Undergraduate / 'the four hundred meters athlete' - extracurricular activities or work experience [2]

i really need help in improving my paragraph here,,, its on the common app.. thanks

I am the four hundred meters athlete in my freshman and sophomore years. To me, stamina, strength, willpower and concentration are the four essential components in racing the four hundred meters. The race is not long or short, but I have to use my whole concentration into the race. However, it's not only a race, but a higher level training of abiding willpower and strength. Although the training of an athlete is sometimes toilsome and we wanted to give up, we have to endure and overcome. By overcoming the adversities in training, it helps me in persisting to do everything and not giving it up. The race also requires athletes to follow the direction and not getting out of line. Unfortunately, after I got injured from the swimming gala, i stopped my training and started to develop another hobby, which is playing the piano. I benefit a lot from this sport since it gave me a really clear objective in my life.

Feel free to state the mistakes... thanks a lot

Undergraduate / 'My lovely grandma is now eighty-four' - influential person [NEW]

I remember the two striking images from the afternoon I left my country last year. The first image is my grandmother crying as I left my house, with the tears of mine. The second image is my grandma giving me the ancient harmonica that she had owned for ages. She is like a role model and teacher to me. Although she is not the most successful person in making money, she is the most important people who taught me and raised me to become a good person - taking responsibilities, having self discipline and persistence.

When I was a child, I have no concentration and focus at all. I tried to learn different music instruments, but I failed every time because I cannot sit there and be tranquil for the whole lesson. I stayed like that for almost a year, and my grandma changed my attitude in one night. I woke up at early morning, and I heard that there was a pleasant sound of the harmonica. That was the first time I heard that from my grandma, she plays the harmonica like an angel singing. I began to love harmonica on that day and spent all my free time to learn from grandma and this is the instrument I learn persistently. After my grandma spent so much time to teach me, I realized persistence is the only way to be successful and by that time I always try my best in persisting on things I have to do. I keep the harmonica she gave me as a promise I made to her that I should persist on everything I do.

After I had strived for the persistence in myself, the next problem was my responsibilities. I was the middle child, so every time I did something wrong, I shirked the responsibility to my younger sister and blamed her. However, one day someone broke the vase on the balcony, and I knew my sister did it in an accident. When my grandma went home and saw this, she was infuriated and not listening the truth. My grandma told me "Do to others as you would have them do to you." That's the time I realized blaming the innocents is timid and not proper, and I have to be responsible to gain trust from others in order to have a wonderful personality.

It's impossible for an indocile child like me to strive for self-discipline. I learnt to do housework from my grandma and also learnt time management. These two skills are the path to self-discipline. I did housework with her and played with her, and from following her daily routine, I have fixed my problem of playing games for a long time. I controlled myself from the desire to play and managed my time usefully.

My lovely grandma is now eighty-four years old, and she is still my role model. I aspire to be like her because she influenced me a lot in a positive way and she taught me to be a good person without regretting. It's not only persistence, responsibility and self-discipline, there are much more my grandma has influenced me. I would never forget the morals she taught me and be a good person.

THANKYOU! i appreciate your efforts :D

Undergraduate / 'Fried Rice and Food Paradise' - Rutgers New Brunswick essay [NEW]

Rutgers is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.

Growing up as one of the rival Hong Kong students; I have to be diligent, industrious, courageous and ambitious to strive for the college admission. Every student has a dream - the glorious college life. Rutgers is an integrated school with students of different races and backgrounds. The assorted types of people in Rutgers can benefit each other with their own experiences and cultures. Different individuals have their own various skills and identities which can let the others to know more about different cultures. Rutgers is a vibrant community which can accommodate students to their adult life and it is the essential path to be successful.

Since students should be competitive, my mother raises me like she is making fried rice - by supporting me with tons of extracurricular activities and skills. Having various identities has made me a diversify person with different skills. At home, I am the sister who has to cook for the family. At school, I am a student who has to study and learn. On the track, I am the athlete racing four hundred meters. At community center, I am the scout who has to do volunteer works. On stage, I am the piano or harmonica performer. Rutgers incorporates wide variety of people who share same identities or interest with their same kind and provides opportunities to enhance the skills we already possess.

Living in a diversify city like Hong Kong, I have to be in touch with people of different cultures and races, it is the same here in America. In my school, I meet different race of people and I am getting to know more about the outside world. By sharing my Chinese culture to a Spanish friend, she felt interesting and curious and shared her cultures to me. I am sure most students are interested in other cultures. By sharing different cultures, I can have more choices of enjoyment, especially food. Moreover, by getting in touch of different races of people, I can further diversify myself and take a look of the outside world. Rutgers is an amalgamation of people with different cultures. It is like fried rice in a big bowl, with different people from all over the world fitting in a university. Although the races of students are dissimilar, they can all fit in the arable environment in Rutgers.

Hong Kong is known as "Food Paradise" in Asia. Since there are different races of people living in this city, the food provide in Hong Kong is diversified. From my younger ages to the present, I love trying different types of food: Japanese food, Indian food or Thai food. The food in Hong Kong has made my profound dream, which is to manage the food process. I am curious about all different kinds of food, and I love to share my Chinese food to my friends here, in return, they are also willing to share they home country food to me. Being a food-lover has made me willing to approach the other cultures and discover more about them. Rutgers serves as a diversify community can help me to develop interest and deeper understanding of other food culture.

What will the "fried rice" bring to me, and what I will bring to it? Rutgers can provide me with the vibrant community, which allows me to fit in to share the experiences of others and expand my education. It can also provide the best learning environment for me in my college life. To Rutgers, I will help the others with my knowledge and share my own culture to help boosting the diversification in Rutgers. I believe that I will be one of the diversity at Rutgers, and benefit from it as well.

Any feedback are welcome ,,thankyou