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Joined: Aug 5, 2013
Last Post: Oct 28, 2013
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From: United States of America

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Aug 5, 2013
Undergraduate /  I'am from a very small and poor town in Peru; Registered Nursing Program [3]

I really like the essay, but I suggest that you revise it for some grammatical errors.
"To make matters worse I had no car, which made getting to and from, both work and school very difficult however, with the help of the New Jersey Transit I was able to make it everywhere on time"

This sentence would be better like this:
To make matters worse I had no car, which made getting to and from, both work and school, very difficult; however, with the help of the New Jersey Transit I was able to make it everywhere on time

Again, I like the essay, but I found other punctuation errors like this, so revise it and you'll be golden :)
Good Luck!
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Aug 5, 2013
Undergraduate / My fascination with human biology ; INTERNSHIP ESSAY [3]

Hi, so I already got accepted to the Internship at St. Joseph Medical Center, but I have to write an essay for my portfolio. Something seems off about this essay, but I don't have anyone I can call to revise it(I am going to be a senior in high school, if that changes anything). HELP!

ASSIGNMENT - AS AN INTRODUCTION TO YOUR PORTFOLIO, CONVINCE YOUR MENTORS TO ACCEPT YOU INTO YOUR DREAM JOB OR PROGRAM. INCLUDE IN YOUR ESSAY WHAT YOUR HOPE TO LEARN AT SITE AND WHAT KNOWLEDGE AND SKILLS YOU BRING TO YOUR PROGRAM. INCLUDE LONG TERM GOALS AND WAYS IN YOUR COURSEWORK IN SCHOOL, PERSONAL SKILLS, AND CAREER RELATED AND LIFE EXPERIENCES HAVE CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR FUTURE SUCCESS AND IN INTERN.

Introductory Statement
I have been interested in medicine and patients care ever since I was very young. My fascination with human biology and how a human body operates has made me want to gain an experience with medicine, and I would like to further explore medical field by taking part in this internship program.

As an intern at St. Joseph, I can bring various work experiences and skills to the program. I recently volunteered at the Maples of Towson, an elderly home, where I gained an experience with patient care. I interacted with the elderly and frequently took care of them by talking to them and keeping them entertained. Academically, I am cognizant with basic biology, chemistry, and physics, and can put it to use when necessary. Aside from medicine related works, I am also very dedicated and hardworking. I have acquired a perfect attendance record in the past, and I am very punctual.

Being an intern at St. Joseph will be a great experience that will help me expand my knowledge about medicine and gain a better understanding of a medical field. By actually working around patients, doctors, and other medical workers, I can gain an insight on how a hospital operates in a day-to-day basis. I will also be working around other fellow interns, who have similar interests as mine, and they can help me get the social experience of working with peers. Additionally, this internship program will undoubtedly prepare me for my college years and medical school.

Hence working on this internship will give me a better idea of what career in medicine I will want to pursue, as I will be working on various units such as Pathology, ICU, GP, etc. This program will be a great opportunity that will open up many doors for me in the future.
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Sep 9, 2013
Undergraduate / "The whole is greater than the sum of it"; 263 word -myself and diversity! [8]

"The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." ‐ Aristotle
Diversity is one of our core values at the University of Maryland. In order to provide a stellar
education and foster outstanding research, we embrace the intellectual, social and cultural
differences that are integral to the fabric of our community. The strength of the university
is realized through the contributions of every member of our campus. Describe the parts that
add up to the sum of you.

"Describe yourself, Ms. Adhikari", my interviewer at St. Joseph Medical Center asked me.

This was it. The most dreaded question has been asked. I can feel my heart thumping in a dramatic beating inside my neatly ironed dress. I can feel the droplets of sweats forming around my nostrils.

I wrack my brain for a perfect answer. What does she want to hear? Should I tell her that I am punctual? Hardworking? Should I be modest and say that I am just an average teenager?

Except that I am more than average.

I am diverse. My family moved in to America from Nepal when I was thirteen, and with that I brought in many values. I have the courage, enthusiasm, and pride of a Nepali. Whenever I face an arduous situation, instead of shying away, I tackle them relentlessly, like a brave Nepali soldier.

I am passionate. Ever since holding my mother's stethoscope in my tiny hand when I was seven, I have become strangely fascinated with medicine. I borrow and steal and snatch every opportunity to learn more about this incredible subject - even if it it is in the form of reading my mother's alarmingly thick anatomy books.

And I am sure I have a lot of qualities still waiting to be discovered. I just need a nudge in the right direction.

But for now, I smile. I take a deep breath and begin, my voice exhibiting a strong pitch and my sound getting stronger as I speak, "I am diverse..."

This is for UMD, and I NEED to get into that school! Please be brutally honest and tell me what you don't like and make suggestions. I will appreciate it very much.
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Oct 1, 2013
Undergraduate / I hope to lead an academically demanding life; WHY GEORGIA TECH ? [7]

variety of extracurricular activities, and intellectual student body that I was looking for (put comma between and )

Gatech struck me as what?? i know you're struggling with word count, put throw in some good adjective in there!

join organizations such as: Club Math, to meet others that arethrilled (i don't think that thrilled is a good word in here with the beauty of mathematics like i am ; Acts Of Kindness (what does this organization do? you describe all of the clubs but not this? ; the Human Development Organization to tackle problems in the world; the Swim Club to compete for Gatech , and C.H.E.F.S. to continue inventing and sharing recipes.

Overall a good essay, but needs a little work. I know you're tight with word count but there are some errors in grammar and such. Try talking to your english teacher, if you have one

And help me too, haha, if you have time!
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Oct 1, 2013
Undergraduate / I like to think that I'm just here; COMMON APP: Past, Present, and Future [2]

I wouldn't know how to describe myself ((no comma here) in the sense of usual identified traits. When it comes to the way I see myself, I like to think that I'm just here. Here, thinking thoughts that I don't think other's think. I think a lot, I don't know why, but I do. They say our life is best lived forward and best understood when lived backwards. I look back to see moments, and events in my life simply because I want to understand why everything happened the way it did. I have no control now even though I wish I did. I look at what I have now and I see an improvement in my outlook and my perspective on everything.

September 24, 2013. It is 8:13PM on a quiet Tuesday night. My mind is a bundle of knots and ropes. I, along with many aspiring college students are contemplating about their future plans. It is absurd to me that around this age we are pressured to decide what we will be doing for the rest of our lives. I'll be honest; I am not afraid of what the future holds. Frankly, I am not afraid of anything, except for time. I am looking back at my life, and I can't seem to remember half of it. Not even half of half of it. Which saddens me, because time moves so fast even though a second seems so long. It is 8:28PM and I am mentally making a list of the things that I've haven't done, and probably won't have time to do. Things I've haven't said, and probably never will. I don't mean to sound morbid, it's just that at any given moment my journey may reach its destination with no warning, because time is always one step ahead of me.

Early February, 2009. I was in the midst of sleeping until I was unexpectedly woken up by my parents at 4AM to the news of my grandmother's death. I was not in shock, in fact I felt emotionless. Rather than getting ready for school that morning, my brother and I were preparing ourselves for an 8620 miles restless flight. The plane ride was treacherously long, as well as the whole month of February that we stayed in Tra Vinh, Vietnam. For such a hot place that averages 90° year round; Vietnam sure felt cold. Looking back, my grandmother was always by my side, regardless of her ability to speak or walk because she was paralyzed from the waist down. For someone who was incapable of doing many things, she made sure I had everything. I was young. I was insensitive. Not once did I ever tell you that I love you or that I was grateful for everything you've done for me. I am sorry I have never learned to hold on to anyone but myself. Even if I wanted to ask you to stay, the only word that would crawl out of my mouth was goodbye.(I did not thank her for what she had done ... blahblah something like that. don't use you, use her

September, 1999. My 3 year old self is getting ready for her first day of preschool, going with mixed emotions, ranging from excitement to anxiety. Her mind is a bundle of knots and ropes. She, along with many 3 year olds are worried about what's to come, and if they are prepared to begin their journey of independence. To make decisions on their own without the help of their parents. In this moment she is scared of the future, and the unknown, but she knows she has plenty of time before the future arrives.

It is 9:17PM, and I am over thinking again.

I absolutely love the beginning! But ending, i don't know. sounds kind of random b/c after your grandma's death you jump to your preschool. I understand what you're trying to do, but maybe put one or two sentence to make that clear. Anyway, love this essay! it's very creative!
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