Undergraduate / MIT Admission Essay (1998), world I came from [5]

Essay B Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?

Untitled
1998. It was silent on the street. The sun just went down and the sky was turning form azure to navy blue. Swish, wind began to breeze, trees in the shade alongside the road swaying. The faint streetlights were left alone as few people could be seen. In the distance, a sedan drove quietly pass the intersection while a thin laughing erupted from the neighborhood near the road. Before the Chinese New year, in the freezing January of Canton, we were on our way home.

I stared at my father's back. Sitting on the back of the bicycle, I could experience his heart beat as well as body heat. Breathing heavily, he went up a slope. Whoosh, the things we brought in the grocery clattered as the bicycle went against the wind. I kept my silence, not knowing what to say. It was awkward. Since I was six, this was the first time my father and I spent together.

Before he left, the last time we were on our own was on a ferry, coming back from the adult school he was then attending. Watching the waves of Pearl River with excitement, I didn't care much when he told me he's leaving for a place called MIT. And life didn't change much until I was taken to live with my grandparents because mom left and joined him. In Hohhot, Inner Mongolia, I blushed when being asked where my parents are. During the parent-teacher conference I had to ask my uncle to attend so the teacher wouldn't bring up some awkward questions. From time to time, I had to explain to other kids why I live with my grandparents.

It took me a decade to completely grasp my father's story-the ruthless competition in adult world, and the courage and strength he needed to endure to leave his only child for two years. During the early 90's, a nation-wide tide of "studying abroad" swept China. The enormous population with the very limited job opportunity resulted in the intensely cruel competition. Determined to bring welfare to the family, my father refused to be lagged behind. As a young professor who barely spoke English, he went to adult school, preparing himself with students much younger than he was. Mocked yet undaunted, he applied to study at MIT, fighting against all odds.

He said he faced the greatest dilemma in his life upon knowing his acceptance. Among different paths, he chose the hardest one. Instead of settling down in America and making the whole family immigrants, he returned to his motherland finishing his study. Years after his return, I'm only too happy to see he designed two sports facilities for the Beijing Olympic. All his endeavour and sacrifice finally paid-off.

Years ago, my father gave me a paperweight with a brass seal of MIT embedded onto it. I placed the paperweight in front of the lamp on the desktop as a source of inspiration: it represents the virtue of perseverance my father has demonstrated. Though parting for two years, my father influenced me most by teaching me an ancient faith that has motivated generations of ordinary Chinese to reach beyond oneself: responsibility-not only for oneself, one's family, but also for a society, and the world.

I just finished the essay and the deadline is tomorrow!!!
Please critique me...

I borrowed some of the sentence structure from a powerful essay (too powerful,,too perfect) I read. I'll rephrase those before I submit.

Undergraduate / Last Minute MIT additional essay ("a turning point of my life") [3]

2005 was a turning point of my life. I tried to write this experience as Essay A but only realized that when everyday was a losing cause, I didn't feel as "the end of the world" but straighten up and kept fighting. To give "a more thorough impression", I feel incumbent to present this experience and how it changes my life.

In China, the transition from junior high school to senior high is a standardized entrance examination. Held annually by a certain branch of government, it unilaterally, as well as exclusively, decides which senior high you are going. Because the very inconvenient public traffic , my reasonable choices of senior high schools were very limited: one called No. 47 High School, the other High School Affiliated to South China Normal University. Both near my home, the only difference was that the first one is mediocre while the latter is the best in the province. In contrast with the rumours of bullying and gangs related with No. 47, "HSFZ", as abbreviation in Pinying, has a connotation of extraordinary excellence. For decades, it holds the highest cutting score in the standardized entrance exam. Among a million junior high school students who took the exam each year, "HSFZ" only admits the best 600.

So, they laughed when I said I was going to register "HSFZ" as my first choice and they were being reasonable: I ranked 70 out of 150 in our school but in the history of our junior high, the highest number of students got in "HSFZ" was 24. Three months before the exam, going to "HSFZ" really seemed like mission impossible.

Somehow, I refused to give up and be "realistic". For the first time in my life, I listened carefully during the entire class and started to take notes. Every day, I woke up at 6:50, kept telling myself my goal and the situation. Every day, I went to school trying to reach beyond myself. During the break between classes, when other were relaxing or chattering, I was either sketching on a rough paper trying to solve another geometry problem, or concentrating on the textbook, trying to memorize another poem written in ancient Chinese. In the crucial moments like this, everybody was working hard and all I could do was to work harder. Because PE was part of the entrance exam, I went to the field near my home and practiced sprint every day after school ended at 5:30. Exhausted, I would be home at 7:30 and study for another three hours after dinner.

Three months passed and the final moment came. Chinese literature, math, English, physics, chemistry, politics and PE. According to the philosophy of Confucius and thousands years of tradition, examination was the only way to judge a person good or bad. Through those seven subjects, generations of students presented themselves in terms of a final mark. Now, it was my turn.

In the end, 693, the result of the exam, ranked 14 in my school. Upon learning my acceptance at "HSFZ", I didn't realize I just made a miracle which the principal of my junior high would mention every time during a school assembly. Neither did I know "HSFZ" would change my life forever. There, I would meet the most brilliant minds in the province; I would keep challenging and reaching beyond myself.

Looking back, I learn one thing: whenever there are different paths, always choose the hardest one, the seemingly impossible one.

And that is one of the various reasons I'm now applying MIT.

word count 588

Undergraduate / Submitting in 2 hours: Cornell Architecture Supplement [4]

The Baptism of Architecture

I could never forget the first time riding an airplane. Fourteen years passed but the joy and excitement are still vivid and unfading in my mind. When the plane was about to land, I looked into the landscape of trees, driveways and houses. The scene reminded me of something and I yelled out:

"Mom, we are gonna land on dad's plan!"

Born in an architect family, I have been absorbing architecture since a very young age. Therefore, my interests grow from seeds of the profession and go hand in hand with it.

I absorbed architecture when I caught the sparks of my thoughts and transformed them into reality. As a left-handed kid who never let go of the Lego toys, I spent most of my childhood on those little bricks to fulfill my wildest imagination. I loved creating: castles, spacecrafts, automobiles with six wheels, flying objects, dinosaur-shaped robots, et cetera.

I absorbed architecture when I immersed myself in the rationalism brought by math and physics. When my elementary school teacher forced me to write with my right hand because the Chinese character I wrote was mirror-imaged, I opened my mind to left-brain related activities, among which math and physics appealed to me most. I enjoy the process of problem solving as well as the sensation of simply being challenged. From AP tests to math contests, I care more about the process than the results.

I absorbed architecture when I carried my art kit near a quiet forest and started observational drawing in a sunny afternoon. I have always loved art. I draw using my both hands, depending on which one I found convenient. When practicing still life, I enjoy the process of preparing myself to express my thoughts in an undistorted way. When doing art ad lib, I try to deliver the inspiration in a profound way. It gives me an empowering feeling when people stop in front of my work in the school gallery. To me, art is not simply an interest, it is also a responsibility.

I absorbed architecture when I observed history. Experiencing the journey of mankind, I ask myself the "what if" questions and envision a different path. Through the limited evidences, humanity presents itself in the most approachable way. History gives me the chance to understand people in a deeper sense and a boarder context. It invests me with the cultural literacy to interpret the ever changing world.

I absorbed architecture when I walked in the streets of different cities, pondering the interaction between human and environment. Walking through Canton, Shanghai, Singapore, Tokyo, Kyoto, Kobe, Brisbane, Sydney, Vancouver, Toronto and Seattle, I explored different cultures and experienced how dominant humans are in terms of remolding the environment. I love traveling and this enables me to break the restriction of being localized, thus gaining a better vantage point.

Years passed and I finally came to the realization. The profession of architecture, which I have been absorbing naturally since my childhood, is a spontaneous choice.

last minute advice please