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'My new idea of security' - UC Personal Statement #1 Critique

RawrJjong 2 / 4 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #1
This is the "Describe Your World" one!

When confronted with the question of what I want my career to be, I would always easily reply "business". But when asked why, I was at a loss. If I wasn't silent, I would simply mutter "I just...want to". Occasionally, I would bring up the fact that my great-grandfather came to the US from the "East meets West" world of Hong Kong in the 1880's to start his own laundry shop in New York, while his children dug their own paths to start restaurants in California. However, as I grew older, I learned that the true quality of this field lies in those whose ambitions exceed the inheritance of a family tradition.

In my younger days, I was a child of the world. Each summer, I would take an adventure to a different part of the globe to experience the culture and the sights. One adventure took me to rural China where I couldn't help but notice the lack of opportunity littering the streets next to the lush business districts. Pitying the people who suffered in such conditions, I told myself that I should feel lucky with what I had. Nothing like this could happen to me in America. After all, this was the land of success.

My idea of security changed in June of 2009. A victim of the worst recession since 1929, my father was laid off after 20 years as an engineer. Distraught and plagued with worry, I spent many nights lying in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering the ways that the life I knew could change if my father couldn't get another job. Determined to help, I sucked up my fears and told my father that I had made a decision. In order to save as much money as possible, I quit violin lessons (and instead taught myself), and other activities that I had enjoyed. I even sought a job at a garage, only to discover that no garage was willing to hire a 14 year old to work on cars, even if he had the knowledge to do so. I still revisit the image of my father sitting at a table late at night, illuminated only by a computer screen, fervently highlighting new job openings in order to get us back on our feet.

And therein lies the answer to the answer I have always looked for. Why do I want to go into business? Simply, I want to make the world a better place and give people hope for a better life. I wanted to prevent the fear that I had of losing my education and beloved activities from happening to other families. My experiences showed me that a strong economy and business form the basis for a successful world. I was already lucky in that my father was one of the fortunate ones who was able to find a job after just a few months, but the same could not be said for the rest of our community. More jobs were lost with fewer people recovering, motivating me to start pursuing my dream in a small way: through community service. I know my dreams in business will not be easy, but it's worth it - if I have the right motivation.

Thank you in advance. Hope all of your Thanksgivings went well!
sonyab0627 2 / 3  
Nov 23, 2012   #2
I think it's a good essay, and your point is clear! One comment, I think the sentence in the last paragraph should say "I want to prevent the fear" instead of "I wanted" because it's better tense agreement with the sentence before.

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