Heyy...this is not my written form of the essay...its a rough draft which isn't even in order...I don't need grammatical errors to be checked because ill change quite a bit of the essay...I would appreciate it if you could check the content and see whether it connects to the topic and whether i show how my presence will enrich their community...Also, any other suggestions on how i could do that would be great...thanks sooo much...here goes.. :)
Prompt: The University of Wisconsin values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially.
In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
I was raised in the city of Dubai, far away from my native country of India and isolated from all my relatives. Perhaps this unique upbringing created my vigorous imagination as a child - I pictured myself as an astronaut sweeping across the starry skies, as a supermodel whose style and fame takes her past all regulations. What ultimately became my ambition in life began, in fact, when I was six years old. A relative, who is the vice-president of one of the biggest conglomerates in the Middle East, asked me at a formal party what I intended to become when I grew up. I replied cheekily, telling him that while he was merely the vice-president, I planned one day to be the president of a company. Even then, my ambition was to be more than an ordinary businesswoman. With dreams that fly high, I hope to inspire others around me to strengthen themselves in order for them to achieve their goal.
Since the age of 4, I have studied at the Dubai Gem Private School. It is a British school that has allowed me, an Indian, to mingle with a culturally diverse group of people who hail from all corners of the world. It enabled me to understand both different people and different ways of life. The academic atmosphere at Dubai Gem is both rigorous and competitive, and it has taught me the value of sheer persistence and hard work. Beyond the classroom, however, it has given me opportunities to develop as a person. The qualities I have developed at Dubai Gem will allow me to adapt successfully to the demanding routines and diverse lifestyle of the University of Wisconsin, both by being a part of the crowd while standing out from it.
One of my famous character traits is listening. Although people don't put much importance on it, I consider it to be one of my most significant assets. Everybody has a story, and every story makes me wiser and opens my eyes to a new perspective. Our true purposes in the world may not seem obvious, but we can uncover them if we learn to sit quietly and pay attention. As I enter the University of Wisconsin, I'll continue to listen to others, remain open-minded and learn from their experiences. I hope to enrich the lives of others by sharing my story.
You know, the essay reader of universities read hundreds of essay a day. If you do not make them see your point easily, they may read the whole essay briefly and don't pay much attention. It would be better if you show your character at the beginning of the essay.
I wonder "listening" belongs to one of these: life experience, perspective, talent, commitments and/or interest.
It's a good essay, I think..
However, I agree with paircorner, that you'd better showing your character at the beginning of the essay.
Great advice here! Well, like she said, the info is not in order yet. So, when you put it in order, consider answering the prompt question right at the start:
I can make a meaningful contribution to the University of Wisconsin, because I have been shaped by diverse experiences. I was raised in the city of Dubai, far away from my native country of India and isolated from all my relatives. Perhaps this unique upbringing created my vigorous imagination as a child - I pictured myself as an astronaut sweeping across the starry skies, as a supermodel whose style and fame takes her past all regulations.
I like that part (above) a lot, by the way.
You are a good writer. Now, try to keep a common theme throughout the essay. Choose one them and stick to it. That does not mean you can't write about other things (i.e. being a good listener); it just means to group everything together around a common theme, such as the "vigorous imagination." I think that is a powerful theme.
I think the point in any essay is to make your goal clear, you want to answer the question not running away from it. Listening can be accounted as a good family trait, but like they said, it doesn't belong to the category in a very obvious way.
I may agree that it might belong to the interest category, but you need more information to convince the admission officers that this is your hobby, what you like to do.
So, may I suggest you delete the first paragraph and make space to write more about how it's your hobby rather than a family trait.
Hi, have they finished Burj Dubai? I can't wait to see it. I lived in Dubai too.
Heyy...thanks everybodyy for the suggestions...
I will improve it and then post my essay...thanks!!
and angela629, they havent finished burj dubai yet...its still under construction... :)
hello everybody...this is my revised version of the essay...I changed my approach to the topic and tried to emphasize on interests, life experience and commitments...Please tell me if i've improved...Also, could you suggest synonyms for words that are in brackets?? and check if the tense is correct...I am horrible with tenses...Thank you!! :)
PROMPT: The University of Wisconsin values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially.
In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
I strongly believe that knowledge is boundless. I developed this perception as young girl entering high school. I was a keen child interested in gaining knowledge of any kind. As I went further down the lane, I managed to carve particular interests I wanted to focus on. At school, the fields of business and accounting always drew my attention. As I hail from a business oriented family, these subjects ignite within me a passion and a sense of dedication like nothing else. Someday, I hope to run my own company through which I hope to make a difference in the world. However, my interest in the business world is tempered by an awareness of the world outside it.
I got a taste of the outside world when I joined the Duke of Edinburgh program in my freshman year. It is a program through which I sharpened my communication skills and played a part in serving the community. As a member, I participated in several activities, but it was the time I spent interacting with people I consider most valuable. In my sophomore year, my school organized a trip to Malaysia. The first destination on our itinerary was the Angels Children Home. It comprised of a two-story building which sheltered about twenty children. It is at that place where I met Ezra, the girl who instilled (so much) wisdom in me. Her life was filled with extreme transformations; yet, she constantly wore a smile and was thankful for every new day life handed her. It was at that time when I (realized) age is no boundary to learn or teach. Through her story, Ezra reminded me of the importance of living in the moment and not always in some ill-defined future. I came home to appreciate my parents, my friends and everything I ever took for granted. Ever since, I have been committed to visiting as many places and lend an ear to people who need it. Every person I met along the way shaped my perspectives and helped me mature.
Studying in University of Wisconsin, which has a culturally diverse environment, will enable me to understand different people and their ways of life. While learning, I will to contribute to the community by sharing knowledge about my life experiences. I (hope) to spread my passion and fervor for business as a subject and encourage people to eagerly pursue their field of interest. With my care for the community, I wish to make a positive impact on the people I meet. I hope to be the Ezra in every person's life.
