Scholarship / Goals and experience in public health, explanation of financial need essay [2]

In this scholarship I am asked to give:
1. Explanation in 150 words or less concerning your goals in public health, your reason for wanting the scholarship, your past or present public health experience
2. Statement/explanation of financial need

Right now I feel both essays are very clicheic, so any help would be greatly appreciated. These are my two essays:

GOALS IN PUBLIC HEALTH
To whom it may concern,
In 2011, my then single mother was in a one-week coma attributable to a clot in her thalamus. Her subsequent three-week hospitalization permitted me to become acquainted experientially with procedures such as lumbar punctures, Electroencephalography tests, and procure continuous and elaborate insights on the commission of the medical staff. Although through arduous supervention, this undertaking instilled an ardor for the medical profession, and endowed esteemed acquaintanceship with the cumulated classroom knowledge from Anatomy, AP Biology, and AP Psychology.

I am from the humble nation of Guinea-Bissau (Africa), and apprehending firsthand the dire need for health workers in my country, my aspiration is to specialize in neonatology, and return to Africa in the endeavor of detruding the high infant mortality rates (96.23/1,000 in Guinea-Bissau). I am presently accepted at Baylor University, and was allocated the ability to place my admission on hold as the U.S. Government issues my Permanent Residency Card. This scholarship would therefore alleviate the $42,000 cost of attendance, and dispense the attainment of books and supplies.

Thank you very much for considering my application.
Sincerely,

EXPLANATION OF FINANCIAL NEED
To whom it may concern,
Throughout my high school career, I have consistently concentrated my resolution toward college. In this endeavor, I took seven Advanced Placement classes, and procured college credit for seven classes (Chemistry, Biology, U.S. History, World History, Literature and Composition, Calculus AB, Psychology), as well as graduating with highest honors, and a 4.3 weighted GPA. Although this qualified me for academic scholarships, I was not able to apply due to my international student status. Thankfully, in the summer of 2011 I was conferred the opportunity to apply for my permanent residency. Because the expenditure of college is considerably lesser as a U.S. resident opposed to an international student, I was elicited to place my college attendance on hiatus as the U.S. government issues the card.

I live my mother who is employed in two occupations and earns a combined total of $45,000 per year. Her husband is recently retired with half of his monetary assets availing toward the support his five minor children. Because my mother is constrained by mortgage, insurance, utilities, gas and living expenses, there is currently little to no alimentation for my college outlays as the Baylor annual expenditures are aloft $42,000. I am presently applying for any and every scholarship, but the soaring and increasing expenses of college attendance are a vast impediment that could even bar my college enrollment.

As established through my prior school accomplishments, I am an eminently impelled student who excogitates the benefaction of schooling determinedly. Disparate my fellow nationals in Guinea-Bissau, I have been consigned a rare and coveted fortuity, that will under no circumstance be discounted. Therefore, I implore and urge for the financial support of this scholarship to burnish my college aspirations.

Thank you for your time in reviewing my application.
Sincerely,

Scholarship / Using degree to impact field of work scholarship essay [3]

Any corrections would be appreciated, this is the prompt:
In 500 words or less, describe how you intend to utilize your degree/course of study to positively impact your field, and ultimately, the greater community.

Here is my essay:

Science, to some this elicits electrifying recollections of experiments, boisterous projects, or astute dissections. For me, agony. I was endlessly bored by the tedious data about biomes, fossils, and worst of all, plants. Yet, in high school, I hesitantly enrolled into A.P. Chemistry and Biology, and was ensorcelled. While others disesteemed the intricacy, I was enthralled by the complexity of the human anatomy, from cell-mediated immune responses, to mRNA translation, oligodendrocytes, and intermolecular forces. All galvanized me to pursue a major in biochemistry with an occupation in neonatology.

Biochemistry inspects the "chemical components and processes of living systems plants, insects, viruses, microorganisms, and mammals to explain how and why chemical reactions occur." It targets, the manner in which living organisms attain energy from food, the chemical foundation of heredity, and alterations that ensue in diseases. Students in this field canvass the structures and demeanors of complex molecules as they model cells, tissues, and organisms. Although the curriculum is rigorous, the assets are ubiquitous as the discipline permeates microbiology, pharmacology, toxicology, and most eminently, cultivates techniques to study the diagnosis and therapy of diseases.

I aim to employ the knowledge attained from biochemistry in my career as a neonatologist, a subdivision of pediatric medicine allotted to the diagnosis and treatment of high-risk neonates. Throughout history it has been determined that prenatal survival is associated to the infant's capacity to sustain respiration at birth, an understanding biochemists have adopted to foster "strategies designed to avoid lung dysfunction in the preterm infant." As emblematized through Whitsett and Stahlman's article which states, "biochemical changes induced by prenatal glucocorticoids improve lung function and decrease the risk of respiratory distress in infants," due to innovative achievements in biochemistry, a myriad of infants with predicaments once deemed fatal, are now granted life.

Noting the magnanimous accomplishments expedited through biochemistry, I too enterprise to apply this major as an avenue to abate the high infant mortality rates in Sub-Saharan Africa. As reported by UNICEF in 2006, "Sub-Saharan Africa remains the most troubling geographic area... 1 in every 6 children dies before age five." UNICEF arraigns the high mortality to pneumonia, a lung infection abetted by bacteria and viruses, which they characterize as "the forgotten killer of children" murdering more children than AIDS, malaria, and measles combined.

With a background in biochemistry, I endeavor to impact my field by assaying biochemical venues to the treatment and forestallment of pneumonia. If a superior apprehension of the pathophysiology of this malady is identified, then new pathways can be acquired to decipher this global dilemma. Therefore, I aspire to contribute to the research of the microbes liable for this infection, and identify biomarkers that adequately demarcate amidst bacterial and viral pneumonia, consequently prompting faster treatment for neonates.

I am from the humble nation of Guinea-Bissau, and having been blessed with this invaluable opportunity I am vehement to serve my fellow Africans. Though this ambition is grandiose, I am confident that in alliance with other researchers, a solution will be actualized.