Undergraduate / 'My Dad's Illness Gave Me Inspiration' - UC Prompt #1 [25]

U need to state ur ambitions in life. U say "To see anyone in pain is extremely difficult for me, and it makes my heart sink to realize what some people are forced to go through each and every day. Frankly, I'm tired of feeling helpless over peoples' injuries, and that is what makes me strive to be the person whom anybody can come to in a time of pain." so do u want to become a doctor? I mean that ur essay is good, u convey ur points very well but the ending, if u want to become a doctor then say so.

Undergraduate / "a child with autism" - UC prompt #2 [2]


This is not necessary, u have already led towards this sentence with ur first sentence.


of not for


The second part should be" I was scared to take care of him because I did not want something bad to happen, but I chose not switch campers and I feel it was a right decision."

Other than this, ur essay is good and it reaches the point

Undergraduate / 'My family moved to USA' - UC prompt 1 [14]

Hey, I really like your essay. It is really well organized and it gets to the point.

I think u need can focus ur essay a little bit better and yes, u should state ur dream.

Undergraduate / 'my family and I were living in India' - Stanford Intellectual Development [5]

I have edited it and made the changes you suggested... please re-read and comment. Thanks!

Back when I was seven years old, my family and I were living in India. One morning when I was getting ready for school, I dropped my pencil on the ground near the bed. As I went to grab the pencil, I realized that there was a small box under the bed. I pulled out the box and saw that it was all dusty and dirty. I took a towel and wiped the box and then I opened the box slowly. When I was done opening the box, I found a lot of coins.

I pulled out the coins and put it in my bag making sure that my parents did not see me and I put the box back just the way I found it. When I went to school, I was so excited because this was the first time that I had some money which I could spend on anything I wanted and the best part was that my parents did not know. During the short 15 minute break, I went to the school cafeteria to buy some food but realizing that I didn't have a lot of money and that I wanted to buy something for the next 10 to 15 days, I bought mango ice cream and I happily ate it. That was when I realized how much apparent freedom money could bring to people and for the next 10 days, I bought the same thing never getting bored of it and never realizing I was slowly running out of money.

On the 11th day, I reached into my bag to pull out some money as usual and I found that I had a few coins left but not enough to buy a mango ice cream. I just ate my lunch that day and when I got home, my parents were sitting on the sofa speaking softly to each other. As I passed them on my way to my room, my father asked me "Did you take money from home?" I replied "No." He kept asking me the question over and over again and I kept saying no. After about saying no 20 times, I said "yes". My father said that he knew that I had taken the money from home and that I should not lie about such small things like taking 10 rupees from home.

The punishment that I received from my father was to write "I will not steal and I will not lie." a thousand times in my notebook. Now and then when I feel that there is a need for me to lie, I ask myself if it is worth the 1000 sentences that I will have to write, the pain and the time. That day, my father taught me an important lesson which was to always be honest and it is a life lesson which I feel is useful and I will never forget it.

Graduate / Michigan State Uni - SOP for PhD in Marketing [3]

Hi,

firstly, "I was initially attracted to the field of marketing because I find it to be a very dynamic and creativity-based field. In addition, marketing is a fast-growing discipline, encircling a wide area of activities within the community. I was first exposed to marketing while studying in my Bachelor degree. While studying Engineering, I took courses related to Industrial marketing, such as International Marketing, Advertising and Marketing Management as electives. In addition to these courses, we examined several case studies and devised specific solutions for particular problems; through these courses, I grew familiar with the basic theories and applications of marketing.

" this should be changed to "I was initially attracted to the field of marketing because I find it to be a very dynamic and creativity-based field. In addition, marketing is a fast-growing discipline, encircling a wide area of activities within the community(such as...). I was first exposed to marketing while doing my undergraduate studies in Engineering. I took courses related to Industrial marketing, such as International Marketing, Advertising and Marketing Management as electives. In addition to these courses, I examined..."

secondly, "After completing my Bachelors degrees in Engineering, due to a keen interest in Marketing, I enrolled myself for a Post Graduate Diploma in Business Management at Indian Institute of Planning and Management, New Delhi from August 2007. I quickly developed great interest in the field of marketing. As a result, I sought work as an intern at Mermet International Ltd., a French-based company which sells Interior Decorative Accessories, during the summer vacation." should be "After completing my Bachelors degree in Engineering, I enrolled myself for a Post Graduate Diploma in Business Management at Indian Institute of Planning and Management, New Delhi due to my keen interest in marketing."

thirdly, "Additionally, the field of marketing is well-established in the US, and as a result, it is a suitable setting for advanced training in this field. Studying in such an environment will, I believe, put me on the path to success. Specifically, joining the prestigious Marketing doctoral program offered by Eli Broad Graduate School of Management will give me the theoretical training, practical experience, and access to resources that I will need to advance my knowledge." is not needed in the essay. You want to talk about the school not about the US economy, it can shift any moment.

next, "I have organized and participated in a number of extra-curricular activities during my college days." What activities? Specify!

lastly, "I am confident that the skills and expertise I have acquired through years of education and employment have prepared me well for the program at your institution, and I am eager to apply myself and develop my skills further. I hope that the admissions committee finds my background and strengths commensurate with the requirements of MSU's Ph.D. program in Marketing at Eli Broad Graduate School of Management" is totally unnecessary. Just end with "I know that the knowledge and experience I gain in your doctoral program will be essential in helping me make a contribution to our community."

Other than this, your essay was good! :)

Undergraduate / 'how i was discriminated against on' - Georgia Tech [12]

hey u got in... dont worry about it! nice resume