Posts by weima

weima

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / Why do I want to study Biology at Cornell - Cornell supplemental essay [2]

I think it would be more appropriate if:

I have been in love with science... (since you should still be in love with it)

I don't think it is very effective to RESTATE what you have taken in the 2nd paragraph, since they should appear on your transcript.

Instead, maybe you can describe HOW you answer the questions you can't find in textbooks.

I want to study at cornell... BECAUSE my goal is to become a biologist. (also this is a little weak, as you can become a biologist in any college). you should put in more specific evidence in WHY this college will make you THE biologist you WANT to become.

Hope this helps!

weima

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / "Quantum Society" or "children's' charity school" Chosing between two short answers [2]

I like the 2nd one better.

watch for capital letters for my feedback!

Five years ago, my mum took me to a local children's' charity school. While spending time there, the 'bubble' that many within the city lived in became evident. (MISPLACED MODIFIER, THE BUBBLES DID NOT SPEND TIME THERE). I would see people living on the road, hungry and weak but only vicariously (THIS IS PARADOXICAL, AND WRONG WORD FORM) (SHOULD NOT BE AN ADVERB), (BEGINNING TO BE A RUN-ON) through the windows of a car, was I 'privy' to the suffering of thousands of Ghanaians across the country(YOU WERE PRIVY THROUGH A WINDOW? MIGHT WANT TO REVISE THIS). (YOU ARE CHANGING FOCUS TOO ABRUPTLY)We organised(ORGANIZED) a series of games, (RUN-ON/ COMMA SPLICE) at the school, in which winners were given books(AVOID PASSIVE VOICE); the joy on their faces was inexplicable and the realisation(REALIZATION) that things are not meant to be taken for granted was firmly embedded in me (BAD PARALLELISM, FIX THIS BY SEPARATING THIS SENTENCE INTO TWO). I wasn't much older than a lot of the children but I was able to make a difference, a truly heart-warming experience (DANGLING DEPENDENT CLAUSE HERE, CONSIDER DELETING). Since then I have taken it upon myself to visit these schools frequently and encouraged many of my friends to come along in order to aid with (REVISE, MY FRIENDS TO TEACH BASIC COMPUTER SKILLS, THIS WOULD SOUND LESS SNOBBY)computer literacy among the youth(CHILDREN). I ensured that my time in Ghana should be used as an opportunity and that I would make a difference to the lives of the less fortunate, in a country that I call my home.

weima

Dec 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'potential of the liberal' - Bates Supplement Response [3]

Any help and feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Prompt:
In addition to the Common Application essay, please select one phrase from the Bates mission statement below and comment on how it inspires you and draws you to Bates (1-2 paragraphs).

Since 1855, Bates College has been dedicated to the emancipating potential of the liberal arts. Bates educates the whole person through creative and rigorous scholarship in a collaborative residential community. With ardor and devotion - Amore ac Studio - we engage the transformative power of our differences, cultivating intellectual discovery and informed civic action. Preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world, Bates is a college for coming times.

arts."

My RESPONSE
"Since 1855, Bates College has been dedicated to the emancipating potential of the liberal
My parents always tell me to follow my heart. Yet, in the past twelve years of education, I have learned nothing but the basics. When I read the statement above, I realize that my true potential was never fully recognized. I want to learn more than single-variable calculus or basic fundamentals of thermodynamic. I want to follow my heart, to release my potential to create a future that, not only would benefit myself, but also help others. Some say that I am not smart enough to cure cancer or reverse Huntington's disease; but I know I can if I were given the opportunity.

Bates' mission statement, "emancipating potential", directly answers my yearning. I realize now that schooling should not only mechanical module to indoctrinate knowledge, but should also act as motivating source that would allow me to reach my maximum capability. This is why I am convinced that Bates is the right school for me.