Posts by HSaucy

HSaucy

Feb 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'types of goals we set in life' - CLEP College Comp Essay [2]

Could someone offer some advice on my essay below. I am practicing to take the CLEP college Composition exam in a few weeks and just did this timed essay today. It was one of the 30min ones. Thanks!

"There are no challenges so difficult, no goals so impossible, as the ones we set for ourselves."

Write an essay in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement above. Support your discussion with specific reasons and example from your reading, experience, or observations.

_____

There are two types of goals we set in life: those that others set for and expect of us, and those that we set for ourselves. Though both could be equally difficult, the goals and challenges we set for ourselves typically end up being harder than anything that someone else could dream up. We see a goal or a result that we want, and once we put our mind to achieving that goal there is no turning back. Throughout history and daily life it is easy to see how the challenges and goals we set for ourselves far outweigh any that even a parent could ever dream of us accomplishing.

First consider Harriet Tubman. Few people believed that she could actually be successful sneaking slaves through the deep south and into the safety of the north. To the outsider, rescuing slaves seemed like an impossible task. It was extremely difficult to walk under the nose of the plantation owners without being caught, yet Tubman returned again and again to rescue more slaves. The goal she set for herself of resucing all the slaves was something that noone believed was possible. But through her extrodinary willpower and self-determination, Tubman was successful in rescuing hundreds of slaves.

Another example of how we as individuals can challenege ourselves comes in the area of school. As students we want to acheive so much, earn a certain degree, graduate with certain grades, or earn a particular award. While teachers and parents may encourage us along our journey, and perhaps even suggest challenges for us to undertake, it is the student who puts the greatest pressure on themselves. The will and desire to succeed and conquer the tough battles is something that is inside of a person; noone can give them that fight and determination.

Finally, I see the truth in how we challenege ourselves the most play out in my daily life. I love athletics and devote much of my spare time to training and competiting to be the very best that I can be. Despite my hardest efforts, I remain only average amoung my peers. Coaches, parents, and other athletes are great in encouraging me along the journey, but few would have ever imagined what I have accomplised. I decided last year that I wanted to spend the winter living away from home and ski training. Even my parents thought this was asking a little much when I mentioned the idea to them. But it was only through my hard work and preseverence of pushing through obsticles that I was able to succeed and accomplish my goals. And because of the difficult challenges and goals I set for myself, I am now able to entertain the idea of skiing in college. A year ago nobody believed that skiing in college was ever possible for me, but now it has become a reality.

In closing, these example clearly show that it very true that there "are no challenges, no goals so impossible as the ones we set for ourselves". If we always believed what others said about us, and never dreamed bigger, we would never accomplish what we have in our lifetime. Many slaves would have had to die in slavery if it weren't for the determination of a woman named Harriet Tubman who was convinced that she could rescue the slaves. What would our economy be like today if students did not challenge themselves beyond what their teachers and peers put upon them? Where would I be if I hadn't set high expectatitions and took a jump for them? I am convinced that the world would be a drastically different place if we only tried for the goals that others set for us instead of the ones we set for ourselves.

HSaucy

Feb 16, 2012

Writing Feedback / Colleges Suffer from a Lack of Diversity of Ideas [2]

below are my revisions. Spelling/grammer corrections are in red, and the sentences in blue are ones that I think could use rewording. I had to read them several times to understand the meaning and get the intended flow of the sentence. Also, I think this essay could use a stronger introduction and conclusion.

Diversity in the world is slowly progressing, which is augmented by the high accumulation of ignorance in education. Throughout the years, there has been a need for diversity especially in the underrepresented races. To create the need for more ideas in diversity, affirmative action has been used in colleges. College students perform poorly due to the inadequate preparation. Some of them lack confidence in studies (Mattis & Sislin 86). According to studies, some colleges do not offer courses on humanities, which is a crucial field in education.

Humanities affect all people in their entire life, to enable them to survive as well as succeed in the society today. For individuals dealing with poverty issues, gaining knowledge of resources is important to them. This exposes the students to many ideas as they learn how they can become marketable in the world and be cross-cultural. To be a part of a particular world, one needs to reflect its background.

There is little diversity in college admissions within different cultures. People, who belong to the same race, come together, and live in the community (Kendall 218). Another cause which leads to this slow progression is media and high inequality among people. The media has participated in disregarding people from various races to be on television; therefore the rate of inequality has hindered them from attaining their dreams.

Today, instructors come across students from various social and cultural groups. These classes promote critical-thinking as well as proper decision making. Educators in these schools seek to provide the students with equal chances regardless of their cultural background. Multiculturalism support that students' backgrounds should be the focus of education, and that learning should take place in contexts where multiple ways of thinking are accommodated.

People who share similar values come together in a town and reinforce the distinctive resources of the town. This is a notion that has existed for many years among many communities. Besides, powerful institutions such as the media greatly influence people's perceptions of different races and ethnicities. Diversity in college admissions reflects diversity of the state. However, the road to achieve this is very difficult and has led to many controversies.

In the 1960s, standardized testing of education was established to both the liberals and the conservatives who resulted to formations of high powered institutions which were driven by merit. Racism is not a cause for the problem of diversity among campus students. Thinking among the college's students is built on the notion that states that truth is achieved when ideas clash. Matters regarding political philosophies, institutions have to be absent in institutions that have to strive in exploring many ideas (Knight 63).

Studies show that most academics are not conscious that they make orders in the university, and they misuse this power to limit resources. When they operate in such environments, these professors or instructors do not comprehend the nature of the conservatives due to their biases of decency. There are several prejudices that lead to the lack of diverse ideas such as a common assumption whereby a professor may think that all the students are liberals. The students may try and justify their beliefs and thus create similar negative emotions toward the professor.

HSaucy

Feb 24, 2012

Writing Feedback / Are the youths of today irresponsible? [4]

Overall a fairly good essay, and a good argument. I like your strong use of language and choice of advanced vocabulary; it really adds to the quality of the essay. A big thing to watch out for is subject-verb tense agreement. There were several times that you used a plural noun with a singular verb or vice versa. There were also quite a few spelling errors--just make sure they don't show up in your final copy! Also, sometimes the order of your words did not make sense, or there were extra articles (a, to, the) that did not need to be there--watch out for these are it makes the paper read better if word order is good. Finally, the conclusion could use a revision. The overall thought it a good one, but I believe that it could be much stronger if it was worded differently and perhaps included another sentence better summarizing the essay as a whole. I've given one possible revision, but again, it could use another sentence or two to make it a stronger conclusion.

Many say that the y ouths of today are irresponsible. What have they done to deserve such remark? This view merits consideration and it is debatable.

Youth is a period where young men and women are filled with exuberance, curiousity and the thirst to seek out excitment and fun. Such abullient attitude by ~~the~~ youths is often looked down upon by their conservative elders who always criticize the behaviour displayed by the youths as irresponsible. Also, the lack of discipline in youths is conspicuous, as youths chafe at any restrainment that will hinder their search for excitement and new experiences. Many of them have initially tried smoking, drugs or drinking to taste the experience. However, some unconsciously became addicted ~~to it~~ , ending up as heavy smokers, acoholics or drug-addicts, which ultimately ruined their future prospects of good life. This ill-disciplined behaviour illustrated by ~~the~~ youths lead to the compelling criticism that youths are irresponsible.

However, let us also not to forget that it is only the negligible number of youths that fall under this category, most of them are obedient, disciplined and hardworking young people who are willing to work for the better. Talking about responsibility, adults are far from being responsible. Crimes are committed more by the adults than the youths. Bank robbery, serial homicide and raping are all done by adults instead of youths. Hence it is unjust to generalise that only youths are irresponsible.

What's really contributed to this uprising criticism of youths is their ideology differences from their adults and elders. The idealistic attitude of ~~the~~ youths contradicts their conservative seniors. The idealism of youths want change and improvement in their lives, whereas the elders reject change and prefer to remain in the same situation in which they are most comfortable.

The idealism of ~~the~~ youths has always been the catalyst for the improvement of mankind. It was due to the idealism of many young doctors that new medicines are constantly being created to save more lives. If they were to become conservative and refuse to change and improve upon themselves, there would not be any medicial advancement.

Hence, it is absurd for adults to generalize that all youths as irresponsible just because a small handful of youths are negligible. Certainly, not all youths are irresponsible.

HSaucy

Feb 24, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'experience-based and academic-based learning' - CLEP [2]

I'm practicing times essays for the CLEP college comp exam. How is this one? I feel as though my second supporting paragraph is a bit weak but I couldn't come up with anything stronger to say.

The old saying 'experience is the best teacher' suggests to some people that they would benefit more from learning on the job or in the world than from continuing their formal education in school or classroom.

Write an essay in which you discuss the relative values of experiential and academic learning. Support your view...
___________-

Some people argue that "experience is the best teacher" while others are certain that formal education will get you the furthest in life. Experience-based learning is a very valuable tool and teaches many important skills needed to succeed throughout life as a growing person. Likewise, academics teache the skills needed to be successful at a well-paying job, and pave the way for further success through experience-based learning. An illiterate person will not be of any help in the workplace, and an unexperienced wife will not make a good mother. Therefore it is a balance of both styles of learning which will make a person the most successful.

Experience is a wonderful teacher. If for example, you look at the various US presidents throughout history it is easy to see that what each one experienced while in office helped to shape the nation over the years. The lessons learned by one president impacted the next president and affected what he did. No amount of academics could have prepared George Washington for what he experienced as first president of the United States. Education prepared and taught him the skills and knowledge needed to be successful as president, but ultimately it was the real-life experiences that shaped Washington and changed the way he managed the country. Through his experiences, subsequent presidents learned a great deal about how to run the country wisely.

While experience may be a great teacher, there are some things that you will never learn by experience alone. Academics teach foundational subjects such as Math, Science, and English, and while it could be possible to learn such skills through other means, it would be very difficult to compete with those that learn through traditional methods. Moreover, learning in a traditional academic setting teaching valuable skills such as self-determination, motivation and perseverence. Learning through formal education is a very valuable experience in and of itself and will better prepare anyone for life outside of the classroom.

If you consider experience as a teacher, and the traditional academic style of learning, you will discover that both are very valuable to the learning experience. I learned the traditional academic subjects which prepared for life outside the classroom while my experience-based learning taught me skill such as cooking, money mangment, and personal saftey. Both experience-based learning and academic-based learning are equally important in developing into a well rounded, and competent person who will succeed in life.

In closing, if you consider both experience-based learning and academic-based learning you will discover that it is a balance of both that will result in the most well educated person. Experience alone will not teach you things like Math and English, but at the same time academic learning will not teach you how to manage a house or manage money. The skills needed to succeed in life are a balance of both experience and academic based learning. The most successful person will be the one who can find the right balance of both styles of learning and enjoy the process.