Writing Feedback / I had power, but I seek happiness (examination) [3]

hi all. this year i will be taking my 'O' level examination (a national exam to see which school i will go to after secondary (middle) school) "power" is a one word topic from a past paper. here is my essay!

My fingers pressed the soft keys one after another as a trail of words appeared on the white screen. Like ants, they crawled across the screen, one line after another, as I worked my way on the keyboard. I sat in my black swivel chair, content about where I was. Though everyday was hard work, at least I have attained it. Finally, I have attained it. For all these years, I craved for it; I desired it and I needed it. It was needed for survival that is what that household taught me. I had the authority and strength. I had the power.

I laid on the cold hard floor as my whole body ached. Pain was everything I felt. Pain was everywhere and there was nothing but pain. I squint across the dark room, trying to find something to shield me from the winter's wind. However, I was too tired to move. At least the wound burns, I thought. I closed my eyes slowly and drifted to sleep.

I was adopted into the Beskerville family at five. My parents died and the master of the Beskerville household was my father's friend. He adopted me and became my father. Father paid me some attention. He bought me new clothes, new books and gave me education. Though it was little, it was enough to earn the jealousy of my "siblings". They started to pick on me and when I grew older, their mothers' began to hit me. They always brought me to the musty old underground storeroom and beat me there. They paid attention to not hit my face and limbs, as they wanted to look good in front of father.

Everyone was going after father's wealth and money. After living in the Beskerville family for eleven years, I learnt that power was needed to survive in this harsh and cruel world. I wanted power and was going to attain it on my own. I began to work my way into society, learning how it worked. Through the Internet, I met influential people and gained their support. Slowly, I started buying shares and through some manipulation, Father's company began to collapse.

As the company deteriorated, people lost interest in it. Father grew old and forlorn. On his deathbed, he held my hands and entrusted his company to me. What did he mean entrust, I thought. I earned it. Though the company was deteriorating, the cause was small. After fixing the problem, it began to rise again and at an incredible fast speed. Chains opened up all over in the country and the world. It began to prosper and became one of the biggest companies. I sat at the top of that established company. I achieved what I wanted. Finally, I have attained power.

A knock came from the outside and a secretary walked in. she started to recite my schedule for the day. Staring at her legs, I was contented at where I was. I had power. No one could reach me or even touch a single hair of mine. I had power, but now I seek something totally different. That was happiness.

how will you rate it?? and is my story line too weak?? anything i should improve?? thank you!

Writing Feedback / "the young boy with a lady" - Dreams (narrative) [6]

this is one of the questions in the past years o-level paper - Dreams.

Images flashes in front of me, each glowing with an eerie white light. A blue balloon, a young boy with a lady, a river and a red sports car. The images were blurry and always kept changing. For an unknown reason, I felt terrified as I watched. It always was in the same sequence, the same people and the same images. It was always the same dream. It was then I felt myself falling forward that I jerk awake from my slumber, breaking away from the endless repeating torture.

I sat upright on my bed, panting with sweat dripping sown my forehead. I try to clam myself down, but my heart refused to stop thumping furiously. Feelings of anguish, sadness and frustration crept into my heart as I held myself and cried. For how long? I thought, how long must this continue? With no one I could seek comfort in, I embraced my pillow and huddled in a corner, crying myself back to sleep.

The dreams started a few weeks ago and kept repeating and never changing. If it did, it only became clearer. I never had a peaceful night since then and bags formed under my eyes. Overtime. I felt afraid to sleep but nonetheless gulped down sleeping pills and slept. My body needed the sleep. That was the excuse. Falling back into unconsciousness, the same dream appeared again.

It was a hot afternoon, when I walk down a busy street, hunting for a birthday present for my friend, that I met him. He had a booth along the street with a banner that shouted "get your fortune told now!" It did not particularly attract my attention, however, the man called out to me. "Hey missy, you having the same dream over and over again?" the deep voice said.

I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at the man. A grin spread across his face. He told me that some people could see dreams that foretold the future and my dreams could be one of them. It could be a happy event or a sad event, or one that can change my life forever. The man advised me to stop rejecting the dreams. It could be warning me about an event that will take place in the near future. At night I slept, and the dream appeared again.

The next morning I set out to buy groceries for my Aunt. I walked through the park, beside the glittering river and a pair of mother and son walked past me giggling. I did not pay any special attention to them. Just them, a red sports car came speeding towards me. I did not have any time to react. I heard a scream and saw a blue balloon flew into that similar cloudless blue sky.

I felt nothing but pain as I laid on the ground, unable to move. It was then it dawned on me. The blue balloon, the young boy with a lady, a river and a red sports car.

"Those dreams could be warning you..." the deep voice resounded.

I fell into the dark abyss, never resurfacing again.