Posts by chingchong

chingchong

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / "Words on a page" UC Prompt #1- the world you come from [5]

Hi please read and critique as harshly as possible. I'm not quite sure if this answers the prompt. This is the rough draft but it is due soon so I need to finish it quickly. Please and thank you!

PROMPT#1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"I feel like my life is a story, a book that's being written as a rough draft and waiting to get published. Every life is a different tale and right now I'm living my own novel's words. Will I be remembered? I hope so." Dated February 18, 2007. At 12 years old, I was an old soul. I felt I had this great unexplained purpose in the world and the only way I could fulfill it was to write scribbled words within scrapbook journals I had collected and stashed haphazardly among my shelves.

I lived my life within the realm of happily ever afters. Books were my friends and journals were my confidantes. I collected and kept over a dozen miniature diaries and notebooks and if you flipped through their pages, a montage of words, stories, quotes and pieces of my life would be displayed like little trophies within. I did not let anyone inside my bubble. The world outside my room was almost nonexistent to me; my school friends were just that and I always felt like I never quite fit in with anyone around me, my family included. At this point in my life I was destined to become an old cat lady with no one to keep me company save for a dozen or two cats. December 30, 2007, I wrote, "I just wish every single day I could do something and change my life into something important and worthwhile, but there is nothing real important in my life."

As I grew older I left my worn out journals stacked high on my shelves and instead found others with whom I could connect and share my ideas with aloud. My thoughts transformed into meaningful conversations and for the first time in my life I did not feel so isolated.

I had always assumed I wanted to be a writer when I grew up, but I soon realized writing was just an outlet for all the pent up ideas and thoughts I had stored inside me. Once I was given the opportunity to share these thoughts did I truly understand what my passion in life was. I fell in love with communication, the ability to debate and discuss important real life issues essential to our everyday lives. My desires to share, learn, and communicate my ideas on life and humanity has motivated me to take action in my community and become someone the world can remember. One of the last journal entries I ever wrote stated, "Question reality, there is always an answer." The words I confided in my journals as a child serve as reminders today to not be afraid of what I am truly thinking, after all, true power does not come from words on a page but rather from the beliefs we hold within our hearts.

chingchong

Nov 28, 2012

Undergraduate / "Words on a page" UC Prompt #1- the world you come from [5]

Thank you for your feedback! Do you mean i veer off topic when I talk about my "bubble"? i was unsure whether or not it seemed cohesive. I feel as if I didn't include enough about my world.

chingchong

Nov 29, 2012

Undergraduate / "Words on a page" UC Prompt #1- the world you come from [5]

I rewrote my essay completely and it provides a much different view on the subject, but I'm still not sure if it answers the prompt. Please help!

"I write because it gives me power. It shows who I am on the inside and I don't think you know my inside well enough." Dated February 18, 2007. At 12 years old, I was an old soul. I viewed the world from an objective standpoint and philosophized about human nature. I felt I had this great unexplained purpose in the world that I had yet to fulfill. The only way I could find solace in my musings was through organizing my scattered thoughts into scribbled words within scrapbook journals I had collected and stashed haphazardly among my shelves. The bold and often striking observations I would make about human society became everyday occurrences inside my notes, but that is where they stayed.

I lived my life safely within the realm of happily ever afters. Books were my friends and journals were my confidantes. I collected and kept over a dozen miniature diaries and notebooks and if you flipped through their pages, a montage of words, stories, quotes and pieces of my life would be displayed like little trophies within. The words I etched onto those papers ranged from topics like human materialism to our dependent nature, but I never allowed anyone access to its contents. I was overly protective of the strong opinions I harbored and feared that because I was so young, people would laugh at my "ignorant" views. These views directly represented those insensitivities humanity concealed. December 30, 2007, "Day by day people die. Lives are lost and yet no one knows. People fight, people kill, and people destroy things they know they shouldn't. These things all happen in a matter of seconds and yet we all watch them fly by without noticing a thing." I ached to do something, anything, which would catch the world's attention and just point out the materialistic flaws we hid within our society. I wrote, "I just wish every single day I could do something and change my life into something important and worthwhile."

As I grew older I left my worn out journals stacked high on my shelves and instead found others with whom I could connect and share my ideas with aloud. My thoughts transformed into meaningful conversations and for the first time in my life I felt like I was being heard. My initial fears had been assuaged. I fell in love with this newfound opportunity to communicate and discuss each controversial topic and realized that that had been my dream all along, to have a voice. Now I'm not afraid to stand up and show the world just exactly what I think about its global warming or its senseless wars. Nothing would make me happier in life than to continue fighting for what I believe is right and to fight for the rights of others around the world.

One of the last journal entries I ever wrote stated, "Question reality, there is always an answer." The words I confided in my journals as a 12 year old girl serve as reminders today to not be afraid of what I am truly thinking, after all, true power does not come from words on a page but rather from the beliefs we hold within our hearts.

chingchong

Nov 29, 2012

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement; 'Nice girl. Easygoing. Sweet. Quiet' [7]

Your essay is good and tells a lot about you as a person. The last paragraph seems a bit out of order. Try this.

"It was unbelievable to have no experience in swimming and succeed as a champion. That year I was awarded Most Improved Player, recognizing not only my hard work, but my own personal growth as a person. I gained skills in determination, persistence, and ambition and am no longer the solemn person I used to be. I am simply me."

This is just a suggestion. Good luck!

chingchong

Nov 29, 2012

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1; Anyone who looks around Santa Barbara can see that it's a natural paradise [3]

Your essay is really good, I like your whole nature concept. However you're a bit redundant and repetitive in some of your sentences you might want to revise that. For example:

"never ending trails. The wilderness is neverending"
Also I think you're example of your father is a bit too negative, try a different approach and then also elaborate on your dreams and desires, they want to see how the nature aspect has influenced you specifically.

By the way i love this quote: "the death of a grand tree allows light to reach weak seedlings."
Good luck!

chingchong

Nov 29, 2012

Undergraduate / "silly and awkward roles" UC PROMPT #2; personal quality, talent, etc. - important to you [3]

Please, please, please help, I'm pressed for time and I need to know if I need to change or alter anything in the essay. Also, do you think it tells enough about how it has affected me as a person? Thank you for reading!

Prompt:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

About 10 to 20 students held their breaths as they anxiously pressed up against the doors to the theater. Their extravagant, awkward, heavy clothing spilled onto the floor as they held hands and their eyes connected with one another, sending one last silent "break a leg" before it began. I stood pressed among them, wearing an old aviator cap and a beret stacked on my head, aviator goggles around my neck, and poufy MC Hammer pants that had been stuffed with tissue paper and duct taped to my legs minutes before. As the beginning notes of Guns-n-Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" filtered through the vents, we silently counted to ten Mississippi like practiced, and together we opened the doors and ran screaming into the room, our hands held high and our eyes sparkling.

The beginning of my freshman year, I had been disappointed by the lack of opportunities my high school offered. It was a brand new school and therefore no one really knew what to do. Two months in I had made next to no friends, and my social life consisted of homework and watching movies on YouTube. So when one of my classmates in Biology asked if I wanted to audition for the school play with her, how could I say no?

Fast forward four years and I never would have guessed that Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream" would have made such a huge impact on my life. Despite the fact that I got a small role as Quince, the leader of the comedic relief, I was proud of myself for having the guts to audition in front of my peers and having the dedication and determination to attend every single rehearsal. Nevertheless the play was far from easy. The process was long and arduous and rehearsals would often go late into the night. Our opening date had to be pushed back at least three times. But I never complained. The play gave me the opportunity to meet so many new and interesting people and instead of being the shy and quiet one, I was forced to come out of my shell and act silly and awkward to fulfill my role. Laughter became my new friend.

When it came time for opening night, we were more than ready. The amount of energy and excitement we all contained could be felt in the air around us. It was hard to keep the smile off my face as I performed for the first time ever. Acting has shaped who I am into a more outgoing, risk taking individual who is not afraid to be myself in front of others. Now when I look back on that night, I laugh. I had to have fallen on my butt at least three times throughout the whole play, but that's what made that night even more memorable. Even through all of the blush worthy mishaps in my life, I aim to smile through it all and come out successful in the end.