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Posts by jdem1901
Joined: Oct 29, 2012
Last Post: Nov 4, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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jdem1901   
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'neighbors and schoolmates' - UC Prompt #1 [4]

Prompt: "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

Through my life experiences, I have come to the conclusion that one's future is not predetermined but chosen. Of course there are other factors involved, but blaming destiny or bad luck for any missteps does not work for me. My parents were illegal immigrants that never went passed the elementary school level in their education. I was also raised by a single mother for most of my life, who worked while attending night classes to learn English. Considering our low-income status, the area we lived in was not very pleasant to say the least. In some instances, various families would have to share a one-bedroom apartment. Needless to say, it was not the ideal place to raise a young girl. At a young age, I had already decided that I wanted to leave the place I called home for so many years.

I have had countless neighbors and schoolmates that once dreamt the same thing but gave up. This always baffled me. While some point to the argument that school was just not for them or the lack of support and outside help did it for them, I do not understand why promising students that once had their entire futures in front of them would constrain themselves to the life they once wanted to leave behind. This often pushed me to persevere even more. It drove me to push myself harder and continue to demonstrate that I could in fact accomplish what I desire. I comprehended that there was no mystical curse that impeded the others to fulfill their aspirations, they chose not to. If I worked rigorously and decided I wanted an education and a career, no one could stop me.

The road has not been easy by any means. For a couple of years, my life has consisted of waking up early for school and going to sleep late because of homework. Knowing that many do not have the same drive that I do, I feel it is part of my mission on this earth to help others realize what I realized when I was young, to leave and achieve their dreams. Although I do not necessarily know what specific career I want to pursue yet, I know I want to contribute to my community and help others strive for what they want to do and change their lives rather than conform to it.

Many may think that one person cannot possibly make much of a difference, but if I only make a small change in one person's life I will feel my mission is complete.
jdem1901   
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'boundless opportunities' Why study at Georgetown University? essay [4]

Fix "...of which both the medium and the subject matter are new to me." Even though it probably is just a typo.
Also try and refrain yourself from using Georgetown University too much. After the fist couple of times it is unnecessary. Plus the admissions already know where you are applying to and do not need to be constantly reminded.
jdem1901   
Nov 3, 2012
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for MPH application [3]

Do not restate the question in the beginning. It's unnecessary since they already know what it is. Substitute the so in "education was so emphasized there" with really . Take out "their" in the next sentence, and change it to "and neither did any of my peers." "..to stand you out" take that out. Change till to until since that is the formal word. "I was completely collapsed" take was out.
jdem1901   
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / "The start of a new beginning" - Univ. Of Oregon admission essay [4]

" it feels like to see who will come out on top". does not make sense. revise.
Avoid using the second person POV.
"...out of love with the sport".
"...for the soccer". take that out.
"My dad was sad to see his little girl that he taught everything to give up after twelve years." I think if you take that out it would be clearer.

I rather liked the ending.
jdem1901   
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'progression into the real world' - Rutgers Admission [3]

"We arrived at our house, which looked like castle with an elongated Portuguese influenced verandah ..." that that out.
" A time of forgive and forget..." change to 'to'.
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