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Posts by grena37
Joined: Mar 3, 2013
Last Post: Mar 10, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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grena37   
Mar 3, 2013
Undergraduate / UCF's Famous "bump in the road" Essay [3]

I've been getting a lot of help on this essay and they always say " you're almost there" I need solid help so I can finally get there.

If there has been an obstacle or "bump in the road" in your personal or academic life, please explain the circumstances.

I heard two muffled crashes and a plea for help. I ran to the bedroom door and swung it open to see ebony legs dangling about a foot high. As my mother gasped for breath, she managed to whisper, "Call 9-1-1" The sight of gorilla hands around my mother's slender neck is a sight that will stay with me indefinitely. This was where it all changed with my father; and just like that, he was out of my life.

When my father was led away among red and blue flashing lights, I was devastated. My past revealed memories of when my father would sit me down to tell me that my mother was an ungrateful woman who wasted all of his money and that he was the one who really loved me. I shook my thoughts and looked over at my mother. This woman was who I would be living alone with now.

My mother was left to make ends meet. She had to pay the bills, working day and night in between several jobs offered at the nursing agency. There were numerous nights my sister and I were left unaccompanied in the house. After my sister finished high school, just about every night, she was nowhere to be seen. I would come home to an abandoned dwelling. Having no motivation to eat or study, I slept the hurt away. Any homework I had could wait until the next day. My mind was not on school.

As months passed, I began to see my mother for the first time. She would come home carrying heavy bags of groceries and exclaim, "Look! I bought your favorite bag of chips!" I accepted them hesitantly. When she finally had a night off and I wasn't busy, she would call me over to cook dinner with her just so we could talk. Sometimes she would ask me how I felt about my dad now that he was gone. There was a time when my voice began to quiver, I sniffled uncontrollably and tears fogged the room. She pulled me toward her and I felt safe. Her selfless actions showed that she loved me way more than I ever knew.

My father brought hate and unconstructive behavior upon our family while my mother fought wars for my sister and I. She ran through thickets of my father's violent bedlam to pave a way for me to fight through abuse. I'm part of a new cycle that takes hold of my own destiny. My mother, though hurt and scarred, was the one who pulled me through these terrible truths and the hardships they brought. My mother continually smothers me with love and still strives for me to have a normal life. It took me years to realize how much she really loved me.
grena37   
Mar 3, 2013
Undergraduate / UCF's Famous "bump in the road" Essay [3]

Thank you for these modifications and suggestions! I will definitely use all of these!

For "As months passed, I began to see my mother for the first time."
my mother didn't begin to stay home more. In fact she stayed home less and less. I will try to clear that up! Thanks!!
grena37   
Mar 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Classes and libraries always deserves much more financial support - two key elements for the quality [3]

Recently, peoplehave started to argue that universities should spend more money on sports and social activities as they usually do on classes and libraries. (give an example of how people would favor sports and social activities than classes and libraries) However, classes and libraries are theessential part of universities that deserves priority in the financial support. (State your reasons why you believe this.)

First of all, by improving the facilities of classes, both the quality of teaching and studying will increase. My university is a good example in this case. A professor who taught Art History shared his experiences with me . Ten years ago, he usually spared a whole day to prepare nearly fifty picture sliders in order to show just two pages content in a book. Now, since all the classes has been equipped with computers and WIFI, he is able to spend more time to work on the content of class and think about how to show an image in different ways in order to help student to understand it comprehensively. Students are also benefited from the great facilities. They now sit in a bright, clean classroom with internet available, water machines , even stores. They can take notes directly on their portable computers and check all the relevant information immediately on the internet, which lead to a high efficient study. (With this paragraph the sentence structure is unclear. Rearranging words in the sentence is something you might consider doing. I think that your ideas are good but they aren't clear. They are just touching the surface of the problem. Be more clear with what you want to say.)

If a university was a human body, the library would be considered the heart of that body. It is easy to understand that we will do as much as we can to keep our heart fresh and vivid(maybe "Alive and well?") . The amount of books, collections andmaterials of the library is closely associate to the academic level of the college. No research program can be done without the support of databases of the library. According to a survey, conducted by China Social Academic Institution in 2009, thirty percent of graduate students in Beijing were willing to apply for the PH.D program of Peking University just because the library of Peking University is considered to be one of the biggestl ibraries in Asia.It contains a great number of English books as well as the most advanced statistic searching system. (This paragraph is very good structurally. It sounds like a totally different writer. Try making the previous paragraph along the same lines as this one. Great job!)

Admittedly , students should practice sports and social activities as much as possible so they can to stay healthy and enlarge their social circle. However, this does not mean that auniversity should distribute more money towards that area . Instead, universitiesshould encourage students to exercise more by organizing various competitions and ball games. Students are more likely to practice their communication skill by arranging different kinds of study groups in the campus. ( It seems like you are trying to find an alternative for the sports and social activities side of the argument but I would leave this paragraph out because it doesn't support your argument.)

To sum up, classes and libraries always deserves much more financial support in university since they are two key elements for the quality and reputation of one university. (This conclusion needs to be longer. Sum up all of your ideas here. It may be tedious but throughout your essay you explain so many different points. Its necessary to have a summary of your ideas at the end so the reader knows your key points.)

Good essay overall, I hope these changes are helpful to you. Keep working on this one and it can be an amazing essay!
grena37   
Mar 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Advertisement isn't the main reason which makes comsumers buy products unneccessarily [9]

This argument maybe true.

(Try not to SAY something is true about the other side of the argument even if it is slightly true because that can invalidate your argument. Instead state the faults of believing that advertisement is the main reason consumers buy products unnecessarily. In doing so, you can state your reasons for your argument which you are missing in this initial paragraph.)

You essay is kind of all over the place. That last sentence was great. Use that sentence in the beginning to make it clear on what your stance is in this argument. Speak less about how advertisement would make a consumer buy the product and support your argument to the fullest. Its getting there just keep working on clearing up your argument.
grena37   
Mar 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Nursing/ It has been always a dream; Unique Characteristics/Why UCF? [2]

UCF Undergraduate Essay Topics:

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF Community?

When I was a sophomore in high school, I watched a documentary hosted by Diane Sawyer about mother and infant mortality rates in developing countries. The documentary went to great lengths explaining how expecting mothers in certain developing countries were not given the best medical care, being the reasons for such high immortality rates. I was traumatized as I watched a local midwife, in a remote country, squeeze and step on the mother's abdomen to push her baby through the birth canal. Diane Sawyer's narrative was instrumental in shaping my young life. I watched the film to its entirety and began to have a lure towards the healthcare industry, especially towards the field of nursing.

My mother was the first of seven children in her family and had assisted many child deliveries. Naturally, I began asking my mother about her midwifery experiences. Her answers were inspirational to my curiosity in this field. My fascination with nursing propelled my mother to include me in the bi-monthly Take-Your-Daughter-to-Work day program at her job. During these events, I would go to work with my mother and watch what she did. My mother works as a nursing assistant who specializes in taking care of senior citizens and children with autism. She had compassion for them and helped them perform everyday tasks they cannot do on their own. As a result of shadowing my mother, I began exposing myself to the healthcare industry by volunteering at the Tiffany Hall Rehabilitation and Nursing Center. My volunteering job consisted of spending time with an elderly woman named Dottie. She thrived to see me and whenever I came she showered me with candies and chocolates. I loved to help her rearrange her pictures and cards and fix her bed for her. I can still hear her stuttering voice say "No, no, no, no put it over there, put it over there."

The horrific scenes of Diane Sawyer's documentary, my mom's midwifery experiences, the trips to Take-Your-Daughter-to-Work day, and my trips to Tiffany Hall were all influential in my decision to becoming a nurse. I want to help people when they can't help themselves and I want to watch life forming before my eyes.

What I will offer to this school is my devotion to learning, my support in new technologies in the healthcare industries, my helping hand in community outreaches, and my passion of nursing. The University of Central Florida (UCF) will be the fuel to my passion of the healthcare industry. This fuel will support my zeal with excellent work study programs, clinical environments, and community outreaches. My passion will turn into a self sustaining fire to successfully completing my nursing degree.

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

The University of Central Florida (UCF) community consists of excellent work study programs for federal aid students who are qualified. As a prospective federal student aid recipient, I plan to invest my time engaging into work studies programs that are relevant to my nursing interests. In addition to work studies, the UCF nursing department has an exceptional community service outreach program, for interested students who want to contribute in the area of healthcare as interns in clinical environments. There are numerous opportunities at UCF that I won't have at any other colleges, such as, going on medical mission trips to disadvantaged countries like the Dominican Republic. It's been a dream of mine to be a part of a worldwide medical revolution and there is no other university I would want to be seen with doing so.
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