Undergraduate / 'My new idea of security' - UC Personal Statement #1 Critique [2]

This is the "Describe Your World" one!

When confronted with the question of what I want my career to be, I would always easily reply "business". But when asked why, I was at a loss. If I wasn't silent, I would simply mutter "I just...want to". Occasionally, I would bring up the fact that my great-grandfather came to the US from the "East meets West" world of Hong Kong in the 1880's to start his own laundry shop in New York, while his children dug their own paths to start restaurants in California. However, as I grew older, I learned that the true quality of this field lies in those whose ambitions exceed the inheritance of a family tradition.

In my younger days, I was a child of the world. Each summer, I would take an adventure to a different part of the globe to experience the culture and the sights. One adventure took me to rural China where I couldn't help but notice the lack of opportunity littering the streets next to the lush business districts. Pitying the people who suffered in such conditions, I told myself that I should feel lucky with what I had. Nothing like this could happen to me in America. After all, this was the land of success.

My idea of security changed in June of 2009. A victim of the worst recession since 1929, my father was laid off after 20 years as an engineer. Distraught and plagued with worry, I spent many nights lying in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering the ways that the life I knew could change if my father couldn't get another job. Determined to help, I sucked up my fears and told my father that I had made a decision. In order to save as much money as possible, I quit violin lessons (and instead taught myself), and other activities that I had enjoyed. I even sought a job at a garage, only to discover that no garage was willing to hire a 14 year old to work on cars, even if he had the knowledge to do so. I still revisit the image of my father sitting at a table late at night, illuminated only by a computer screen, fervently highlighting new job openings in order to get us back on our feet.

And therein lies the answer to the answer I have always looked for. Why do I want to go into business? Simply, I want to make the world a better place and give people hope for a better life. I wanted to prevent the fear that I had of losing my education and beloved activities from happening to other families. My experiences showed me that a strong economy and business form the basis for a successful world. I was already lucky in that my father was one of the fortunate ones who was able to find a job after just a few months, but the same could not be said for the rest of our community. More jobs were lost with fewer people recovering, motivating me to start pursuing my dream in a small way: through community service. I know my dreams in business will not be easy, but it's worth it - if I have the right motivation.

Thank you in advance. Hope all of your Thanksgivings went well!

Undergraduate / 'My musical performance' - UC Personal Statement #2 Critique [3]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Sunday, 2 PM. I found myself backstage with my violin, scheduled to take the stage at the Flint Center for the first performance of the California Youth Symphony's (CYS) 61st season. With the highlight of the program being Mahler's epic 5th Symphony, this was the "performance that put other youth orchestras to shame", as my conductor, Leo Eylar, had called it. After a traditional tuning sequence, we turned our attention to the conductor, and the lone trumpet call beginning Mahler sounded. One, two, three...

For the next 2 hours, I left the world of the stage and entered several others. The outbursts of grief of the first movement symbolized by the mess of notes on the pages became my outbursts, as I sawed away at my strings. The anger and savagery behind the second movement, a companion to the first, becomes mine, as the music becomes increasingly disturbed. As the third movement rolls around, horns begin to sound. With grace notes littering the pages, this ebullient dance of life conjures within me moments of happiness. Dramatically, the horns finish the movement, the winds become silent, and the strings are off on the 4th movement, the Adagietto. With each note I play, my emotions soar, wafted by the beauty and artfulness that personifies the bliss and pain of being in love without using a single word. I felt the power of each individual meld into a chorus of heavenly sound. Suddenly, a single note from the horn calls me back to earth for the 5th movement, the finale. As the last page is flipped, the entire orchestra is playing without reserve, blasting the sense of triumph and radiance that Mahler had intended. Using every last bit of strength it could muster, the orchestra belts out the ending note in unison, and it continues to ring throughout the hall, only to be drowned out immediately by the clapping and cheering of the 1500-people audience. As I was brought back to earth once again, I realized: this was by far the biggest applause we had ever received.

For me, this performance reiterated the reason why I wanted to become a musician the first time I picked up the violin when I was 7. Music has a very peculiar quality of being able to express a larger range of thoughts and emotions than anything else can. It brings people together no matter their differences, and this has been the most rewarding part of being a musician. There is no better feeling than having an audience member come up to you to personally say, "Because of you, I was able to relive the music that I loved and grew up with, but that I never hear anymore. Thank you so much for keeping this magical art alive".

Thank you in advance!