Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by vinniejp
Joined: Dec 24, 2010
Last Post: Dec 28, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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vinniejp   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "all type-A workaholics" - Family Personal Statement [2]

Hello and thank you for reading this personal essay of mine. If you guys would like to be as critical as possible on any aspect of the writing please do so.

Family
With a drooling demeanor, chubby cheeks, and frog-like limbs, I was brought into the world in the most inconvenient time for my family. Financially unstable, my parents were drowning in debt from different failed ventures and lived in a basement where water leaked and mice mingled. The basement was a cheaply converted house used to squeeze out every additional cent by its greedy owners. But even during those harsh financial times, my parents, who were old enough to be my grandparents, and my sisters, who were preparing for college, gave me cascades of love and attention.

My family, all type-A workaholics, had eccentric occupations and went out of their way to create a nourishing atmosphere for me. to grow up in. First, my dad, who ran a self-employed television and shoe repair shop, consistently interacted with me and gave me innumerable amounts of rides to school in his rusty old delivery van. In some aspects, if it were not for my dad's dedication towards me, I could have been perceived as an additional burden on his already heavy workload. Second, my mother, who was perpetually tired after long days working at an industrial laundromat, provided the warmth and comfort in the drafty basement we called home. She not only took the time to care for me, but she sometimes ate only rice for meals to ensure that there was enough nutritional food on the table so I could eat right and grow up healthy. Lastly, my sisters always took time out of their studies and money out of their own wallets to take me to see movies, eat ice cream, and buy childhood toys. My sisters struggled to provide the fun I constantly desired and the upbringing that they had never experienced. They hoped that their attempts would give me a sense of normality that other kids grew up with.

Thinking back upon these struggling yet joyous memories, I always wondered why my family cared and sacrificed so much for me. Given my family's situation, the effort could have been more wisely used on making money to live day-to-day or at least save for the future, but instead it was used on an unplanned child. So, why should so much energy be concentrated on a child that was unable to aid his family in any given way? I asked my father this and he replied metaphorically, in his broken English, "that we are all gears in the machinery called family."

From that moment on, I elaborated on my father's response and came to my own interpretation that a family unit consists of two qualities: self-sacrifice and diligence. Through this, I Try not to switch tenses too often view my family as an organic structure where each family member supports another to help cope with each others stressful lives. Akin to how the body cannot function efficiently without all the organs and tissues working harmoniously or how each covalent bond provides the necessary support for macromolecular formation, everybody in my family all had a great importance to the whole; we were able to function as a single entity.

Likewise, the two qualities I have seen in my family are also displayed within schools, jobs, and communities. By stressing these values I strive for myself to create these structures, similar to my family, and try to give back to everyone through sacrifice and giving. As a result, this explains why I fervently aspire to help people in need, share my talents with others, and create a large lattice structure around me in which I can also hopefully call family. I feel called to do this because whether the people within my community are homeless, ill, or culturally different, knitting these networks of communion will help numerous people in adversity. The family macrocosm becomes a safe haven in which struggling is not a painful individual experience, but a genuine feeling of altruism shared with relations.
vinniejp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I love music and I look foreward to meeting you" - Stanford future roommate essay [5]

I do not recall if this portion affects the admission process but no harm can be done with reviewing.

"Although, I tend to gravitate more towards classic rock, I have a wide variety of tastes in music." Don't need the comma there.

"...rock, I have a wide variety of tastes in music; I even like country! Some..."
This can be my preference of writing (or complete butchering) but its up to you.

although a bit rambled (is there a size limit?), it's a good informal short. Gives the reader a broad spectrum of who you are - a fun quirky jokester.
vinniejp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Common App "Dear Identity..." [7]

"And at the end, when you look at the big picture, you'll see that you've been progressing at an upwards slope towards a higher destination, whatever it may be."

I thought cosine lines vacillate between a max and min on a period... and go across a plane in a linear direction. I don't understand.

"But, remember? We agreed that we wouldn't be another person who desires but does not act." Personal, very personal; to the point where I don't know when you agreed personal.

"Just as you start feeling the breeze on your face and noticing the magnificent scenery during a hard run, even if your chest is piercing and your legs numb, you started understanding this paradoxical concept of suffering and beauty coming together. "

It seems like you have great ideas and some really nice sentences, but some of the sentences are too long. Make it succinct; to the point; easy and done with.
vinniejp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Alaska Spine Institute" - My experiences that have Influenced me; ASI [5]

After deciding some quick changes, my essay turned into something totally different from my original :(.
Describe an experience that has inspired or influenced you.

Alaska Spine Institute

At the Alaska Spine Institute (ASI), a pain management facility I was in mentor-ship with, I spent eight hours a day shadowing occupational therapists, nurse practioners, interventional radiologists, and neurosurgeons. Direct interaction with health care providers, as they underwent invasive procedures, was a very unique opportunity for me as a high school student. I was able to observe the complexity and integration of science and art involved in procedures such as vertebroplasty, epidural injections, and spinal fusions. I simply enjoyed my time there.

During the mentor-ship, I met a radiologist named Jerry; the most significant quality about Jerry was his love towards his occupation. At first he listed factual information about his job enthusiastically, which seemed to be considerably interesting for him, and then as we spent more time together I observed his true enjoyment despite the extensive hours and plenty of studying involved. He was a thoughtful guy even though he represented the atypical dark Frankenstein crazed in his work. I was inspired from his love and devotion towards his career and found myself careening in the selection towards becoming a radiologist.

However, I can say this for everybody I shadowed at API. They all had distinct mantras about their careers; ranging from enjoyment in putting people under the knife to the less crazy desire in helping people. Whether their motives were for personal gain or selfless concerns, they worked hard at their careers and simply ignored the downsides of it. In fact, it even looked like they enjoyed that slow part of their work, the ten hours of diligence, and the endless drinks of coffee - which they called the elixir of life.

This endless drive in their careers was ultimately due to one factor. They were in their practice of their passions. I discovered this when I became more familiarized with the staff through interviews; the most significant response I received was from Jerry. In a question asking about if he had advice towards future health care occupants, he replied that, quote, "Most people are happy about their jobs and it's an alarming illness if they aren't; we [health care providers] need to ensure that we are not sick ourselves before considering helping another."

What I had heard from him that day influenced me in nearly all the things I do now. Instead of blindly pursuing, I confirm what I am fanatical about in my search of a future career or interest. I will not be inclined to work hard simply because I am required, but because I genuinely enjoy the work, the diligence, the passion that I hopefully acquire.

Thanks for reading this
vinniejp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Coming from a big Jamaican family" - Diversity Colgate Supplement [4]

I like it, just make some minor fixes

"During the Night Night, my family,including the neighborhood..."
don't use the word "got/get." fix the sentence up so you don't use any colloquialism.

Your original last sentence can be fixed. Such as "Although I feel a bit sad, I have fun..." You can elaborate~

Reading this, I find it to be an interesting tradition; I would like to see that in my neck of the woods sometime.
vinniejp   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Learning to Read: Brown Intellectual Experience Essay [3]

-"I could breeze through a 500-page novel in a few days, and yes, I had a bookshelf as respectable as any other 17-year-old bibliophile."

-you can briefly explain the light and the turtle. reveal that disparity among the object to a totally different symbolic meaning and it just makes your essay look outstanding.

-Is Sir Flannery a novelist or a novelist character in the story by Calvino? Please do tell since this was the only confusion I had.

-the novel quote is good, you explain it with rhetoric!
-good with the connections between written/unwritten to reading/not reading.
-Your conclusion is good; you tie it in.

Aside from minor things, I found your essay fun to read; it has an expressive style that your Ap teacher might have influenced quite a lot. haha
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