FreeSpirit11
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'An Unwelcome Routine' - personal quality/Common App [16]
Overall, your idea is excellent, and the idea to use a timeline is intriguing. There are some grammatical mistakes, and some re-wording which would benefit your essay.
1.) "Immediately after school, I run as fast as I can." Where do you run? Are you just running for the fun of it? A revision of "Immediately after school, I sprint to the buses
hoping that they haven't left." Also, a slightly catchier first sentence might be needed, as this just didn't "grab me".
2.) "The sun rays that penetrate the window expose contrasting colors of light particles prismatically." This sentence doesn't really relate to the rest of the essay. After I read
this sentence, I thought that this was a lead into your main point; possibly that you enjoy physics or that you "see the world in a different way". I think you should omit
this sentence.
3.) "While waiting for the traffic light to change various thoughts come to my mind..."
"While waiting for the traffic light to change , various thoughts come to mind..."
4.) "Instantly, I analyze my tasks into time intervals and cross the street."
"While I cross the street, all my tasks are categorized into time intervals before I cross the street."
5.) "The bus arrives and engulfs me. Every day it goes along the same route at the same time with the same people." A combination of these two sentences would make the
sentence better.
"The bus engulfs me, and sunsequently transports me along the same route, at the same time, and with the same people."
6.) You need to make sure that your essay flows. This essay should be perfectly clear to anyone after reading through it one time. Editing your sentences and making sure
that you have complete thoughts is the best addition you can make to your essay.
Hope this helped! =)
Overall, your idea is excellent, and the idea to use a timeline is intriguing. There are some grammatical mistakes, and some re-wording which would benefit your essay.
1.) "Immediately after school, I run as fast as I can." Where do you run? Are you just running for the fun of it? A revision of "Immediately after school, I sprint to the buses
hoping that they haven't left." Also, a slightly catchier first sentence might be needed, as this just didn't "grab me".
2.) "The sun rays that penetrate the window expose contrasting colors of light particles prismatically." This sentence doesn't really relate to the rest of the essay. After I read
this sentence, I thought that this was a lead into your main point; possibly that you enjoy physics or that you "see the world in a different way". I think you should omit
this sentence.
3.) "While waiting for the traffic light to change various thoughts come to my mind..."
"While waiting for the traffic light to change , various thoughts come to mind..."
4.) "Instantly, I analyze my tasks into time intervals and cross the street."
"While I cross the street, all my tasks are categorized into time intervals before I cross the street."
5.) "The bus arrives and engulfs me. Every day it goes along the same route at the same time with the same people." A combination of these two sentences would make the
sentence better.
"The bus engulfs me, and sunsequently transports me along the same route, at the same time, and with the same people."
6.) You need to make sure that your essay flows. This essay should be perfectly clear to anyone after reading through it one time. Editing your sentences and making sure
that you have complete thoughts is the best addition you can make to your essay.
Hope this helped! =)