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"Aikido, Martial Arts" - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity


sdawn 2 / 15  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Yep, its the Common App Short Answer Writing prompt.
The prompt requires to elaborate on an extracurricular activity or work experience in 150 words or fewer.

The activity I chose is Aikido.

"Unlike virtuosos, I did not begin my avocation as a toddler. In fact, I have never heard of it until six months before I started doing Aikido. But the moment I entered an Aikido dojo, my heart was racing erratically and shouting that I belonged in the dojo. I could hear my pulse pounding, my breath beating every time I observe my upperclassmen perform graceful forms. I could feel my soul jumping up and down every time I practice those graceful forms. And every time I exit the dojo, my brain would tell me that I would always be coming back. My beginning might be a little late but my passion for my activity is just as strong as any other genius'."
888snazhar04 2 / 1  
Oct 29, 2010   #2
In fact, I have never heard of it until six months before I started doing Aikido.

But the moment I entered an Aikido dojo, my heart was racing erratically and shouting that I belonged in the dojo.

I could feel my soul jumping up and down every time I practice those graceful forms.

I feel like this is redundant to the phrase preceding this sentence...

Overall I like it, but it just needs some revision. Good luck! :)
OP sdawn 2 / 15  
Oct 29, 2010   #3
Thanks for the input!
I'm currently reworking it.

May I know why I should eliminate the particle 'an' though?
OP sdawn 2 / 15  
Oct 29, 2010   #4
Here's my rewrite. Not much changed though.

---
Unlike virtuosos, I did not begin my avocation as a toddler. In fact, I have never heard of it until six months before I started Aikido. But the moment I entered an Aikido dojo, my heart was racing erratically and shouting that I belonged in the dojo. Simply observing my upperclassmen perform those graceful forms made my pulse pound. Practicing those forms allowed my ki--my energy--to flow within myself and around me. I felt that all my pent-up ki found its purpose. Every time I exit the dojo, my brain would tell me that I would always be coming back. My beginning might be a little late but my passion for my activity is just as strong as any other genius' towards their expertise.

---
I'm considering eliminating the sentenced that has a strike-through. I don't think it fits very well with the paragraph.What do you think?

Word count:124
ninja1992 6 / 11  
Oct 29, 2010   #5
I really like sdawns re-write, although I still think the concluding sentence could be stronger. Maybe you could do something like - Even though I started late, my passion for the activity (sport?) is just as strong as any Aikido master's.

Overall, I really like it. I think you wrapped up a complete idea in the small word count well, which ALWAYS gives me problems. :)
OP sdawn 2 / 15  
Oct 30, 2010   #6
I agree that the concluding sentence is abrupt. I'm considering adding this before the final sentence:

---

Aikido is my avenue, the Shangri-la I spent nearly two decades searching.

---

By avenue I mean outlet, egress, etc.
jane_the 5 / 30  
Oct 30, 2010   #7
Hi Stephanie, thank you for critiquing my essay, your critique is really helpful and I totally admire your skill in trimming essays. If you didn't tell me, I would think English is your native language.=)

anyway, here's my comment about your essay. I really like your last idea about the closing sentence, I think it is stronger.I like your essay, it's really good.

sorry I didn't make any revision, because I think it's already great.
Good Luck.
OP sdawn 2 / 15  
Oct 30, 2010   #8
You're welcome Jane! I'm glad I could be of help. :]

I added the "Aikido is my avenue [...]" sentence before my final sentence.

Thanks a lot to everyone who posted here!


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