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'Playing a musical instrument' - significant experiences that have helped define you


keiloves 1 / -  
Aug 9, 2012   #1
Hi guys! please please help me improve my essay *u*
Thanks in advance!

When I was in grade school, I always get things done in my way, shout at those people who can't follow instructions, say directly to the timid ones that having no confidence makes them more inferior, and look virtuous in front of the adults. In spite of being like that, I still managed to become an honor student. Yes, that's how I used to be - a bossy, mean but smart girl. Not until I entered High School, when all of those unlikable traits of mine gradually changed.

In High school, I have learned not only to get good academic status but also to strive for self knowledge which I believe can be achieved with the help of the experiences I face in my daily life. This is the time when I ask myself who am I and who I want to be. Those questions have been with me since freshman years which lead me to experience momentous events in my High School life.

I remember when I started High school; my older sister began her College life at Manila. That was when I was left to be the eldest child in the family. As the eldest, bigger responsibilities are given to me such as finishing the household chores, doing the marketing and looking after my younger sister because both of my parents are working. At first it was easy for me but it eventually became difficult since I also have responsibilities as a student.

It became even harder when I was elected as a class officer from first year High school up until now, in Senior High. I thought it was just like grade school where class officers aren't really that needed as teachers are always there to guide us but it turned out to be the other way around. My classmates as well as my teachers always count on me and they do expect a lot from me especially when there are competitions within the whole level. I was also chosen to lead different roles whenever there are dramas or plays. There were times when I had to stay late at school because of the rehearsals. When I got home, I still have to finish my assignments and projects and prepare for another sleepless night. It was really exhausting but this didn't stop me to learn more and try new things that's why I joined a school organization

When I was a sophomore, I joined the school's wind ensemble. Playing a musical instrument was no easy! My first year in the band was like hell. It was very hard to cope up with the senior member. It took me a lot of practice, perseverance and patience to get used in reading musical notes and to master my chosen instrument. Now that I am able to play well my instrument, I teach the junior members. Our band was able to perform even outside the school - at Malls and even at the Cultural Center of the Philippines during our school's 35th anniversary. These were the best experiences I had as a musician. Being able to showcase my talent was the greatest feeling I ever had.

I still don't have an ending for this, can you suggest one? :D THAAAANKYOUSOMUCH!!!

naijaprincess - / 5  
Aug 9, 2012   #2
When I was in grade school, I always got things done in my way. I shouted at those who didn't follow instructions and convinced the timid that their lack of confidence made them inferior, all while and looking virtuous in front of the adults. In spite of my attitude, I still managed to become an honor student. Yes, that's how I used to be - a bossy, mean but smart girl. Not until I entered High School did all of those unlikable traits of mine gradually changed. In this paragraph, I can't really stike the connection between being rude and being smart. Did your rudeness have any significance on other parts of your life such as your social relationships? I think that would be better stated here.

In High school, I learned not only to get good academic status but also to strive for self knowledge that I believe can be achieved with the help of my daily experiences. This is the time when I asked myself who am I and who I want to be. Those questions have been with me since freshman years that lead me to experience momentous events in my High School life.

I remember when I started High school; my older sister began her College life at Manila. That was when I was left to be the eldest child in the family. As the eldest, bigger responsibilities were given to me such as finishing the household chores, doing the marketing (shopping) and looking after my younger sister I don't think this last part is necessary. At first it was easy for me but it eventually became difficult since I also have responsibilities as a student.

It became even harder when I was elected as a class officer from first year High school up until now, in Senior High. I thought it was just like grade school where class officers rely on teachers for guidance, but it turned out to be the other way around. My classmates as well as my teachers always count on me and they do expected a lot from me especially when there are were competitions within the whole level. I was also chosen to lead different roles whenever there are dramas or plays. There were times when I had to stay late at school because of the rehearsals. When I got home, I still haved to finish my assignments and projects and prepare for another sleepless night. It was really exhausting but this didn't stop me to from learning more and trying new things.

When I was a sophomore, I joined the school's wind ensemble. Playing a musical instrument was no easy! My first year in the band was like hell. It was very hard to cope with the senior members. It took me a lot of practice, perseverance and patience to get used in reading musical notes and to master my chosen instrument. Now that I am able to play well my instrument, I teach the junior members. Our band was able to perform even outside the school - at Malls and even at the Cultural Center of the Philippines during our school's 35th anniversary. These were the best experiences I had as a musician. Being able to showcase my talent was the greatest feeling I ever had.

This essay is a good start, but it needs some work. I noticed that you change your verb tenses a lot. Also, I wasn't really able to understand the impact these experiences had on your life. It would have been good to have had some indication of the change that had taken place. How does mean and smart connect to being a leader? Do you see what I'm trying to get at here? Maybe you should choose one or two experiences that connect in a way to reveal one ultimate change in yourself.


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