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Posts by shs1123
Joined: Dec 29, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The Feminist Perspective'- Common App. Main essay [17]

I disagree with Karissa_a16. From my perspective, your essay was thoughtful, passionate, mature, and...PERFECT. I agree that your essay is a risky/sensitive topic, but thats what makes you stand out from the other 1000s of applicants. So hopefully you get in to the schools of your choice!
shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement: What intrigues you? 'multiple perspectives, point of views' [10]

Your use of onomatopoeia in the beginning of your essay, it really made the essay jump! As for the character limit, i have a few minor suggestions. I would suggest rewording the phrase "I have a simple answer" to just "simple." i feel like that would give a more personal touch to your essay as well as delete 16 characters. I would also suggest shortening the phrase "news within several clicks and taps" to " several clicks. Lastly, I would suggest rewording, "In this world filled with technological baubles and gadgets" to "With technology at their fingertips." Over all, very creative!
shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "fixating on the past" + "sheep brains" - NYU Supplements [8]

Thank you for the feedback!!! Yeah, i didn't intend this to come off as immature. I will probably delete the quote about john sexton and elaborate on Professor William Ruddick . I will revise this essay and post it this afternoon. In the meantime, could you guys look at my common app essay?
shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Chocolate or vanilla?"- person of signficant influence common app essay [3]

Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Chocolate or Vanilla?

He was one of the "CEOs" of his town. His salary was something to be envied of, for only a select number of salesmen could achieve such standards. He had all the aspects of a businessman. He was dedicated, tactical, and aggressive. No other competitor could sell the immense volume of products like he could. This he was most certain of. This man would later become something commendable, something amazing, and something successful. He accomplished his goal of becoming a leader, but more importantly he would become my father, the once owner of an ice cream parlor.

"Chocolate or vanilla?" Asked my dad, "Chocolate!" chose the boy as my father effortlessly scooped the chocolate ice cream and placed it into the waffle cone. This was just another regular purchase for the boy, but to my father it was a valuable profit. My father had to make the most of every cent he earned because he came to America with only enough to help him pay through his first semester of college. He had to work 7 days a week to earn his tuition and was willing to do whatever it took to obtain the money, even if it meant running his own ice cream parlor everyday for 3 years.

On top of running his ice cream parlor, my dad also took evening classes to further his college education. With this workload and emphasis on the stressful environment of running a retail business, my father developed strong work ethics and entrepreneurial skills that helped him become the leader he is today. My father was driven by his focus and determination that one day he would run an organization that would employ thousands of people and earn the respect of the business community.

He was willing to make personal sacrifices to achieve success with limited financial resources, ultimately getting to the finish line. My father led his shop and his workers to their fullest potential that would one day earn him the respect of his peers and critiques.

It would not be until 18 years of age that I would realize the significance of my father's impact on my self. His goal-oriented mindset, determination, and dedication has seeped into my mentality unknowingly. What had seemed natural to me was actually of subconscious observation. With these traits at hand, I have become the leader of several organizations and clubs in my school. This includes, Biology Club, Orchestra, Chess Club, and the school's tennis team. I've also developed a long term goal similar to that of my father. I have developed the aspiration of becoming a physician because I could benefit the community around me through my leadership as well as my knowledge in the field I would be pursuing. To achieve success I had to choose between what had seemed like two flavors, emphasis on my education or my drive to pursue a goal. I would choose both. Can't you get a chocolate and vanilla swirl?
shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Topic of your choice "Frankenstein" [5]

I loved the way you used the vivid imagery in the beginning. It felt like I was there! You may want to specify the specific math competition you were in that included your experience with the "Frankenstein" problem. And in my opinion, you don't have to include the answer to the problem. I didn't think of what the answer was until you suggested placing it in the essay. So i guess that's a good thing! haha. But over all fantastic, very creative!

If you have a minute, can you look at my common app essay?
shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / (new methods of thinking / journalism / Bohemian Rhapsody) - NYU [10]

For the first essay-Very creative, fluid, organized, and mature. I would suggest adding something specific from NYU that really stands out to you. For the third essay, you suppose chose a specific event instead of everything? but i guess it differs from perspective to perspective
shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Alzheimer's disease' - Cornell supplemental essay-Human ecology [2]

"I'm, sorry Madame, but you have Alzheimer's disease," carefully said the doctor. It was in 2000 when my grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. However, it was not until four years later when the disease had finally take an effect on her health and well being. However within those four years, my grandmother was treated differently socially, psychologically and even financially. It was as if her disease had "framed" her social standing and her position in society even though she was still the same healthy person. This event greatly intrigued me because the biological diagnosis from the doctor had led to decline of her social habilitation. Since that event, I have reworked my future goals, logic, and understanding of biology. I have researched numerous colleges in search of the major that best describes myself as well help me attain my future goal of being a physical therapist. I know that Cornell University's college of human ecology perspective is the perfect fit for me for it provides the major, "human biology, health, and society."

After this influential experience, I have started to notice and become more aware of the multiple aspects of human biology. Before the event, I viewed biology as a single perspective course of study, but with my experience of the event, my interest in human biology has been kindled and developed since. Starting my freshman year, I had joined my schools biology club, science Olympiad, and the science fair competition. These events had emphasized the significance of the physical aspect of medicine, but showed little and it was not until I had started volunteering at my local hospitals did I finally see the other side of medicine.

With over 100 hours of volunteer experience, I had developed a multi perspective view of medicine and have notice the crucial social science perspective of the. This can also be demonstrated through my experience at pinnacle health. Part of my job there was to hook up the health reading equipment such as heart monitors, and pressure cuffs.

My interning at that at hospital was important to developing my interest in the social science of human biology because it allowed me to experience the theology firsthand. By seeing patients having surgery as well as prepping for the surgery mad an influential impact to my interest too social science. Specifically, the patient's psychological state before the surgery could be altered through biological intervention as well as social intervention such as calming the patient before the surgery. By taking regard to the patient's psychological well being, the physical endoscopic aspect of the procedure had been less stressful on the doctor as well as the nurses around him.

Through observation of my grandmother's death as well as firsthand experience of my volunteer hours at my local hospitals, I know that the College of Human Ecology major is the perfect match for me for it demonstrates my interest in the inter connectivity between physical aspect of medicine as well as the social science behind it.
shs1123   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / (new methods of thinking / journalism / Bohemian Rhapsody) - NYU [10]

sorry, I meant to say was- is there a way in which you could somehow incorporate the bohemian rhapsody lyrics in the third paragraph? That way, a reader unfamiliar with song, (myself haha), can have a better background before interpreting the rest of the essay. I did not see any problems with your second essay, its stellar in my opinion!
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