Undergraduate / "the future of physics" - academic interests and/or professional goals - UIUC [5]

Hey everybody!
Could you please review my essay for UIUC.

TOPIC: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

In 1953, as Erwin Schrödinger drew closer to advancing the then new world of quantum mechanics, he coined the term "Verschränkung"- which translates literally to "entanglement". Over the years, as my passion for physics expanded much like the new-born universe, I related this term to how my interests in life and physics became wrapped together as a single entity.

It all started in the fifth grade when one day I found myself with an encyclopedia, rather than my usual Hardy Boys. As I flipped through its pages, I discovered the immense world of physics. Soon the novels of magic and mysteries were replaced by those of great scientific endeavors and breakthroughs. I often found myself questioning everything around me - from the light bulbs in my room, to the tiny ones in the night sky. When I found answers, several more questions began to spawn in my mind. Question by question, answer by answer- that's how I wove my life and physics together.

Like most other boys of my age, I was attracted to fast cars and loud music. But added to that was my love for all things quantum and astronomical. As years went by, my knowledge accumulated through documentaries, articles, books, and the 35 minute physics classes I had every day.

I realized the worth of that accumulation halfway through my junior year when I found myself free of one burden which bore down on my friends- deciding what to major in. As I searched for colleges, I realized that after high school, I could study exactly what I like, surrounded by people who shared my interest in physics.

With this past as the cornerstone of my future, I not only intend to continue weaving this passion, but also starting to weave the future of physics, from where enthusiasts before me left off.

Thanks!!

Undergraduate / "The Tesla Coil" -Essay on one of my extracurricular activities for UIUC [5]

In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

The horses and their riders take their positions behind numbered gates. They see two thousand eyes fixed on their respective gambles. Up ahead, lie several hurdles. Beyond that, glory. For now, it seems like winning is the only thing that matters. You feel ...

After review:

I have changed the structure of the essay and written another intro. At 357 words, it is much closer to the word limit. I have reduced the size of the story too. What do you think?

A faint glow amongst the clouds- a harbinger of what is about to be wrought by Thor in the following milliseconds. Blink and you'll miss it. A blue finger descends from the heavens and taps the ground, reminding us of its power. Blinked? A few more seconds and it will roar at your ignorance. That is the sheer power of electricity.

When I was young, I loved electricity because it allowed me to play games on my computer and watch movies. At seventeen, I love electricity for every bit of science behind it. So, one day when my physics teacher informed my class about a science fair that was going to be held later that month, my two team mates and I decided to build a Tesla Coil- a device that generates very high voltages and sparks that are several inches long.

Knowing that building this device could offer me an opportunity to learn a lot more than my physics textbook could offer, we embarked on the project.

We scourged industrial areas for the required materials and made parts that we could not find on our own such as the capacitors, which we made using aluminum foil, glass jars and salt water. We spent about a week building the device and when we finally tested it, we were disappointed to know that it didn't function properly.

Although we managed to improve the device, it still wasn't as efficient as we wanted it to be. On the day of the fair, we impressed several visitors and some of the judges. And contrary to how a story of hard work and diligence would end, we lost.

As I thought more about the entire journey- The modest beginning, the science and, unavoidably, the loss- the more rewarding I found it. My hard work didn't pay off through the ephemeral beauty of a trophy, but through the everlasting knowledge I had gained. Furthermore, my contentment while working on the project reinforced my decision to study Electrical and Electronics Engineering.

I wish to work on similar projects in college and continue to expand my understanding of the strange buzz we call electricity.

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It's a bit over the limit with 418 words. If you feel the horse thing is unnecessary, I have written another essay with a different "outer structure". If you feel that might be better, tell me. I will post it.

Thanks! :D