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Posts by Pirateking
Joined: Aug 27, 2012
Last Post: Sep 16, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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Pirateking   
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / skateboarding - over thousands of hours throughout the years - has shaped me [2]

Around the end of middle school I discovered skateboarding, and would subsequently have to wait till Christmas to get my first skateboard - the long wait would be totally worth it!

I think you should change this sentence a little, specifically the part that says subsequently.

But that is a small gripe, this essay is really good. As a skateboarder myself I can really relate to your essay, it is a very well described experience.

I also like the way that you tied together how skateboarding effected your life in a positive manner. Good job =)
Pirateking   
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I went to a French school' - UC, Where you come from and your world. [3]

It was all beyond the 8-year old that I was

Awkward phrasing, change it to something like it was beyond what my eight year old mind could comprehend.

It popped that comforting bubble a lot of us live in Change to... it impinged on the the comfort zone that a lot of people have developed.

I got a glimpse of the outside world, and was given the key to open all of these doors the United States offers us.

Change to "I caught a glimpse of the a broader a picture of the world, and was given the possibility of accessing all that the US has to offer us."

It needs work, but you have a HUGE advantage in answering this prompt because you a foreign student.
Also you did not mention any "dreams" or "aspirations" that were shaped.
Pirateking   
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my community service hours' - Questbridge National College Match: Essay#1 [NEW]

Questbridge National College Match: Essay#1

Question:Tell us about an experience you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. Why does it interest you, and what does this tell us about you?

I am finally going to get my community service hours to graduate, I thought as I walked towards the Red Cross building, blatantly sticking with its window that was decorated with giant emblem. It was the summer of my junior year and I had nothing to do, besides I promised myself this summer I would get more hours.

I stepped into a classroom with my friend, and was surprised that only eight other kids were in this program with me. The program was called "Exploring Humanitarian Law", a concept I knew nothing about, except maybe the Geneva Conventions which I heard about in history class. As the first class progressed, I realized that a whole set of laws existed for governing how combatants fight during times of war. Like that a soldier cannot dress as a civilian or kill a prisoner of war. It seemed pretty apropos seeing as the whole internet and news was abuzz with the war in Syria, and the warlord Joseph Kony. Interesting topics, but I still maintained a blasï attitude.

Next week the teacher announced we would be having a guest speaker, a pastor who had started an organization for helping get underprivileged girls free from sex trafficking. He started his presentation with pictures of him in Beverly Hills, then his trip progressed to Thailand. Twelve hours ago, he was on the richest place in earth, and now he was in a slum so sordid and filthy it burned to keep his eyes open. A place so poor children were sold by parents, willingly. As I watched him tear up and continue to talk about this one girl he saved from prostitution, an eight year old girl, I began to realize than my problems of getting a new pair of shoes or video game was not that important.

The class went on and I learned more and more about the throes of war; child soldiers, landmine left in innocent villages and sexual abuse. These problems were bigger than me, what could I even do to help? The first step was coming to this program, education and knowledge were the second, and awareness was the final. By even coming here sacrificing a month of my summer break, my instructor said I was doing more than most people.

After that program ended, I felt like the Red Cross had given me more than community service hours. I had gained a comprehensive feel of the Red Cross's mission, and my place in the world. I left the building with a newfound respect for philanthropists, and the knowledge to educate my friends and family members.
Pirateking   
Sep 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Sketching, painting, and drawing have become the vessels; UMCP;self-expression & why? [2]

Sketching, painting, and drawing have become the vessels that carry my perceptions into a physical representation which allows me to acknowledge my emotions, opinions, and characteristics.

Wow almost sounds a bit like grandiloquence, you might want to simplify it a bit.

Otherwise good essay, but maybe you could include a different medium that has nothing to do with art or fashion entirely, to show your many hobbies.
Pirateking   
Sep 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Love or Jealousy paragraph- Is this to harsh? [2]

is stronger because it thieves and festers off the ever-present pillars of Truth and Reality.

Yeah it is too harsh, for just a normal English class this is a little much.
Did you have a bad break up recently? lol

Seriously, it is okay just stop making broad generalizations like
. Just take a look around, every drama and conflict in life is rooted in jealousy. That's why jealousy is stronger; it will always be there to over power love and keep to world spinning at an angle.

Not every conflict is started in jealousy.
Pirateking   
Sep 16, 2012
Scholarship / 'getting that award' - Quest Bridge National College Match: Essay #2 [3]

Qustion :Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

Quest Bridge National College Match: Essay #2
Ninety- two out of one hundred is by no means a perfect score. In fact, most grading systems consider this an A minus. But when I got that grade back on my Algebra II/ Trigonometry Regents, I was the proudest kid in the whole world.

I looked down at my math test with trepidation; another sixty five. "Why do I even try?" I asked myself. I had been bad at math my entire high school life; besides I was more of an English student anyway. I gathered my items and headed out only to be stopped by my math teacher Dr. Fox. He implored me to come to the tutoring sessions, seeing as how the Trigonometry Regents was two months away. I reluctantly agreed and showed up later that afternoon to a sparsely population classroom. I stayed and listened to his lesson for forty five minutes, and after most of the kids had left I stilled remained confused. I expected to go home and just try and use the internet to figure it out. Dr. Fox wanted me to understand. He stayed with me for an extra forty five minutes practiced problem after problem until I could comprehend the topic. I continued going to his tutoring for the next two months, every three days a week. I could feel myself becoming stronger in math, and more importantly I knew Dr. Fox had wanted me to succeed. During the two week break from school Dr. Fox announced he would be coming to school, even though he had no classes to teach. I continued assiduously attended his sessions, when on the final session came I still had two weeks of independent study time. I revised my goals, I would no longer settle for "just passing", I wanted to excel, I would devote all my effort to this goal. I did every possible Trigonometry Regents from the year two thousand to the most recent one. Every day I would devote three hours to my studies.

I waited in the auditorium with my classmates; I knew today was the award ceremony. Bored, I watched many of my peers eager to get up and claim their award, practically jaded by how many awards they received. "Ethan Assing", I heard my name called out and looked at the stage. I had won an award? I looked closely and saw it was for "The most improved Algebra II/ Trigonometry". I walked to the stage and got my award, as I sat back down my friends congratulated me and browsed my award, just as surprised as I. Beaming with pride I walked to the exit, and saw Dr. Fox. Shaking my hand he congratulated me and said he had personally vouched and insisted upon me getting that award. That junior year I had left feeling accomplished, my hard work had paid off, this is my greatest achievement.
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