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Posts by bio1995
Joined: May 27, 2011
Last Post: Dec 17, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  

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bio1995   
Sep 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Bharatanatyam U. of Michigan - communities to which you belong and your place in them [4]

This is just an idea but in order to more specifically show how Bharatnatyam has impacted you, I would expand with a more specific example how Bharatnatyam has increased your grace or how Bharatnatyam has widened you as a student. What is it in Bharatnatyam that you find so exquisite? I have a friend who just finished all of her Bharatnatyam lessons. I asked her why she spent so many years learning classical Indian dance. And the answer I received truly showed me her passion for Bharatnatyam. For her Bharatnatyam is an avenue through which she is able to escape the hectics of high school life. It has taught her to be steady-minded and determined, yet ironically, has also widened her perception (from the grace and freedom which Bharatnatyam offers). Hope this helps! I would include it in the last paragraph and emphasize how your determination and broad perception, developed from Bharatnatyam, will impact your ability to strive, hopefully improve, at the University of Michigan. Good luck! (We all need it!) :)
bio1995   
Sep 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "an engineering idea you have" - Cornell Engineering [3]

I get a sense of why you are interested in engineering (problem-solving skills) however, you do not link it back to how Cornell will specifically help you further this idea or interest. Remember for a college-specific supplement, you should include specific aspects of Cornell Life/Engineering which you will imbibe and utilize to effectively solve those problems you list towards the end. Also, the moddle part of this paragraph is slightly choppy. "I think that is enough to pursue a career in engineering. My interest lies in Biomedical engineering." It is almost as if you are telling the admissions officer that you have no further reason to be an engineer (remove the word "enough"). Maybe: "That is why I want to pursue a career in Biomedical Engineering." Overall it is great. Just some minor improvements and Cornell-specific comments should do the job. Good luck!
bio1995   
Dec 10, 2011
Undergraduate / "What is Life?" - Supplement Essay [4]

This is for Harvard and Princeton. I know it is risky and extremely poetic. But then again, I had to do something different in order to catch an eye or two. My common app essay is an experience, so I am pretty sure it would be fine to include something abstract as supplementary. Looking forward to your comments!

An aura of obscurity tickles me as meandering rays of sunshine fade into crags of limestone. Birds stop singing melodious madrigals, oak leaves rustle in chilling autumn zephyrs, and impenetrable clouds now blanket the starlit sky. A deepening darkness engulfs the entire pond, capturing my thoughts and my emotions, leaving only a thin, wavering silhouette of my stringent face in the muddled waters. Is life a mystery waiting to be resolved?

A twig cracks beneath my foot and, instinctively, I look down. I see a rock glimmering in the fading sunlight, exposing brilliancy in simplicity amidst darkness and fragility. I quickly pick it up, examining each nook and each facet, brushing away dust with my gloved finger. Sides smooth as glass and rough as granite emerge. Edges sharp as needles and blunt as cardboard divulge. This is no rock. It is a precious gem, once lost in a sea of dust, now unearthed. Is life a crystal waiting to be discovered?

I perceive in the crystal a reflection of myself, the face of a determined young man bewildered by nature. But it is not my face reflected. I am the crystal, taking the color of whatever is near me, whatever I touch. The color is so strong that I forget who I am and identify myself with the color. I lose myself, and fear and worries and anxieties and troubles and mistakes emerging from that blunder, the hurricane of life, my mistaken emulation of those around me, engulf me. Is life a reflection waiting to be shattered?

Life blankets me with an anomalous assurance, like a newly hatched bird expecting warmth and attention from his surroundings. Sometimes giggles, other times cries, and still other times agitation, desperately longing to understand and to experience. When it comes to understanding the world, I too am an infant. At times, I find joy and sadness and surprise, but never can I pinpoint the mystical influences governing my life. It is amidst my efforts to discover impossibilities that I choose to escape the inscrutable as untouchable enigmas, questions to be bewildered by. In my efforts to understand, I stifle understanding. Is life an endless journey waiting to be completed?

Our individuality is thus silenced by our passiveness towards life --- that like an aging leaf destined to be trampled upon, we live as cowards, predictably and unquestioning, trampled upon by society's thoughts and beliefs, moved by even the slightest change of wind. Whether it is nobler to etch in blank forests an impermeable reverie or to drown inner courage in a sea of winds and, through passivity, embrace hesitantly peace --- that remains a complex problem many have yet to solve. Is life a baffling paradox waiting to be uncovered?

My eyes open with a jolt. I am still gazing into the sky, but everything has grown silent. Rivers in my mind still rage with philosophy, but darkness remains no longer; it is daylight. Unconsciously I put my hand in my pocket and take out a moist crystal. In it, I see a reflection of myself, determined and enlightened. Is life a dream waiting to be realized?

So many questions yet not one definite answer. What then is life?
Life is a process, a story with a definite beginning and a definite end and numerous blank sheets in between. It can be a mystery, a crystal, a reflection, a journey, a paradox, and a dream depending on what colors and what experiences are splattered upon those blank sheets. For me, to have the ability to write my story and forever etch my thoughts upon the world is enough satisfaction. Life's greatest treasure is life itself, a treasure not to be questioned, but to be fulfilled.
bio1995   
Dec 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'pretty campus pictures' - Duke supplement-why duke [5]

I also agree that you should not include the first paragraph. As you describe pictures of Duke, maybe you could also specify buildings that caught your attention and how you wish to utilize the resources hidden within those building. Overall very well written and as kellbell pointed out, by including some of the personal attributes you wish to develop at Duke, you add a certain edge to your essay. I especially like your ending. However, I personally think it would be stronger if you did not include the last two sentences.
bio1995   
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bulgarian or German' - CommonApp diversity [7]

You are off to a great start however, colleges want to know more about YOU. Your essay focuses on the importance of diversity in general. You TELL us that diversity "brings about open-mindedness, enriches the educational experiences, teaches one how to communicate effectively, etc." But to get your point across, it is not necessary to explicitly say so. Why don't you try to convey a specific experience you had at school or in your community that truly taught you to value diversity. Have you ever before viewed diversity negatively and then a specific event caused you to change your perspective? Is there anything unique about you that you could narrate through a story, allowing you to truly stand out? For example, if you are an immigrant, you can talk about the immersion of two cultures. Note that such a topic is cliched but your writing style and your unique experience makes the topic unique and different. Good luck!
bio1995   
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bulgarian or German' - CommonApp diversity [7]

Yes, that would be the best way to show diversity. Re-writing and then answering one of the two questions you posed above, using a specific experience, would be the best way to show colleges the unique person you are. Good luck! I will be waiting for your new essay! :)
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