Posts by girlzshu

girlzshu

Oct 9, 2011

Undergraduate / "Favorite Place To Get Lost" - UVA Supplement [2]

with a sign resting on the door with the Arabic word for "spices" written on it sounds very redundant and awkward. Perhaps you could say that "the sign resting on the door was painted with the Arabic word 'spices' " I think it's enough.

It's well written, but you use the pronoun "it" too much.

Also I think to enrich your essay, you should elaborate a little more about WHY the house is your favorite place to "get lost." I had interpreted "get lost" as fantasizing or a place you go to calm down. However, the way you wrote your essay surprised me.

girlzshu

Oct 10, 2011

Undergraduate / disability center - Common APP extracurricular Paragraph [3]

could i get some feedback? i feel that it's a bit cliche...THANKS!!!

At the disability center, I was assigned to an autistic boy. His eyes brimming with tears, he screamed. I couldn't decipher the words that left his quivering lips but I knew he blamed me for separating him from his mother. His fragile hand in mine, I pulled out glittery stickers which lit his eyes with curiosity. Eventually, I cajoled him to join the class whether it was Arts & Crafts, Dance or Mannerisms. Soon, he looked forward to seeing me as much as he looked forward to seeing his mother afterwards. That year was devoted to Bobo; the following year to Raymond, an adult who continuously talked about politics and current events. Today, I am a Team Leader who keeps 8 students and 5 volunteers under my wing. "Befriend her," I say because although they may be illiterate, unresponsive, or self abusive, they aren't impervious to feelings. After all, they are one of us. Under the shield from society's judgmental eyes, we forget that we are in any way different: in age, race or mentality.

girlzshu

Oct 12, 2011

Undergraduate / disability center - Common APP extracurricular Paragraph [3]

Thank you Lynda!

I will definitely message you when I rewrite it! Thank you so much!

Winnie

girlzshu

Nov 21, 2011

Undergraduate / UC Essay: Architecture, immigration and God. [3]

they're too similar. if you talk about one subject in one essay, the other should be much different because the same admissions officer will read both your essays and will already know things about your aspirations through one essay. They don't want to read the same thing again.

girlzshu

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "fixating on the past" + "sheep brains" - NYU Supplements [8]

for your last essay...does waking up in the morning fall in to the categories in the prompt?

girlzshu

Dec 27, 2011

Undergraduate / My theater experiences - W&M supplement [4]

I LOL'ED at the first paragraph. very quirky and cute. but the epiphany is too sudden. did it really happen that way? if so...is there a smoother transition? if not...well....smoother transition? haha

i like the second para as well. can you elaborate on some of the outside shows? particularly the one you like the most.

If someone had told me my freshman year that when I became a senior I would have leading roles in musicals, be the secretary of the drama club, and be a member of the Select Vocal choir I probably would have said, "Well duh. All this hard work I'm doing now better pay off somehow."

wording is kinda weird.... If someone had told me during my freshman year that when I BECOME a senior I would have ...etc,etc,etc...

but i dont like this...arrogance is nothing to brag about and all the great humor in your first part of the essay seems to just go to waste because of your negative ending. I thought you were fun and awesome until I read your conclusion. now it gives me the impression that I wouldn't want to be your friend...