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Posts by meegggan
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: Jan 1, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 10
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meegggan   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "abducted during the night from his home in northern Uganda" -ComApp Issue of Concern [4]

I will be submitting this essay to American University, New York University, and Stanford University on Commonapp.com so I want to make sure it's well-written!

Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

Jacob Acaye was eleven years old when he was abducted during the night from his home in northern Uganda to serve as a child soldier. Jacob is just one of the thousands of enslaved children that make up 90% of the rebel group, led by Joseph Kony, called the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA). Since the 1980's, these people have been waging war against the Ugandan government in an effort to gain revenge for the Acholi people who feel as though they have suffered discrimination since the British colonized Africa in the 1800's, and believe that God has instructed them to gain revenge by overthrowing the Ugandan government. Unfortunately, in their attempts to acquire justice for themselves, they have caught upwards of 100,000 innocent Africans in the mess.

The LRA works brutally and stealthily, wreaking havoc on African communities in Uganda, Sudan, Central African Republic, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and displacing many terrorized citizens who have nowhere to go but crowded and dirty refugee camps. At night, they strike again, forcing many children to "night commute", or travel away from their homes to safe places after dark in an effort to be absent when the LRA arrives to collect them. Those who stay behind, like Jacob, are frequently snatched by the LRA. Those who try to stop the LRA, like Jacob's brother, are killed. Prisoners of the LRA, no matter what race, age, or gender, are subject to rape, being bound up, beatings, mutilations such as having body parts cut off, and death. The children enlisted as soldiers are forced to beat, mutilate, and kill other victims, sometimes even their family members, or face their own horrible deaths. If anyone tries to escape the LRA, they are murdered.

A charity named Invisible Children is working to stop the misdoings toward these helpless adolescents who are dubbed "invisible" due to the fact that they are a dilemma often overlooked by outsiders and even the LRA, their own army, who claims that they don't exist. I have supported Invisible Children on different accounts through donating money and raising awareness in my community. Last year, I participated in an event called the Rescue by "abducting" myself and spending the night in a park away from home with other volunteers until a state congresswoman arrived to pledge her support of a quick and peaceful end to this war. In the future, I plan to work as an intern "roadie", traveling around the country and hosting screenings to involve our youth with the program.

This cause is so important to me because these youth in Africa are part of our world's future leaders and especially in a fragile and developing continent like theirs, they cannot afford to waste so much time trying to stay alive and out of the hands of the rebels, when they should be receiving a beneficial education to help them grow into future problem solvers. I believe that with all the resources and opportunities I have been given and our minors are offered here in America, it is our duty as the prosperous to give back and share our power with the misfortunate around the world.

It seems short because I originally wrote it for another application that allowed a maximum of 500 words... should I make it longer? Anything I need to change? Please critique with honesty! Thankyou!
meegggan   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / (pre- med and study abroad + An Explorer) - Boston [12]

In the first short essay the next to the last line between "introduced" and "to" you forgot "myself" ;)

Maybe in the second one you talk some more about how your accomplishments at BU will help you throughout the rest of your life...
meegggan   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "the cross-country team" - extracurricular activities [2]

There shouldn't be a comma after running in the first line
You spelled "coach" as "couch" in the 3rd line
There should be a comma after then at the end of the fourth line
Maybe in the last sentence you could change "but also not to give up" to "but also the value of perseverance" or something like that because "not to give up" sounds a bit awkward...

But otherwise I think you did pretty well!
meegggan   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Swim school+Modernizint Times+Independent+March 1963: Shortening, Improving Stanford [5]

Prompt#1: How did you spend your last two summers?

In the mornings and evenings I worked at Different Strokes Swim School, instructing children in swim lessons, and attended cross country practices. I also participated in International Youth Exchange where I hosted two sisters from Madrid and then spent time at their house exploring the culture and improving my Spanish.

Character Count 321 characters; 300 allowed

Prompt#2: What is the most significant challenge that society faces today?

In today's modernizing times, where success is utterly dependent upon materialistic values, much of society has become apathetic towards issues, such as volunteering, that do not involve a tangible reward. We need to help the less fortunate achieve their success and not focus so much on ourselves.

Character count 298; 300 allowed

Prompt#3: What five words best describe you?

I am independent because I like to make my own decisions and not rely on others to make them for me. I am passionate because I make a strong effort to be involved with the things I care about. I am bold because I do not hold myself back from doing what is right. I am driven because I do not give up. I am steadfast because I will not waver.

Character count 342; 300 allowed

Prompt#4: What historical moment or event do you wish you could have witnessed?

I wish I could have experienced the March on Washington that took place in 1963. That moment was such a turning point for African Americans and all minorities in their quest for equality and I would have been proud to be around such influential people and share in their struggles and victories.

Character count 296; 300 allowed

How can I improve these?
Did I answer the questions thoroughly?
How can I shorten the ones that are too long?
meegggan   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / The World Is Grey - Stanford Roommate Letter [4]

For starters, I see no grammatical errors so nice job there!
I like your idea about the shades of grey, although Hannover96 had a nice suggestion about using the rainbow.
You had really nice sentences at the end of the first paragraph that I think you should keep because they provided stellar imagery and I could really see you doing those things.

I liked the vocabulary you used, as long as you really talk like that in real life because otherwise it wouldn't be as true and personal, you know?

Otherwise, I think your essay was very well-written and told a lot about you, good job! :)
meegggan   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "a little eccentric and wild" - Stanford Roommate Essay [5]

Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hola roomie!

Let me start off by saying Congratulations! I hope we make the best of these years living together!
I was born and raised in Texas but don't worry, I'm nowhere near being a cowgirl! Being the first child in my family to go to college though, I will be leaving them and all my friends back home. Therefore, I might be Skyping or talking to them a lot!

To be honest, I am what some people may call a "health freak". I have been a vegetarian for almost 2 years now and plan to go vegan sometime within the next. You don't have to eat any of my food but I would be happy to cook some for you if you want.

I hate being stuck indoors, so whenever the weather is nice I would love to go exploring! I like to run, play soccer, skateboard, etc., I'm also very willing to try new things. Furthermore, I'd like to get to know San Jose and San Francisco better, maybe we can do that together!

I hope you like music because I can't go a day without listening to it. I collect CD's and I will be bringing them with me so we'll always have something to play. I also enjoy going to concerts, you are welcome to come with me!

I adore foreign languages and cultures, and you'll probably end up knowing quite a bit of Spanish at the end of the year due to my knack for speaking it to everyone! If you have anything to share as well I would love to experience it!

In terms of cleanliness, I am fairly organized in all aspects not including my closet. Our room may appear cluttered, but it's really just a thin layer of clothes. I shall try my hardest to keep them out of the way for you though.

Although I may get a little eccentric and wild at times, I've always been a fairly agreeable person so with any luck I hope we turn out to be good friends!

See you soon!
Megan

Anything I should change?
Is it too jumpy?
Most importantly, do you feel like you know me through it?

Thanks for the help!
meegggan   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bouncing up and down on my tiptoes'; "Strength from weakness", Common App [3]

Miffed, I scurried back to the kitchen, determined to consume this carbohydrate-packed, devoid of nutritional value, fried delicacy.
I think the part where you say "devoid of nutritional value" sounds a bit awkward, maybe you can replace it with something else...

I think this was a well-written essay and I like the approach you took with the past story and then a more recent one and most importantly, what you learned.

The last sentence where you said "most importantly, exchange ideas" kind of threw me off because I didn't really feel like that was what you were really trying to accomplish during the whole essay so maybe you want to put something more related as "most important"?

Otherwise, nice job, and good luck!
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