Writing Feedback / for IELST...." sports or physical course is importmant "essay [5]

hi teachers
because i will test the IELTS in the March
I already test one ...the score is five...but i need approach the six poit five
could you give me some advise...and help
i will really appreciate
thanks

The situation: Because of the pressure of new students such as business studies, many schools have dropped sport or physical education from the curriculum. How important is sport or PE in a young person's education?

In these years, huge of schools dropped away the sport or physical courses, because they must pay more time to learn business. Actually, this kind of education is so important for a senior student in his entire life. Why? These have some points that we could prove it.

The main idea, when they study sports or others, they could get regular good habit. Not only help body strength, but also more understand our body. For instance, when you go to swimming or climbing, you feel the breath is quickly and you cannot cover it. It will be your weakness in your health. Do more practice and regular activities will be better.

Another point, when you study these younger, it can build up some personality in the group, like don't give up. For example, when you play basketball, your team has the same purpose and you want win the game. The situation is a bad condition. But you cheer up each other and don't give up. It is the best class for young child.

In out life, a lot of super sport's stars begin sport from they young. In our life, some of person talks about his healthy because of the regular sports. The sport or physical education maybe is not so obvious effect, but I think it will be large effort on your life. The consult, the best benefit for students is to balance all subjects.

Writing Feedback / If criminals have punishments that are not severe enough, it may encourage people to commit crimes [7]

hi everyone...
this is my IELTS essay and I really want to improve my writing skill
please help me to check the logic, structure and gramma...
I will very appreciately

subtitle--some people think that criminals should be given longer terms in prison , so as to reduce the crime rate . To extent do you agree or disagree

Now days , the crime happened around our environment more frequently, therefore we do not feel as safe as before, and even our mind have vision the violent occurred to us . As a result , people suggests extent the longer prison's term in order to decline the crime rate by the person who scare to do the bad thing . Perhaps it is helpful to resist some problems, but in my opinion that might not the best solution prevented the crime happening.

Firstly, the severe charge may causes some criminals who have extraordinary character desire to obey rules, such as the creation of the greatest crime's history or record. So it is possible push these people to choose the huger vice committing it then the smaller one, because it provides them more excited. According to this situation, when the law is more serious, the result is not only put the crime rate fall down, but also let the crueler crime happened, maybe.

Furthermore, the criminals also contain young person who do not actually know doing something wrong combined grave consequence. Some of them, might learned the less education, the poor law knowledge or grew up in the complex background making friends who maybe had been in the prison. In the case, the law strictly will be in terms of the human right issue that it depends on the judge how to distinguish.

Overall, better communication in families and schools about doing the right thing and dealing with problems without resorting to crime, would be most helpful. It is also important to educate the criminals before they leave the prison. This is probably the right way cause a decline in the crime rate.

Writing Feedback / We should discuss the balance of the life quality and the powerful tourism [7]

hi everyone
thanks a lot
this essay is for IELTS
please help me to check the gramma and stucture
thanks

International travel is becoming cheaper than before, so more and more countries open their doors. Do the advantages of the increased tourism outweigh the disadvantages?

In the modern generation, with the advanced of technology and the frequency of international business, the travel cost has been more reduce than before. As a result, there are more countries welcome visitors to travel their nation for increasing the income .But tourism might also cause some trouble in messing environment, committed crime, and crowned space. However, I suppose the rising tourism in positive way would bring the amount of benefit and the amazing effect exceed in negative one.

First of all, the stronger economic might built by the visitors whatever the reason is for business and travel. Because the more people from aboard perhaps take extra consumption and trade .For example , around the scenic resort usually have some small craft markets that created by local person who sold the particular souvenir .It is possible the growing tourism might become the one of reasons to put nation turn the rich side.

Furthermore, the tourism would carry into the flashing idea, the innovative skill, and their bright intelligence .It is a powerful stimulates to revolute the social value or the traditional mind in every country .Therefore, some ideas making great invention was created by the interaction of communication.

Above all, it might worth to develop and encourage the travelers coming, even pay more money on the promotion. In the meantime, maybe we should discuss the balance of the life quality and the powerful tourism. Then, our society may get a win-win situation in the industry.

Writing Feedback / How many money was spend on different forms of entertainment over a five - year period. [3]

hi everyone
thanks for everthing
I am not sure the essay is suitable or not ?
beacuse I have no idea how to put the graph....
this is for the IELTS writing Test (1)
however ,if you can , please help me check the gramma and some advice...
thanks a lot

The graph below shows how many was spend on different forms of entertainment over a five - year period.

The graph gives us information that how money was spent on variety of entertainment from 1995 to 2000. At first, the US and the large number of entertainment market in 1995 and 2000, 184 billions and 257 billions respectively, and both over the market in Europe and Asia.

The growth of US was almost triple as much as in Europe and Asia between 1995and 2000.
In the publishing and TV of amusement market, the US had a dramatic increase while the Asia and Europe had a slight rise.
We can see the tree countries in the cinema and video of consumption market there were almost steady by 1995 and 2000.
In Europe the music of market was reduce slightly on 1995 and 2000, compared with Asia and US growing in music's market.
From 1990 to 2000, it is a significant development in entertainment market that people spend in Asia, Europe and US