promised to treat him up after school. During lunch, I could not help but to make him unravel whatever being the top 25% at class had cost him. He rambled on many interesting stories, but all of them unanimously pointed out 'determination' as the main factor.

I have always thought that determination was a quality I was best at, but in the end, Rizki opened my eyes to see that I still have so much to learn. I reminisced about my previous achievements that have made me quite complacent, I realized then that I have always had the ideal environment: I have loving and supporting parents and family, munchies to accompany me studying, and a wide screen TV to untie my tangled mind. How far can determination really go under such circumstances? Realizing that I would not be able to stay in my comfort zone my entire life, I began my quest for true life .

University would be the best place to begin this quest. I have and will strive, even twice as hard as others, to get accepted at the University of Miami, the gateway to my successful future. I realized that, even the best student is not guaranteed admission because of the competitive pool of applicants; does that intimidate me? Yes, honestly. But do I ever consider turning back? Big NO. I am looking for a life time experience, I am looking forward to the opportunity to strain myself to my fullest ability and live innumerable experiences I would not be able to get elsewhere. I am eager to face new challenges and meet lots of people around the world with whom I can share my thoughts, values, and hear their feedbacks. With all these in mind, my friends could say, "From Indonesia? Big move", "You're so positive ", but nothing is going to stop me. Thanks Rizki for opening my mind, I am now perfectly aware of what I am doing, "I'm giving myself a chance".

END ---

I really like the bolded sentence but it can still be improved in terms of diction.

The red and bolded section is great but I think you should change the "... for true life" part into something different. Think opposite of comfort zone?

*** I don't think this word is really needed.

I love your conclusion.

Great work!

Undergraduate / "From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico: I stayed in Taos" UNC-Chapel Hill Essay [9]

Thanks for the feedback jane!
I'm referring to my parents when I say they. I think I'm going to write about how I'm doing without my parents around.

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT #1 I am third generation to live in KENYA... [4]

To further my education I attended an American International school known as the Rift Valley Academy.

In fact I don't think you should add the school name at all if it is already in your application.

I live in a society where a man gets stoned to death for stealing a loaf of bread to feed his family.

I really like your essay. Your conclusion is especially inspiring.

Undergraduate / "My Alien Family"- UC prompt feedback [7]

I really like how you portray the conflict within the Filipino-American family (it happens in my household too!). Also, the conflict within yourself searching for an identity. I think you've captured the essence of being a Filipino in America very well. Though you should try and edit more of your run-on sentences or at least make it more concise.

Undergraduate / "From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico: I stayed in Taos" UNC-Chapel Hill Essay [9]

Here's an edited version:
...

Can someone please help me with my introduction? I think my introduction is very weak.

Undergraduate / "From the Philippines to Texas to New Mexico: I stayed in Taos" UNC-Chapel Hill Essay [9]

Kevin, thank you for affirming my suspicions! :) It really helps.

Please take a look at my new intro.
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A Chinese proverb states that "a child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark." Yet my parents' mark was not really a mark. They were always too busy and moved often; they would be moving again to Santa Fe.

----
Not too sure about my last sentence here. Though, I'd really need some sort of transition sentence from the intro to the 2nd paragraph. Unless, I just change a part of the 2nd paragraph too.

Again, thank you Kevin!

Scholarship / "support from the community" - Short Leadership Essay - UT [3]

After 3three years of taking, it was time to give back to those we took from.

I took the responsibility to plan 4four hours worth of activities, ask local businesses if they would be willing to sponsor such an event providing prizes and lunch, and publicize what was being planned.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- --

I really like how you were able to answer the prompt well in such a limited number of words. I think you should also write how successful the clinic was because, after all, it asks for your leadership ability. I'd like to say I spotted a few run-on sentences but I'm not too sure (English is not my native language). Other than that, I think your initiative to start the clinic is incredible.

Undergraduate / Gay Rights and Why I want to attend- Vesalius College [12]

I really like your second essay. Though, I think you should show this to your English teacher (really helps!) because I spot a few grammatical errors. When you said you wanted to be a Foreign Services Officer, it was really quite a surprise, though a pleasant one.