Undergraduate / 'Playing a musical instrument' - significant experiences that have helped define you [2]

When I was in grade school, I always got things done in my way. I shouted at those who didn't follow instructions and convinced the timid that their lack of confidence made them inferior, all while and looking virtuous in front of the adults. In spite of my attitude, I still managed to become an honor student. Yes, that's how I used to be - a bossy, mean but smart girl. Not until I entered High School did all of those unlikable traits of mine gradually changed. In this paragraph, I can't really stike the connection between being rude and being smart. Did your rudeness have any significance on other parts of your life such as your social relationships? I think that would be better stated here.

In High school, I learned not only to get good academic status but also to strive for self knowledge that I believe can be achieved with the help of my daily experiences. This is the time when I asked myself who am I and who I want to be. Those questions have been with me since freshman years that lead me to experience momentous events in my High School life.

I remember when I started High school; my older sister began her College life at Manila. That was when I was left to be the eldest child in the family. As the eldest, bigger responsibilities were given to me such as finishing the household chores, doing the marketing (shopping) and looking after my younger sister I don't think this last part is necessary. At first it was easy for me but it eventually became difficult since I also have responsibilities as a student.

It became even harder when I was elected as a class officer from first year High school up until now, in Senior High. I thought it was just like grade school where class officers rely on teachers for guidance, but it turned out to be the other way around. My classmates as well as my teachers always count on me and they do expected a lot from me especially when there are were competitions within the whole level. I was also chosen to lead different roles whenever there are dramas or plays. There were times when I had to stay late at school because of the rehearsals. When I got home, I still haved to finish my assignments and projects and prepare for another sleepless night. It was really exhausting but this didn't stop me to from learning more and trying new things.

When I was a sophomore, I joined the school's wind ensemble. Playing a musical instrument was no easy! My first year in the band was like hell. It was very hard to cope with the senior members. It took me a lot of practice, perseverance and patience to get used in reading musical notes and to master my chosen instrument. Now that I am able to play well my instrument, I teach the junior members. Our band was able to perform even outside the school - at Malls and even at the Cultural Center of the Philippines during our school's 35th anniversary. These were the best experiences I had as a musician. Being able to showcase my talent was the greatest feeling I ever had.

This essay is a good start, but it needs some work. I noticed that you change your verb tenses a lot. Also, I wasn't really able to understand the impact these experiences had on your life. It would have been good to have had some indication of the change that had taken place. How does mean and smart connect to being a leader? Do you see what I'm trying to get at here? Maybe you should choose one or two experiences that connect in a way to reveal one ultimate change in yourself.

Undergraduate / 'The world of nursing' - one paragraph from my essay [5]

The world of nursing must have a heart. When you have a heart, you will fear of doing harm to others which are nurses should be . I said it because In my experience being a nurse assistant for five years, I have seen other workers or nurses who does not even have a single passion for taking care of a patient. Why did you choose to become a nurse? For security. It is hipocracy (sp?) if I say I did not go further to LVN from nurse assistant for financial security. Yes, it is one of the reasons . But before that, I first learned how to care for human and to value someone else life. Having a heart for people who need and will be needing our hand without expecting something in return is what nursing world is and by that we can still have a better world as what we want it to be.

Like the others, I was confused when you went from heart to financial security. I think you should reduce your use of second person and make this essay more personal.

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

Of course! To improve my writing I read a lot and tried to figure out why and how an author used specific tools to illustrate a point. It helped me to understand what writing tools I should use to present a certain effect on the reader. I also asked others to help me with my essays as well! :)

Writing Feedback / 'rising cities and living in them' - essay [5]

Why do people prefer to live in cities? How should cities be designed?

Every week a millions of people move to live in a city and today about 80 per cent of Earth's population have lived there. Furthermore, a city's population keeps increasing. The reason is that a city gives lots of career opportunities, high incomes and different types of entertainment.

A city has a place for everything. There are a huge number of small but successful firms and many famous and reliable corporations are situated there, to say nothing about diversity of plant facilities. Thus, everyone is able to find a job which corresponds to his or her requirements and gives a stable earning.

It is obvious that good places for work are needed well-qualified specialists. A great deal of universities, institutes and colleges are located in towns and cities. For instance, many students come to my native city because there are many opportunities to study and diplomas received there are recognized all over the world.

After a hard working day citizens can afford visiting theaters, museums, amusement parks or cafes and restaurants. Cities offer entertainments which are fit for everyone.

However all this infrastructure like companies, universities, amusement parks not mention social services, are required regular and reasonable care. Nevertheless, since I was a child my native city has grown considerably, but there has done almost nothing of necessary reconstruction. Although I have some ideas especially for my own town I think the same ways may improve any city. If cities are divided into special area such as town settlements, industrial zones, places for supermarkets and stores, business areas and culture centers it will decrease traffic congestion. Also, if each area are separated from others by means of large park it will make cities cleaner and reduce air pollution.

I think that we can do nothing with rising cities but I believe if a city has a suitable design it will provide more comfortable life for townsmen

I think it was great! I made a few small changes, but like dumi stated, your conclusion should briefly summarize your points in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Lying is always wrong, no matter whether it is a big lie or a white lie [8]

I agree. If this is a for and against essay, you still need to present a side and have your own stance. You need to not only approach the problem from your own views, but anticipate the opposing side's arguments and prove why their particular view is wrong. If you are able to so that, your essay will be much stronger. But overall, it was good! ;)