Posts by dennyssampler

dennyssampler

Dec 10, 2008

Undergraduate / "Brandon"-Common Application Essay [8]

I see what you mean about on its impact on me, but if I expand on it much more I fear that I'll put the reader to sleep and my essay will lose its effectiveness.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm new to this forum but from what I know, I think that it's better to expand on how it impacted on you rather than telling a story. The admission officer wants to know you as a person, not what you did. Sure you could have saved a kid's life, but the officer wants to know all the reasons behind it and how it affected you. Telling just the story of how you saved a kid's life, or in this case how you played with that kid, doesn't really convey your own character.

And even though the reader might be put to sleep, there are still ways to make it interesting while showing the impact your experience had.

And also, the prompt is "how it has impacted you" and you DEFINITELY want to answer the prompt for something as important as these essays

dennyssampler

Dec 10, 2008

Undergraduate / my grandmother's life truly influenced mine [7]

your essay tells me that you have a deep interest in chemistry (shown by your reef keeping), you are very active (rather than passive, you WANT to have your questions answered), and that you are very passionate (because you've stuck with reef keeping for 6 years and because you want to further chemistry, which seems to be your academic passion)

dennyssampler

Dec 10, 2008

Undergraduate / Starting on GWU Essay - what most influenced you to apply [5]

What most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University. If you are applying to an accelerated or special program, also explain why you are interested in this program at GW.

I'm applying to GWU's M.D./PhD accelerated program and I need help starting this essay. I applied to this school mainly because a representative from GWU came to my school and as I researched, I saw this medical program and I became interested and decided to apply.

But I want to make my essay interesting, and thus I ask this forum for help :(

Thanks in Advance,dennyssampler ( new to this forum :< )

dennyssampler

Dec 10, 2008

Undergraduate / "Brandon"-Common Application Essay [8]

lol would you like me to PM you my essay? its not that great but it demonstrates my impact. My first draft was like this but then I managed to shorten the story and take out things that werent really necessary. Also, I'm having trouble understanding your essay.

ex: But now, on the beach looking down at his beaming smile, my perspective on the weekend had changed

I don't think you really expanded on this perspective. From what I can read, correct me if I'm wrong, I believe you're trying to convey that you are a compassionate person by spending time with the boy. But you also describe a "change", but I don't see it; Did you go from having no interest in this boy to having a interest and not treating this activity as a chore? If so, you describe him as a "welcome change of pace as I greeted the freedom of summer", which means that you dont find him a nuisance and there is no "change".

dennyssampler

Dec 10, 2008

Undergraduate / Starting on GWU Essay - what most influenced you to apply [5]

As I signed my name under the list of every college that would be visiting Van Nuys High School, my attitude was to learn about every college and apply to every college so that I had many options to choose from in my path to college. The colleges included prestigious schools such as UC Berkeley, Stanford University, Pomona College, and Columbia. However, at that time when I had no knowledge of most universities except the ones my dads raved about such as Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, and Yale, I did not expect to be most influenced by the university that I had the least interest in. As I signed my name under the list of students who wished to attend the meeting with the representative from George Washington University, I jokingly told my friend, "Why don't we also sign up for the George W. Bush University?" Little did I know how drastically that 45 minute discussion about GWU would affect my college choices.

I initially did not care much for college. All I knew that, or incorrectly assumed, was that I should only aim for the Ivy Leagues. This mentality was brought from my father who truly believes that Ivy Leagues are the best colleges and obtaining a medical degree from one of the Ivy Leagues would mean guaranteed success in my future career. But in this meeting, I learned many things that proved me and my father's assumption false. The representative began to discuss about this college and how a college should fit like a glove. Correcting my false assumption, she mentioned how Harvard was not the best school for every individual. Then, she began to discuss the opportunities George Washington University would offer. The stellar internships, the unparalleled opportunities, and the large network one could make, I quickly became intrigued with this school. Although this was a school I had never heard of, each point the representative brought up sucked me in deeper and deeper into GWU. As the discussion ended, I could not believe how ignorant I was to the opportunities that GWU had. However the main reason I was drawn to GWU was the Seven-Year Integrated B.A./M.D. program.

The accelerated B.A/M.D. program at GWU I believe is one of the best medical programs in the nation. The internship opportunities in one of the most important cities in the world, the important people I could meet, and hopefully a lottery chance to treat the President if he was ill and needed a medical staff because the White House medical staff was somehow unable to help. Also, the convenient location of this university, next to the White House, will also help me blend my interest in politics, exemplified by my three year involvement in Junior Statesmen of America, and my career interest of becoming a physician.

I know that if I attended George Washington University, I could truly bring out my potential. With my strong academic background and interest in politics and medicine, I believe I can fully take advantage of the unique opportunities and program GWU has to offer. George Washington University is truly the perfect fit for my hand.

This is my essay. I need to cut to 500 words or fewer. Please rate and help me!!! Much props to whomever

dennyssampler

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / 'special interest clubs and organizations' - Pitzer Supplement Essay [9]

Preferably no 09 applicants. Just for safety, not pointing any fingers

Much thanks in advance,

PM me if ur willing to read.

My possible mistakes on essay:
-Too much storyline
-Grammar definetly
-Didnt fully asnwer prompt (didnt address intercultural understanding or social responsibility)
-Crappy organization
-Essay not focused, seems to be reaching everywhere.

Harsh and BRUTAL criticism NEEDED. please be as blunt as possible

dennyssampler

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / 'special interest clubs and organizations' - Pitzer Supplement Essay [9]

um should i post my essay here for better responses instead of waiting for PMs?

dennyssampler

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / 'special interest clubs and organizations' - Pitzer Supplement Essay [9]

Oh no wonder.

___________________________

Prompt: "Pitzer's educational objectives (intercultural understanding, social responsibility, interdisciplinary emphasis and student autonomy regarding breadth of knowledge courses) create a distinctive educational experience and community of learners. Please tell us why these objectives are a good match for you"

REMOVED

dennyssampler

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / 'special interest clubs and organizations' - Pitzer Supplement Essay [9]

hey are u sure about the "wanting". it sounds kind of awkward

and i changed it to "Witnessing my aunt's generosity and the worker's gratefulness, I actively participated in my school's community service club, Interact Rotary Service Club."

thoughts? ocmments?

dennyssampler

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / 'special interest clubs and organizations' - Pitzer Supplement Essay [9]

okay i put I could not help but to want.

Thank you for ur help :)

dennyssampler

Dec 31, 2008

Undergraduate / 'Go-Stop and Korea' - Pomona Supplement [2]

Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

In my hand I held the card, the key to robbing all of my father's money. Although I knew of the consequences I would face, I knew I had to use the card. Without any second thoughts, I flicked the red Japanese flower card onto the floor, matching each card, and winning the game with a sixteen point advantage. As I flashed my huge grin towards my father, he laughed and raptly (wrong word?) hit me on the head with his knuckles.

This scene describes a tradition in my family, as well as other Korean families. During the Lunar New Year, my family gathers at my house to celebrate a new year full of hard work, success, and self-improvement. We feast on delicious Korean barbeque and rice cakes, perform traditional bows to the elders of the family, and play fun games. However, my favorite part of this annual family gathering is playing Go-Stop.

Go-Stop is a Korean Card game played with Japanese flower cards, which are also called Hanafuda in its Japanese origin and Hwa-to in its Korean origin. The object of the game is to match certain cards and certain matching combinations award different points. Based on the point advantage at the end of the game, the loser usually pays a sum of money. (add this info as side notes to my descriptions of the specific event rather than a separate paragraph?)

Although Go-Stop has its origin from centuries ago in Feudal Korea as a gambling game, the elder players often lose on purpose to the children. Similar to the Chinese tradition of the elders giving money to the younger generation, Go-Stop is a way for the elder families to give the younger generation an amount of money in a fun way. But Go-Stop is not my favorite part of the family gathering for this reason. (Reword?)

Go-Stop brings my family together in a way like no other. It opens up the identity behind the harsh, reserved faces of my grandparents and all family conflicts are gone as we sit in a circle around a tiny deck of seemingly insignificant cards. This game also lets me embrace my diversity and identity as a Korean-American. In between both words of traditional Korean values and the volatile world of American culture, Go-Stop is a means of expressing myself to the fullest. Go-Stop is also a means of stealing money from my father also. To me, this combination of family bonding and gaining money is the meaning of "plain fun".