Writing Feedback / The Absolutely True Diary of Part Time Indian School Book Essay [Year 9, Australia] [4]

Hello, I have written an essay for my school in South Australia.
I got my score back, and they were:

Content:9
Organisation: 8.5
Language and Style Mechanics: 8

I don't seem to be able to get higher than 8 for Language every time a write essays.
But I don't know why...
Can somebody please mark my essay yourself and criticize the problems in it?
Please give me detailed feedback - my teacher just says "Well Done!"

Some points that may help:

I am from Korea, and is still learning English.
I am in year 9, according to Australian Curriculum.
I have attached the assessment criteria for those who are kind enough to check against them.

Thank you very much!!!

My Essay:

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian is a humours yet insightful book written by Sherman Alexie. The book is about a tale of a hydrocephalic Indian named Arnold Spirit (usually called Junior), living in an impoverished Indian reservation. Due to his medical conditions, he is always the underdog, lowest member of his society. Despite this he keeps his hope, expanding it beyond his hometown and into the wider community. Alexie incorporates many themes, such as poverty, friendship and hope, within Junior's journey, and those ideas are most effectively conveyed with the literary technique of characterisation.

The theme of hope is prevalent throughout the novel, and Alexie conveys this message through the dialog of the characters. Back at Wellpinit, Junior does not realise the situation of the Indians. Mr P, his geometry teacher, tells him that "All [the] kids have given up ... All [Junior's] friends, all the bullies ... We're all defeated." and that "[Junior] won't give up." Junior realises that he is the last person of his tribe who still can live with hope. So he leaves the reservation and enters Reardan High school. There, surrounded by those who have ambitions, he finds his own hope. Later on in the book, one can clearly see that Junior starts to understand this notion of hope and confidence, saying "we were supposed to be happy with our limitations. But there was no way [I was] going to sit still. Nope, [I]wanted to fly." Through all the poverty and violence, Junior had kept his hope alive, and it flourished when he carried forward. This beautiful idea is most powerfully conveyed by Alexie through the characterisation of Junior.

In the novel, Alexie thoroughly explores the idea of poverty and its relationship to self-esteem through the characterisation of the Indians on the reservation. The reservation is extremely disadvantaged, "so poor and sad that [the children] have to study from the same dang books [that their] parents studied from." All Indians, regardless of their gender and age, would have had their hopes and dreams, who "[would have] dreamed about being something other than poor, but ... never got the chance to be anything because nobody paid attention to their dreams." Anyone whose dreams were shattered would have low self-esteem, which is the case for most Indians in the reservation. When Junior leaves the reservation in order to attend to Reardan High (a rich white school outside the reservation) he finds a completely different set of characters, those with privileged backgrounds and high hopes and expectations. Junior finds that he must live up to these expectations, and he too starts to expect more from himself. The change is significant, improving his school grades and athleticism, especially in basketball: He was an average player back at the reservation, because nobody expected anything from him. Now, "[The basketball] Coach and the other players wanted [him] to be good ... They expected [him] to be good. So [he] became good." Clearly, Alexie is suggesting that people's backgrounds and situations can alter their values and desires, thus changing their life. This idea is effectively conveyed through the characterisation of the Indians in the reservation.

Alexie conveys the message of friendship in the book, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian through the characterisation of Rowdy. "Rowdy is the toughest kid on the [reservation]. He is long and lean and strong like a snake." In the poor, violence-riddled community of the reservation, he is the chief bully. However, he shares a strange friendship with Junior. Rowdy is the protector, and "has protected [Junior] since [they] were born." In return, Junior draws cartoons for Rowdy. Although Rowdy is always the tormentor, he loves cartoons and comics. "He likes to pretend that he live inside the comic books," mainly as a way of escaping his drunken, brutal father and his poor family. This unusual, yet finely balanced friendship between Rowdy and Junior is disrupted when Junior leaves the reservation. Rowdy is angry that Junior is abandoning him to suffer alone, and eventually becomes Junior's nemesis. The illustration on page 53 clearly shows the pain, sorrow and anger that Rowdy feels when Junior departs. It depicts Rowdy's face, angry almost to the point of crying, making comments such as "You white lover!" Throughout the novel, he is angry at Junior, but he occasionally has brief, almost friendly conversation with him. This shows that, no matter how much Rowdy wants to hate Junior, he cannot do so - Junior is the only person he can let his guard down. Eventually, Rowdy returns as Junior's best friend, accepting Junior's 'nomadic' way of life and giving himself a person who he can befriend. This notion of friendship caused by hardship is expressed brilliantly by Alexie through the characterisation of Rowdy.

Hardship is everywhere, and is especially the case for the characters in the novel. It destroys people's self-esteem, performance and even well-being. But it can also create friendship and amplifies hope. Sherman Alexie successfully conveys these messages through the characterisation of the people inside the story. A quote from Vince Lombardi Jr. summarises those messages: "The quality of a man's life is in direct proportion to his commitment to excellence, regardless of his chosen field of endeavor [sic]."

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Writing Feedback / Science Competition Essay {BRAVE NEW FOODS} [Category: Year 10] [3]

Hello! This is an essay I wrote for a science competition which seeks innovative and original responses to various topics. The topic I chose was "Science feeding the world". My essay is called BRAVE NEW FOODS. Please have a look!

If you do reply, then please leave your name (or at least a pen-name) in the comment. I will require it for my bibliography :) Thank you!

WARNING: IT IS 1500 WORDS LONG!

"Good evening boys and girls! Welcome to the Centre of World Food Industries!" The Manager's deep voice boomed on the steps of the CoWFI (Centre of World Food Industries).

The author finds this name amusing.
A group of students waited anxiously to finally see where all of the world's foods were being created. As soon as they entered, a blinking hologram sign read: "Feeding all the 12 billion, through Science". The group entered the passage to the left, followed by the shadow of the sun. Sunlight was hindered by the touchscreen windows displaying the recent headlines. The group finally entered the first laboratory, shivering as they passed the air-showers. The room had another hologram sign: "Pure-Chemical Foods".

"It all started by Doctor Nesmeyanov, a Russian scientist who loved black caviar. Mr Nesmeyanov had foreseen the global food crisis, first of which happened in 2007~2008. This crisis caused a world-wide famine in the developing countries of that time. The wheat and corn prices tripled, and rice prices quadrupled." Manger started a lecture which the group knew all too well about. They had a test on it yesterday. "But that was not over. The world reached 7 billion people in 2012, with more than 6 million dying each year due to malnutrition. Population continued to grow, adding 1 billion people onto the dinner table every 15 years or so, until the food silos showed their bottoms by 2050s. The only thing that saved us was science!"

The author remembers the food crisis on the news. He is also afraid of the future, and realises that it is likely that the world will run out of food by 2050. The world will reach about 10 billion by 2050; the fossil fuel productions would also have been decreased dramatically according to M. King Hubbert's Oil Peak theory. Other factors such as global warming and clean water crisis would also make this food crisis "doomsday" quite likely to happen around 2050.

"Back to Doctor Nesmeyanov. He believed that it was possible to create purely chemical foods even before the 21st century. He had no access to the level of chemical understanding we have now, and yet he managed to create black caviars by mixing 4 simple chemicals - 90% water, 7% gel, 2% aroma and 1% colour. He processing them through a churning barrel, creating a purely artificial caviar where he had the complete control over its flavours, colours and taste. He demonstrated to us that everything was possible, and asked the humanity to save the world with science."

The author notes that scientific innovation will be critical to save humanity. Restricting the population or forcing a larger food labour force is irrational. Other attempts such as worldwide vegetarianism and reducing food wastes will work, though it seems realistically impossible. Science is the only option...

"The World had taken his idea deep into the 21st century society, creating thousands of artificial colours, flavours, sugar replacements and preservatives to enhance the food. However, there was a general view at the time that anything artificial was bad. Even healthy or crucial food additives were rejected in a knee-jerk reaction. Only when the food disasters became apparent in the late 2040s did people fully used food additives to our advantage. Now, artificial foods are a crucial part of our life, where we can finally tailor our food to exactly what we want. But let's move on shall we?"

The author is curious about the future of food production while being simultaneously frightened by the idea of chemical foods. He recalls famous cases such as Milk Scandal in 2008, which resulted in more than 290,000 babies falling ill and six dying due to illegal chemical enhancing of diary. He notes with horror that companies worldwide failed to notice illegal chemicals within their products, and use of chemicals in food may have unforeseen implications. And yet these people of the future seemed enthusiastic about chemical foods.

The sign of the next room flashed "S Burger". Though S stood for "shit", but the general public called it "super" due to its popular demand. The group all realised that they were nearing lunch time and were very hungry.

The author finds this disturbing but not surprising.
"Food made out of human faeces was rejected strongly at the start when the concept of recycling was limited merely to plastics and metals. The public found this sterilised protein bundle revolting simply because it was from poo. However, the process makes sure to remove any harmful things, and with the help of additives, it tastes great! Bacteria is a very good source of protein and other nutrients, and are very easy to grow. There are also trillions upon quadrillions of them that we can eat! Also, making the S burger allowed us to literally clean up our own mess." The Manager chuckled at his own joke. "Eventually, these obvious advantages and the threat of hunger made the public accept the S meat. Now, it is one of our cheapest, most tasty meat we have!"

As the Manager left the room, a hungry sigh came from the group. The Manager ignored it. They walked past the Computer Food Wing of the department, which was filled with the low hum of the computers reviewing the possible new sugars for their prices. The building was icy cold, and the group could observe red deterrent lasers surrounding these mainframes.

The author wonders whether the computer models have now overtaken the need to use live animals to test chemicals, a process crucial in almost all types of medical research as of 2014. The current IT technology is not able to provide a proper substitute. For example, human brains are considered to be capable of 2×〖10〗^19calculations per second, while the fastest mainframes (in June 2014) can only go up to 3×〖10〗^16calculations per second. However, with the introduction of quantum computers, it is entirely plausible that computers after 2050 will exceed the human brain's capacity and thus simulate real-life organisms...

The group filed into a large room that definitely was a cafeteria. Their excitement was soon awarded as the tables opened up their compartments to serve everybody's favourite snack - Roach Crunches. The Manager walked up to an empty table and picked up a Crunch.

"Everybody loves the Roach Crunches, right?" Ferocious nodding from the group. "These Crunches were made out of cockroaches, as seen there." The director pointed back at his table, which now displayed a colony of live cockroaches in a glass box. The group was chomping happily at their treats.

The author is not surprised about so-called Roach Crunches. He would like to point out many insect delicacies around the world, and that insects are quite edible. The author is just abhorrent about eating cockroaches.

"Previously, eating of insects were seemed almost unusual! People were always deterred by the yuck-factor. It seems to me that people of the past were very picky and easily spooked."

The author prefers to stay spooked.
"Each of these crunches contain about one cockroach. The way we make them is simple too - we grind these insects, add some flavouring chemicals, some sugar for the taste, and compress. And that's it! Roach Crunches! I hope you made some at home!"

The author suddenly feels the need to throw up.
"Let me go into some detail about these snacks - they are 65% protein, 28% fats, 3% fibre and 1% carbohydrates before we add sugars. They also contain vitamin A and C, though we often add more vitamins as a part of the flavouring. These roaches eat just about anything, so they are easy to grow too. To be fair, I don't know why we sell them as products, but there you go." The Manager popped his snack into his mouth and chewed slowly. The group realised that their trip was about to end, so they forced the tables to churn out more snacks. The result was poorly-grinded roaches, with pieces of limbs still visible. The group was simply hungry for more, and ate as fast as possible.

After a minute or so, the manager directed the now-satisfied group out of the building, and they were back where they started.
"I hope you all learnt something today! I only showed you a fraction of what we do, but at least you have the basic idea. I hope to see some of you back at CoWFI soon! Goodbye and remember, Science is feeding our World!"

The author leaves the future and returns to 2014. He is shocked, afraid yet intrigued by his own simulation about the future of food. He notes the high likelihood of everything mentioned above, which were all based on sound scientific theory. He concludes that the people of the future is definitely more open minded, but finds the results to be rather disturbing. He wonders if science should feed the world if it ends like this... and realises that regardless of his answer, the world will flow towards this direction. Science will feed the world.

NOTE: The "S" burger is currently being debated regarding its legitimacy, with many considering it to be a hoax. However, the science behind it is sound and entirely possible. Therefore, it was used in this article, and any relation to the hoax was not mentioned.