Undergraduate / 'it made me eager to read and interpret literature' -Stanford (Intellectual Vitality) [7]

I wrote out rough drafts for my other two Stanford essays but just need some help with the ideas and grammar.
Write a Note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - or us - know you better

Im not exactly sure how to end this letter. Do I need to do a small paragraph on my personality?

Hey, I just want to let you know in advance that if you see me at the computer before you go to sleep and I am still there in the morning, I'm not in a coma. Pulling all nighters with my friends in video games is actually a regular occurrence on our weekends and has been since my sophomore year in high school. We generally play an online game religiously for a few months, obsessing until we master it. Sometimes I take this desire for perfection too far and can be a little competitive, but for the most part I keep myself in check and enjoy what I do.

One thing that you will come to learn about me is that I don't put much value on sleep. This has been true since I was young and is due to the fact that I want to experience as much as I can with my time. I would rather be awake interacting with people on campus, exploring the grounds, or talking to my old friends. Hopefully I won't upset you too much with my weird sleeping pattern, and I promise to be as quiet as possible late at night

You might not expect this from someone who was born and raised in New Jersey, but I am fascinated by Japanese culture. I frequently watch Japanese animation (anime) and read manga. In addition, I have also had an interest in the martial arts and plan to join the JKA Shotokan Karate club. Finally, I intend to take courses in both the Japanese language and culture so that I can learn as much as possible.

What matters to you, and why?

It is funny how a person can have a war raging on inside of them and hardly recognize what is going on. This internal conflict goes quietly unnoticed until some stimulus, some event, or some realization takes hold of them and screams "wake up!". For me, this realization came from the utterance and explanation of a single word, postmodernist. Postmodernists are characterized by emotional numbness, having no hope or formal expectations, and parody of the outside world. Although it is a recent discovery (coming just at the beginning of this year), my exposure to the word has revealed what I have been struggling with since I was a freshman. There are two conflicting sides in me: one has the desire to help and care for others, while the other holds me back.

For me, this struggle has mainly been concerned with how I interact with people and what I plan to do in the future. Originally as a freshman, I resembled a stone wall. Nothing that happened around me, in the country, or even the world had any marked effect on me. But over time as I have developed, I began to think that I should care. I should try to do something. I still admittedly struggle at times to care, but I have developed a sense of concern and compassion for people. Now I try and help the people I see struggling rather than think "it's their problem" or "why should I care."

This struggle has also affected what I plan to do with my life. I used to think that what I did would not matter; I thought I could not have any effect on people. However, as I began to feel more compassion for others I decided I want to try and help. I am still not sure that I will make a difference, but I feel as though I have to try. Because it showed me the conflict I was going through, the word postmodernism has helped me go further from my postmodernist tendencies and more towards helping others. This struggle, although not unique, has influenced how I acted and what decisions I made.

Undergraduate / 'My schooling and my parents' - The world you come from-UC Application [4]

In order to even out the paragraphs a little you might want to split the first one between "; a feeling that was not familiar to me at the time. " and "Upon my entry to high school, "

You might want to put your last paragraph first in the sense that your parents gave you the love of science, the appointments and 7th grade let you come to that realization, and how high school developed this love.

As we progressed through the various organs, I saw each and every one in a completely new light.

I was, and still am, amazed at the beautiful intricacies of the body. Immune systems, circulatory systems, I was loving every moment of it. From very early on I realized that I simply could not stop here. If this is a senior year course it might be a little odd to refer to it in the past tense since it has only been two months.

This class essentially planted to seed that will now grow and mature over the years, as I delve deeper into the depths of medicine and the body. Is the seed to become a doctor not your parent's encouragement and your visits to doctors?

Undergraduate / 'Playing video games' + 'The Comparative Media Studies' + 'Curiosity' - MIT [2]

1) I understand that wording is limited but the first essay to me sounds fairly generic. I do not think it is irony to be inspired by something you like.

2) In particular, I am very interested in the CMS's research program

, and at GAMBIT, games are designed to identify and solve research problems.

I also found that GAMBIT will conduct research on the artistic, creative, business, and social aspects of games.

You use GAMBIT three sentences in a row. Try to replace one use with a pronoun to make it less redundant

I think you should refer to game designing as game design. Not 100% though.

3) Ever since I can remember, I have always been a curious and inquisitive person.

As far as I can remember the first video game I played was Recoil, a tank based game .

played, and I have always marveled at the increasing quality of games and wondered how they were made.

Undergraduate / 'The urge to succeed' - What matters to me Stanford [10]

I excelled at and enjoyed these sports.

While the sports I play certainly do matter to me, it's bigger than that. It's is a vague word and here does not refer back to any thing clearly.

No one likes losing, and while it may be a hard fought game, it's never rewarding unless you get the W at the end. I would advise maybe taking that part out. I feel like you contradict this statement when you say, "when I don't succeed, rather than hang my head in disappointment, I push myself more so that next time" because in a sense losing helps you get better by making you try harder. Or, since it seems like an important statement in your essay, say that it does not seem rewarding unless you win.

Undergraduate / 'it made me eager to read and interpret literature' -Stanford (Intellectual Vitality) [7]

Thanks, the essay i need the most feedback on right now is my roommate one. Not to sure what I'm supposed to do.

Undergraduate / 'the impact of religion on society' - Stanford Supplement: What Matters and Why? [2]

The essay is definitely well written and has a good story to promote the idea of restraint. The transition to freedom in voice is a really good jump.

I suggest you expand on what changed in your essay writing and how this change came about. Was it a long term development or a sudden realization?

The last sentence might be a little confusing because of how often you use or. I had to go back and reread it to get what you were saying.

I have the same questions for my roommate essay if you wouldn't mind checking it out.