Undergraduate / "Riding bicycle", experience and achivement essay feedback and correction. [2]

I need feedback, suggestion and correction, you dude please read it and give me some
Thanksssssssssssssssssssssss

Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Riding bicycle home in the late noon, I went over many high slopes. Home seemed far and unreachable. Some months later, while being hit by many failures at the same time, I happened to recall the trip and recognized that I was facing just a little part of many challenges in my life. As long as I still stand on the ground, many more challenges will come to me. However, the most important things are my attitude towards them and how I deal with them.

Before I decided to take the trip by bicycle, I could not image how hard it was and how many high slopes standing there for me to overcome. When I understood the fact, there was no time for regretting, only focused on my riding.

On the road of life, many challenges are ahead and they are unpredictable. Facing them is like standing in front of a three-way crossroad. I have only one choice, trying to over come it with toughness or comfortably giving up. The first choice is risky; I may earn goals or fall in the darkness of failures. I clearly know that who do not try to overcome the challenges will never be able to do so. Failures are bitter, they take people down, crush people's will. Opposite that, challenges and failures are like teachers. Facing them brings experiences and vision of our problem. Although the damage cause by them is heavy, some failure-takers seeing the true value will pick themselves up, make other efforts and may gain goals. If they fall again, they will get up again. I do not fear those challenges, risk or any failures because I still have chance if I fail or at less I learn something. Who in this world want to earn success? Everyone. But who is bold enough to face the challenges? Not all the people.

Press the pedals hardly, my muscle was hurt. Every time I force my leg to move the pedals, the pains inside became worse but I got nearer to my home. It is the only way to conquer the high slopes. When the night fell, darkness covered the space; nearly in blind condition, I ride. The night made my eyes so sensible to light that I sense the neon lights were the most beautiful things on the road. There is another kind of light, it is the most beautiful of all, it's stronger than the sun, it belongs to people, it is the light of success. Reaching that kind of light is not easy because it demands efforts devoted for overcoming the darkness of failures and challenges. I clearly understand light and darkness exist in the same space and are parallel to each other. I can not deny the existence of darkness. What I need to do is to try to walk confidently through it and reach the light. Standing on the road of life, I can see much hardness waiting for me.

My trip, in some people's views, was just a ridiculous action of some teenagers. They do not know what I have faced, how hard I have tried and what I have learned. It steeled my will. Before the trip, I feared making mistake because I did not want any body laugh at me so I never try to face or overcome any challenges. In my eye, challenge used to be something which was so great for me to overcome. Contrastingly, now, I do not fear them. Any time, I fail, I just simply get up and try again, and it does not matter if people laugh at me or try to mock at my mistakes. I can see that there are many challenges ahead and I welcome them.

Undergraduate / "Recognizing my mistake and a way to fix it" - help me with the repetition :) [5]

This is my application essay, the topic is :"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you". I have a big problem with repetition, specifically I repeat the word " I " too many time. I have spent one week to solve this problem but I haven't made any progress. I hope you can help me with this one. Grammar, vocabulary and other corrections are highly welcomed.

Thanks a lot.

"Arrrgg, hell, what is going with me?", woke up in the darkness of five o'clock, I said to myself, my head was as hurt as it was hit by a hammer. I had that headache the previous night; it was not unusual at first. I had thought a little sleep could help so I had gone to bed two hours earlier than I used to do. Unfortunately, the sickness still bothered me heavily after seven hours of resting and there was no sign that it has reduce but worse. Although I was not able to see anything in such darkness, there were odd, twinkling figures dancing in front of my eyes.

I tried to get back to sleep again, but it was useless, I could not sleep any more. I got out of my bed, drank some cold water, hoping I would get better, but there was no change. I decide to get something for my brain to do, for that it may "forget" the sickness. I put on my coat then took a walk around my town which was cover in pitch black, complete silence and cold fog. On the way, I thought mindlessly about many things, bad things, good things, past and future things and something for myself. Events from past to present appear and disappear unexpectedly, I felt I was walking in aisles of a library and watching the documents of my life.

At the beginning of the walk, I recalled the image of father of a friend, who died of a brain sickness. I did not know its name but I have heard about its symptoms: narrowed view, headache with the feeling of vomit, being paralyzed one arm or one part of the body. I have two symptom, headache and vomit. Thinking of those things caused a feeling that I would died by the same way as his father was. That was the first time I recognized the fear of death of mine, it was different from the fear of being hurt or failure, it was stronger and made me regret of my life. I have pass over many important things in silence. They could be parents care, friends but the one I think of most was myself.

For years, I have watched people around me left me to higher rank of the society. One of my friends won a scholarship to the US, my sister became one of the most famous young journalists and my parents succeed in their business. Each of them, day after day, always stands firmly and fights for their lives, any time they saw an opportunity they run and try to catch it no matter how hard it is and never consider the failure. Live near them, I observer them every day, like an audience watch a big show, just sit and enjoy it. Suddenly I discovered that I have never fought for myself but left thing passed over like a paper boat drifted out to sea. I truly regret of what I have done, I had chosen to walk on an easy, boring road and forget the existence of other ways which were rough but full of glories. Thinking of the threaten of the death brought by the sickness, I thought I have no change to correct mistake or fix my life.

A loud bark of a dog I walked passed pulled me out of my pessimistic thought. I recognized I was still standing there, in my hometown, still breathing, I still lived (unfortunately, my head still ached). Even if I died that early morning, I would not let it a bad morning. I started running slowly and caught the mixture of smell of steam in the fog and wild flowers' perfume in my nose. Sometime, I saw some neighbors jogging, I said "hello" to all of them. I ran a little faster, I felt the cold wind touch my skin softly. I hardly ever get up early to do exercise but that morning I really enjoyed running around my little home town. Quite tired of running a long way, I walk gently to home. I said to myself:" I've to live, even a single little hope, I'll try it". That morning I went to the doctor, he said I was shocked by the sudden change in temperature, not a brain illness. My happiness was undescribable. I lived again and still had a change to full fill my missing.

I thought God was playing with me, he placed me in a smooth road with no hardness then he made me recognize my mistake and gave me a change to fix it. " I will not waste it"-I said to myself.