Undergraduate / Boom Boom. Boom Boom. / What intrigues you? NYU [7]

Actually, the commenter above me is very wrong. The heart does not need directions from the brain. In fact, heart muscle cells placed in a test tube with adequate nutrients will beat rhythmically for an indefinite period of time. (Although, yes, the brain CAN increase or decrease the RATE of heartbeat.)

Also, you might want to replace "boom" with something like "lub dub", which are the official words used to describe the sound of the heartbeat.

And yes, you ought to elaborate some more on how and why it fascinates YOU.

Undergraduate / My name is Sae Buck Lim Won / Note to a roommate [3]

"Aurora also is the name of the sleeping beauty. When concentrated in one thing, I don't like being disturbed and keep hours and hours working on it. And usually, it's not sleeping. I like listening to music and to people talking."

This is a very disjointed sentence. Lacks flow. The reference to Sleeping Beauty is vague --- even though you say "usually it's not sleeping", the sentence in the middle (when concentrated ... working on it") makes the reference very confusing.

You end the first para by referring to changes in density/pattern and passion/peace, and start the second para by saying the name describes you well. You should elaborate on this further because you seem to be describing the sunrays, not yourself.

Perhaps you should cut out on the "now it's your turn" thing and talk more on how you are excited to meet your roommate in the future -- and tons of other people at the college -- and how you hope to mix in with culturally different people. That shows a more outgoing and friendly personality, because you come across as a rather shy girl in this essay.

There are a few grammatical mistakes that you should get corrected by your English teacher. Overall, I think it's a good essay :) Just tweak it here and there and you'll be good to go! :3

Undergraduate / Being a Muslim; Common App/ Personal, local, international concern [3]

Imagine yourself, at the age of seven, sitting in the backseat when a car veers up and corners yours into a side street. Sitting rigid with fear, the driver looks disapprovingly at your father, who struggles to keep a brave smile. After what seems like an eternity, the driver says, "Do you know why there are no K-Marts in Iraq? It's because they only have Targets."

I did not understand at the time why people hated my family just because we were Muslim. I knew that my family worked just as hard as other Americans did, yet we were still victimized. At first, I tried to run away from my "negative" image, but I learned that my personal image (this word is repeated) defines who I am. I am an American who volunteers his time to sort medical supplies to be shipped to Puerto Rico. I am an American who works long into the night in order to excel at my studies. I am a friend that my siblings look up to when they need help with their homework. My character is defined by what I do, not by what others think of me (or something of that sort; since you use "what I do", you should say "not by what ..." to keep the sentence parallel.).

My parents emigrated from the war-torn Sudan twenty years ago. They had to rebuildtheir lives from scratch in a country where many people did not understand or seem to want them. My father would sit in his taxi studying Oracle textbooks in the hopes of finding work as a software developer someday. His hard work and determination earned him a jobas Data-Analyst Administrator at a food service company.

When I look at my parents, I can only see the determination in their eyes to live out the American Dream. Working from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., five days a week, and being on-call, my dad often had to sacrifice his time at home in order to provide for his family. By watching my parents, I learned that I can make a name for myself if I put the effort into it.

Throughout my high school career, I have tried to embody perseverance by becoming the best student that I can be. I joined multiple clubs in order to expand my horizons, and to soak up as much knowledge as I could. In spite of my hectic extracurricular schedule, my hunger for knowledge inside the classroom is not sated. In a way, discrimination has fueled my passion. (How has discrimination fueled your passion? What motivated you exactly?)

I believe that there is more to a person than what they appear to be on the surface. My parents came to America in order to be judged for their actions and not by their religion [parallelism, remember?]. It is my vision to grow up in a society where everyone follows through with this sacred canon. Even though the road ahead is difficult, it is up to me to make the best out of it. My life has been tainted with many forms of prejudice, but the will to prove that I am not the stereotype seen by outsiders keeps me going.

This is a beautiful essay. Being Muslim myself (I'm Pakistani), I can very well imagine what you've gone through. Let's stay strong, yes? :)

I've pointed out the grammatical mistakes, but I really find no real fault with this essay. It's unique, it's sincere and it's moving. You will definitely stand out. Good luck!

Would you please look over my NYU supplement essay? But I request, not demand :3 Only if you'd like! Thank you!

Undergraduate / Color / Stanford Roommate Essay [4]

Dear Future Roommate,
I often link myself with colors, and my letters are often filled with words in different inks. [The beginning is very abrupt. Yes, this is an essay, but you're using a LETTER format. Frankly, if I was your roommate and you'd actually written this letter to me, I'd say: "Wow, no basic introduction? She obviously wrote this for the admission officers, not for me!" Thing is, the officers ARE using it as an essay, but you should stick to the format to make it natural.] Unfortunately, I have no way to do that using Stanford online submission system. ["That"? You mean writing in coloured ink? That's a bit implicit.] Anyway, let's pretend that I'm writing this note in my usual way. [If I read correctly, your "usual way" was writing in coloured ink. That's contradictory, don't you think? Maybe you can try "the usual way".]

- Black: I advise you to always to turn on the light before entering our room. Otherwise, you may get hit by me, since I like to dance in the dark and execute all sorts of weird movements.

- Blue: My favorite color, and surely I'll fill our room with blue. [This is a fragment. Try something like: "I'll probably fill our room with blue, since it is my favourite colour."] You'll see me with packs of blue stuff [this bold part is a bit vague. PACKS of blue stuff? And the word "stuff" is very informal, so try replacing it with "things" or "belongings" or something of that sort.], from stuffed animals to chessboards. Most of these weren't blue originally, but my penchant for this color is so overwhelming that I repainted everything.

- White: (hmm, how can I write in white ink? Anyway, I assume it's possible) [This seems out-of-place; the reference to "ink" is confusing. The two phrases don't blend into each other and it feels rushed. I suggest you take it out.]White is my most unstable color. Oh, don't worry that I'll scribble on your beautiful wall! What I mean is that I rapidly fill plain white pages with words and diagrams. I often write without a definite schedule and plan ["schedule and plan" is sort of wrongly used, it sounds vague. I thought you were referring to your daily routine or something until I read your next sentence. You can try "I often write without a definite flow/theme" or something of that sort.]: One day I may write about a trip to Greece, the next day about where my love for math comes from (in case you're wondering, it comes from a box full of stones).

- Yellow: Upon seeing this color, you may scream: "What? Another Asian stereotype and math craziness?" [Um, I don't really get your point here. Why is yellow supposed to be connected to being Asian and loving math? I'm Asian and I love math, but I never liked yellow, LOL. Try clarifying this or eliminate it altogether.] Don't worry. True, there are times I need to be recluse to solve complicated math problems. But usually, you'll see me doing math with a box full of cards, dices and chess pieces. Is that math at all? Yes, it's the so-called Discrete Mathematics, the one that will help you decide when to bet on casino or how to schedule your hectic life. I enjoy doing such math and always eager to demonstrate my fruits to others, so consider yourself lucky to be my first audience at Stanford. ["First audience" implies you've never showed your "fruits" to others, which contradicts your earlier statement. So add "at Stanford" to imply that she'll be the first audience at university.].

[This is a really nice paragraph, but I don't get why yellow is connected with everything you mentioned here. I can understand black, white and blue, but not yellow. It seems kind of forced.]

Is my life limited in just four colors? I hope not. I'm waiting for your note to intensify the diversity of our room's spectrum. See you in Stanford! [Okay, I LOVE your conclusion. It's natural and ends the letter on a charming note.]

Your introduction is weak, but the conclusion is really great. Perhaps if you improve the intro, you can have a greater impact.
Overall, I think this is a very unique essay. I love your idea of describing yourself in colours, very creative. You are a strong writer; just tweak the essay here and there, and you'll be a stronger candidate as well :) Of course, the corrections I made are my own opinion; you may disagree with them, but I do suggest to let your English teacher read it over; she might be able to verify my suggestions. Good luck, I hope you get in!

Undergraduate / It's mine; Common App/ The creator of Pokemon & his influence [11]

I really like this essay! You come across as an intelligent person, and best of all, your essay doesn't sound fake or forced. You sound genuine! I couldn't really find ANY fault, seriously. I say, go with this ;) Good luck!

Undergraduate / PEOPLE GO FISHING THEIR ENTIRE LIFE; A Community I Belong To- Supplement Essay [4]

I really like this essay! It has suspense and sounds totally genuine. However, I do not get AT ALL how it connects to the prompt -- and I doubt the admissions officers will either. It is short, so I suggest you make it more explanatory; frankly, at the end I was thinking, "What is he/she actually trying to say?"

Also, at the end: "There is a saying..."

Undergraduate / WOMEN WHO DESIRE TO SET PRECEDENTS, CHANGE HISTORY & SUCCEED; U Michigan ; COMMUNITY [5]

In the first paragraph, the letter followed by the semicolon should not be a capital letter.
In the third paragraph, "My community is the women who desire to turn the term..."
In the second last paragraph, "...like several women before me."
Your mention of Bhutto makes me wonder if you're a Pakistani girl. I am too :) Just wondering.
Overall, this is a WONDERFUL essay. Perhaps I relate to you more because I have seen the educational status of women in this country (assuming we are fellow countrywomen, that is), but I think the admissions committee will be able to too. I LOVE your first paragraph; you're a strong writer. Good luck!