Undergraduate / "Winter Guard" Extracurricular Activities and a Risk I've Taken Common App [4]

I'm applying to several universities through the Common App, and I'm really nervous about the essay portion.
I've never been a particularly strong writer and both my parents aren't native english speakers, so I'd really appreciate it if I got some feedback on my essays.

Any amount of feedback is fine, I just want to know if I'm on the right track!
Thank you so much for your time!

(I'm sorry, they're kind of long!)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I volunteered as a teacher assistant for a youth cartooning class, and although I had no interest in teaching, I did have an interest in art. Growing budget cuts had limited art in schools, so I was overjoyed to see children seeking out more art and gladly shared my passion with them. This was my way of preserving art in my community, and although I couldn't volunteer for very long, I tried to make a difference in my short time there. Art to me is more then just pencil meeting paper. There is a sense of freedom in art, in being able to create whatever I wish, and in having the world at the tip of my pencil. As I acted as the teacher assistant, I felt that I was less a teacher and more a student myself, cooperating with them in the creation of art.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250-500 words)

I had joined my high school's Winter Guard with zero performing skills, nonexistent hand-eye coordination, and no motivation. It was a foolish whim, and I assumed that I would not have to take it seriously. The group was small, barely funded, and unacknowledged by the student body. I did not expect anyone to have any expectations in me, and I had no expectations in anyone.

However, fear and guilt gripped me when the Winter Guard succeeded. There was a sudden increase in members, allowing the Guard to jump several divisions in competition and dramatically improve. The coach and my teammates looked at me with congratulating eyes. I didn't want to be there, yet they gave me such looks anyway, looks that I felt I did not deserve. When I saw the lack of members the following year and the expectation that the coach and team had in me, the same guilt compelled me to join again.

That year, Glencoe High School's Winter Guard was set to participate in Winter Guard International Competition for the first time in the schools history. We would fly to Dayton, Ohio to perform once, possibly twice, before top Winter Guards from all over the world. The reality of the situation charged at me with full force. I'd suddenly regretted joining the Guard. I had no talent or skill, and would only drag them down. I was terrified of the risk, of being put under the massive spotlight, of failing under that spotlight. There were only two things that I could do; leave the team with my head hung in shame, or pull through and learn to dance. I chose the later. Although I had begun the season with no intention to work my fullest, I ended it with aching limbs and more determination then I'd ever had. The stakes had changed once I realized that there were people who were depending on me, and I would make sure to show them that their trust had not been misplaced. It was worth the risk and the hard work to come.

The night before our show day in Ohio, our coach gave us a simple briefing of how the next day would go. She ended her briefing assuring us that no matter how we scored, she was proud of us. That night I slept with a terrifying mixture of guilt for having not taken Winter Guard seriously at the start, anticipation for the show day, and anxiety over how I would do. I knew for sure though that the next day would be the last time I ever preformed with the Winter Guard. It would also be the best time.

Show day finally came, and we took the floor for competition. The audience was mute, our score was only average, and we did not make it to the finals round. I took my risk. I regret nothing.

Undergraduate / "Application influence, dreams, work experience, and mission" Syracuse Supplement [2]

I'm applying to Syracuse University and they have a supplement.
They don't mention any criteria like maximum/minimum length,
so I kind of blindly went at it.
I'd really appreciate some feedback since I really don't know what I'm doing. OTL

It's a bit long, I'm sorry!

1. Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?
While on my college hunt, I had discriminatively closed my eyes to all private institutions for fear of high tuition fees. That aside, the quality of the art department was my only concern. But half way into my hunt I was faced with a list of colleges with art departments that I was only lukewarm about. Then a pamphlet from Syracuse University came in the mail. My father handed it to me and declared that cost shouldn't fog my decision while choosing a college. The pamphlet introduced a variety of art-related majors that were offered by Syracuse, and I was immediately intrigued. It featured computer art, illustration, fashion design, and a variety of other areas, nearly all of which I was interested in. I had found my fit. My father led me to the pamphlet, and the pamphlet led me to Syracuse University.

2. Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?
The only person in the world that I dream to become is myself. I dream to become self confident and a leader rather then a follower. I dream to be a successful human being as well as a contributing member of society. I dream to be satisfied with my life and live it to its fullest. I dream to truly find myself and what it means to be me. That person is the person that I dream to become. I believe that by attending Syracuse University, by experiencing the life that it will give me, by letting me pursue my passion for art, and by teaching me not only factual knowledge, but also a deeper meaning to my life and the world around me, that I will one day be able to say that I no longer dream to become myself, I already am.

3. If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
Although I have no official work experience, for a brief time I did online art commissions. Customers online would request art of their characters, and I would draw them for a commission fee. The process was simple, informal, and unofficial, but I value the experience nonetheless. I expected the most difficult aspect of doing commissions to be creating the artwork, but I later found that simply communicating with the commissioner was challenging on its own. I learned not only how to polish my artwork, but also how to follow close instructions of commissioners, and adhere to their preferences rather then mine. I learned how to respect the statement that "the customer is always right", and found myself being able to comprehend the wants of others better then I had before. The work may have been unofficial, but the experience was very real.

4. Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission

At Syracuse University, classroom walls will not limit me or my options. The knowledge I gain will be useless if I fail to apply it, therefore I intend to use every ounce of that knowledge and apply it to the real world. I plan to continue my unofficial line of work as a freelance illustrator in order to amass even more experience in the massive world of art, and to continue drawing even after class is out. I also hope to explore more artistic opportunities both on and off campus, and perhaps even pursue an official occupation. Though despite my current plans, I will not limit myself to them or close myself off from other opportunities. I plan to keep an open mind and a sharp eye, and engage in whatever chance I may come by.