Undergraduate / "All jocks are stupid" - Amherst Essay, stereotyped beliefs, psychology [3]

Dan, the prompt says they want a personal response instead of just an argumentative essay. Have you been personal enough? I felt not. I know a lot about Jack now, but I haven't got to know a lot about you after reading that.

And you have asked a lot of questions but haven't answered them yourself. I don't think admissions officers will appreciate such rhetoric!

And you should certainly divide the essay into several different paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Debating - extracurricular activity, commonapp, 150 words [5]

That's great advice, StillLifeWitHam! I've been thinking along the same lines myself after going through other such essays on this forum. I'm going to take your advice and re-write the whole thing! Thanks!

Undergraduate / The reason I hate my elementary teacher? - Virginia Tech question [7]

You're right about the grammatical errors. I tried to ignore those as I read your essay.

I found it enjoyable to read overall, and I understood what you're trying to say [this teacher took the place of a mother you didn't have, and you resented that fact], but I think you should be more straightforward so as not to create any confusion. I've read in many places that admissions officers prefer clarity so that they can go through an essay quickly and absorb its meaning at first reading.

I think 'hate' is a strong word to use, and you've used it many times. Maybe it's replaceable with something else? And I find myself confused as to exactly why you hate the fact that this teacher was a mother-figure (I think I just coined this term...). Is it because she was someone whose presence in your life was temporary, and you knew it right from the start? Is it because you badly wanted her to be your real mother but you knew that was never going to happen? These things are implied but not stated outright. I think making certain bland statements is sometimes necessary to ensure that there's no confusion!

Undergraduate / ("Princeton in the Nation's Service") How to Improve Princeton Supplement Essay? [30]

wow. just wow. you wrote this yourself? you're princeton material, surely.

Undergraduate / The reason I hate my elementary teacher? - Virginia Tech question [7]

Regarding the use of the word 'hate' what about this sentence:
'I hated it when I accidentally called my teacher "Mom" and the first graders would laugh at my foolishness.' Here the word is used in its literal sense, surely? No one likes being laughed at.

While here 'I hate the reason why I was still alive, the reason I did not use drugs, the reason that I am sitting here and thinking about my future' it's figurative because you certainly don't hate the teacher.

Perhaps using the word in the same way throughout will help avoid confusion. But is it really necessary to use it so many times?

But I love your style. If you clear up some of the confusion with a few edits and brush up the grammar, this is going to be good.

[note: I had previously thought that while you loved the teacher you really did resent the fact that this teacher was so much like a mother to you, but your comment has made me re analyze, so I guess my previous comment is now redundant]

Edit: I think this essay is quite good and you don't need to write something else. But I feel that just changing the last sentence isn't going to be adequate. A few more changes are needed.

Undergraduate / "My curiosity and ideas" - Columbia University NY. What attracts you to engineering? [7]

"Engineering is all about turning ideas into reality to effectively make the lives of people better. It is about finding ways to help people by making ideas tangible. I believe that the ideas I have can only be made into reality by using the knowledge gained from studying engineering."

perhaps these words could come earlier?

And do you really need to start out with :"My dad is taking me back home from a Science Club meeting when all of a sudden traffic comes to a standstill. I am deeply immersed in a copy of Popular Science - College Issue and so I do not look up."? It sounds ever so slightly pretentious.

Undergraduate / "Motivated, ambitious and young, I am." - story of my life, UW admissions essay [4]

The first and second sentences sound awkward. Maybe the start could be "I was always the girl who sat alone at the back of the class, disregarded by the rest." if you're being general.

OR it could be "I was sitting alone at the back of the class, being disregarded by the rest, as always." if you're being specific. (currently I'm not sure if you're being general or talking about one particular occasion.)

And the second sentence could be "It was difficult for me to assimilate with my peers, as I wasn't considered their equal."

The rest of it seems a bit disorganized as well.

And in the last sentence are you paying tribute to Yoda from Star Wars? ;)

Undergraduate / "Tradition of excellence: biology, physics, and chemistry" -Columbia University Essay [4]

it sounds very mechanical and (as the above comment points out) very general. you should follow HarvestBristle's advice and connect with the reader at a more personal level.

Undergraduate / "Both Mexican and American" and " Lending a Helping Hand" My UC Prompts [2]

I have edited some words and phrases in your first essay.
"Being the son of Mexican immigrants, I consider myself fortunate to be from a family with a strong Latino cultural heritage , a fact that has allowed me to perceive the world around me much differently than the average person living in the United States. Because of my family's cultural values, we maintain close connection with our relatives who live in Mexico.My family and I go to visit our relatives at least once every month and each visit is unique and special to me . However these regular trips to Mexico have also allowed me to realize how truly blessed I am here in the United States. Whenever I am in Mexico, I see that the homes of many people in the city are made of cardboard, simple sheets of metal, and even old tires; and I wonder how they are able to live in such poor conditions while I am blessed with a two-story home four-times the size of theirs. It is then that I appreciate the opportunities that are available to me here in the United States and understand why my parents chose to leave their families behind and come over to the United States; they came to this great country to allow my brother, my sister and me the chance for a better life through a good education. It is because of this sacrifice that my parents made that I see it as my responsibility to fulfill their unspoken wish and go to a university, and ultimately make them proud by graduating. To someday walk up to a podium and accept my diploma would fulfill not only my personal dream but also that of my parents, and when I will see the expressions on their faces, I will know that I have achieved what they have always wished for me. I can't say that I wouldn't have hadthis same dream if I wasn't Mexican-American, but I certainly do believe that my ethnic identity has had a strong influence on me, and has given me greater desire to turn my dream to reality.

Undergraduate / "Motivated, ambitious and young, I am." - story of my life, UW admissions essay [4]

a pretty basic advice would be: separate the essay into several paragraphs, with one idea expressed in each paragraph. (unless UW has some sort of rule that you have to write it all in one para.)

for me, personally, i feel that from sentence 4 the rest of the essay is quite coherent.
Though I would edit it this way:
When I was six, my mother- who had noticed that I was unusually keen on acquiring knowledge- decided to enroll me into grade one. Reading had always come easily to me, as did numbers.

The first 3 sentences seem a bit out of place when I consider the whole essay; maybe you could put them later on instead of right at the beginning (or leave them out altogether if that's possible...). If you do that then the rest of it is pretty good I feel.

Undergraduate / Facade of Smiles: (where I come from - UC prompt 1) [3]

First of all, I didn't really get the first sentence. It's...very vague.

But this following excerpt is also quite puzzling:
As I grew older expectations grew higher but the rose colored glass, which protected me from the reality of my life, began, to shatter.
As the glass broke the foundations of my mind followed. Everything began to shatter as issues rose to the point where I truly did not know where I belonged. I lived in a broken home my whole life and a few years back began living with my mother.

Reading this brought a few questions to my mind:

'Everything began to shatter issues rose to the point where I truly did not know where I belonged.' Why? Elaborate, please!

And then you say you started living with your mother. Who did you live with before?

You say your world is surrounded by your family...shouldn't you be talking about your family a little more (other than your mother)? And if the only family you have is your mom, then why didn't you mention it at the start?

Answering these questions may help to give us a clearer picture of you.

Undergraduate / "The Gift of Perception" Rice University Entrance Essay [8]

I loved the essay, especially the last three paras which are really strong. I thought the starting could've been better, though. I didn't really understand the connection between the first three paras and the rest of the essay. Maybe you're building up to your father explaining you the meaning of 'perception'...but is it necessary? Or, couldn't it have been said differently?

Undergraduate / Foundations of Journalism / Middle ages - NYU academic areas of study [8]

I'm applying to NYU because of its tradition of Service - and Office of Civic Engagement to facilitate the volunteer efforts of its students. More specifically, the College of Arts and Sciences will give me the opportunity to find my passion. Whether I take a Foundations of Journalism class or a class outlining the Passion and Desire in the Middle Ages, NYU will help me decide who I want to become.

You can just put this part and skip the parts before it...it's really good! They want a short, succinct answer, and this fits that description.

Undergraduate / Foundations of Journalism / Middle ages - NYU academic areas of study [8]

you could insert a line mentioning your desire to make a meaningful contribution to society. keep it within 98 characters! ;)