Posts by Erikd

Erikd

Sep 17, 2013

Undergraduate / Education approach exactly matches my ambitions; Transfer Reasons/ Colorado College [3]

Hello, I am new to this community - stumbled upon it when searching for essay advice, so I figured I'd see what it has to offer. The essay prompt below is for the Common app. Transfer students.

(Just a disclosure to avoid confusion with the prompt. I am specifically citing Colorado college in this instance, even though the prompt is generalized. I have decided to write college specific essays, in addition to their supplements, to aid more weight to the application. However, if this method seems redundant or repetitive please let me know and I can make it more general.)

Prompt: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.:

A hot gust of air washes over me as I step from the jet. It is damp, wet, the smell of gasoline. I pull my hand-me-down carry on behind me, walking down the long, uninviting corridor to the terminal. Up ahead the honeymoon jabber of a large scantily dressed woman echoes through the tunnel. Eventually we disperse, going our separate ways, wearily disappearing down walkways and stairwells. It is late, maybe around midnight at night at O'Hare - with Italy left thousands of miles behind.

"Sir - are you all right?" a firm voice asks, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I must have been standing in vacant waiting area for some time, for the security officer carried a concerned expression.

"Yes," I reply, taking a deep breath, "yes, I am returning to the conservatory." I tighten my grip on the luggage. I feel like I am going to jail.

All my life I have spent growing in the metropolis, I am proud Chicagoan. Being a "city kid" means rough public schools, a sixth sense of street smarts, and more Jacks, asphalt and street ball than "Cowboys and Indians." I grew up fast, learned of the world even faster, and somewhere along the way acquired a voracious curiosity; ever since it has been my best companion.

Curiosity took me to music school for opera training - no hesitation, no second thoughts, no looking back. Soon I found myself on the other side of the world. Urbania, Italy to be exact, a quintessential Italian village nestled in rolling foothills blanketed with sunflowers as far as the eye can see. Here I realized, between a glass of sensual red wine and a breathtaking view, my interests are not limited to music. I realized, in fact, that I long to study culture; from Roman history to Middle-East politics, Romantic languages to German philosophers - and of course music of the world, all composing the way the world ticks.

However, conservatories of music cannot provide this, nor the atmosphere for such curiosity to thrive. Now I seek a unique community to explore my diverse worldly interests. I strive to be surrounded by motivated individuals from all aspects of life, fostering a creative, passionate and inspirational learning experience. Whether over a discussion of Italian literature, or an analysis of Beethoven's fifth, I yearn for a setting where my own originality can contribute, and bring my distinct ideas to the table.

This is why I wish to transfer to Colorado College; the intensive education approach exactly matches my ambitions. Hours upon hours of adventure spent exploring one topic. Small class sizes with one-on-one relationships with professors. A student body excited about knowledge. But more importantly, it promotes a community of critical thinkers, not afraid to question, debate, and learn, both in and out of the classroom.

I now understand why returning to music school in Chicago fells akin to prison, because my curiosity is stifled. However, at Colorado College my passion for discovering this world will flourish. Through this, I will achieve a holistic understanding of humanity; an understanding that will create, innovate, and change the world.

Thank you for reading, any and all comments/criticisms are welcome and very much appreciated.
(This work is copyrighted, please do not use any text of the essay/the essay itself in your own application)

Erikd

Sep 17, 2013

Undergraduate / Education approach exactly matches my ambitions; Transfer Reasons/ Colorado College [3]

Hi admission2012

Thank you for your feedback, and I am very glad you pointed that out. It is an issue I've been struggling with the whole essay, partly because it is rooted in emotional context. I'll go through and rephrase it to a more neutral connotation. I value your support!

Any additional comments/criticism is always appreciated!

-E.D.

Erikd

Sep 28, 2013

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree? it is essential to have ability to plan and organize(TOEFL) [6]

Great job! I feel you understood the topic well and answered the question directly.

Erikd

Sep 28, 2013

Undergraduate / The battle of mind with seventy five other champions in Worldwide Competition on Microsoft Office [5]

I love the development of ideas you provide, however I agree with the comment above - the phrasing could use a little tweaking. You're almost there!

Good job.

Erikd

Sep 28, 2013

Undergraduate / A Personality in Phases - Colorado College Supplement Essay [3]

Hello, this is the Colorado College supplement essay for prospective transfer students. I am attempting to create an essay that will standout in the masses, so some risky measures were taken. If any of these seem to radical please let me know. Any and all criticism or comments are more than welcome, thank you for reading!

Prompt: How did you learn about Colorado College and why do you wish to attend?
"I'll tell you what your problem is - you go through phases!" Sarah declares, drawing eyes of neighboring customers at the café. "...if only school worked like that, you'd be happy as a clam," my musicianship classmate continues with a twinge of sarcasm.

I chuckle to myself, if only...I think. Through thick cigarette smoke and barking Italian waiters, my thoughts begin to wonder...but, what if it did exist?

"Too bad it doesn't exist," Sarah snaps with a laugh, "you're just interested in too much stuff!" She was never known to have good council. Regardless of her unfavorable opinion, my mind cannot help but entertain the ideas she aroused. A place to learn where my easily captivated spirit can thrive - sounds like my type of adventure.

This remained an idealization until I came upon a unique group of people.

The evening is stifling hot, sweat rolling down backs and sleeves rolled high. The hum of conversation fills the homey apartment. I know no one at the event, save my friend who fervently convinced me to tag along - a Colorado College sophomore. However, despite my foreignness, I have taken an immediate liking to the crowd, and them to me. And as the festivities came to a close, after discussions of international politics, an examination of 21st century feminism, and squabbles over musical intentions of Mozart - I was confident I finally discovered the school for me.

I stumbled upon Colorado College not through a website, a traveling fair, or unrelenting mail, but through its people, becoming my prime reason to attend.

For, reflected in the Colorado College community are principles I strive to embody. Leadership, creativity, inquisitiveness, all qualities highly valued, however rare to find in modern institutions. Many boast robust student bodies, yet hide behind fronts of astronomical standardized test scores or soaring grade point averages, simultaneously stifling the ambitions of rising leaders, discouraging imagination's ingenuity, and subduing the inherent nature of human curiosity. "Book smarts," is the name of the game now, a game denounced by Brazilian educator and philosopher, Paulo Freire, as "Banking Education" - arguing it represses the very individualism secondary education vaunts to produce. A philosophy neither I, nor the community of Colorado College endorses.

I am more than a number on paper. Therefore, I chose casting aside superfluous multiple-choice bubbles, in favor of genuine learning. Not by depositing knowledge tokens for regurgitation, but through the real-world at Colorado College.

Education stretches farther than classrooms; it is omnipresent, every experience yielding insight, insight equating to more than six figure jobs. It is a life adventure, providing maturity, self-discovery, and identity, aspects integral to the human experience. There is no textbook teaching this. It must come from immersion, opening every receptor to learning; no matter when, no matter where. Colorado College's Block Plan represents this method. An academic plan that it not only scholarly, but enriching.

Through an accelerated learning pace, extreme trials are introduced, mandating time management, proper study habits and quick comprehension. At the same time, it fosters stimulating, exciting, and thought-provoking encounters, leaving more than an echo of knowledge, but a permanent footprint.

In the approach, class conversations are more than rehearsals for a test. When discussing a topic, a class takes to the world stage. Limitless conversation provided by the Block Plan permits each perspective to be heard, and every issue examined. Thus, it creates a sophisticated and mature understanding, one capable of playing an equal role alongside leaders of today.

Finally, by limiting professors to a single class, and a teacher-student ratio of ten to one, the Block Plan facilitates student geared learning. As opposed to standard cattle call classes, only with the economic welfare of an institution in mind. Even more importantly, is the bond of teacher and student the Block Plan infuses. A dynamic relationship can be the key to discovering passions, and developing mentors, and creating lifelong friendships.

It is a learning escapade, to the backdrop of the Rocky Mountains - a setting catering to my daring and venturesome instincts. The need to explore and discover is of my core, an unquenchable desire to be bold and adventurous, and Colorado College offers opportunities fueling this drive. Whether it is countless study abroad opportunities, classes on the Baca campus, or ascending Pikes Peak on Block Break, Colorado College is where my ambitious spirit will flourish, regardless of if in the classroom, or on the trail.

As I left the lively apartment onto the dimly lit city streets, my imagination ran wild with what I uncovered. I found myself recalling Sarah's statement long ago at the café. She was wrong - I thought, there is a place for my easily captivated nature to prosper. My heart was bursting with pride. At that moment, I wished to climb the highest rooftop and proclaim to the world: "I am passion, I am inspiration, and I am Colorado College!"

Erikd

Sep 28, 2013

Scholarship / Questbridge Biographical: Literature and My Childhood [7]

Wow, that is a truly well written piece. I love your creativity and word choice. It sure does pack a punch. (I think it is fine how it is, no need to elaborate at the end)

Just one suggestion: I felt it could get a little wordy in beginning, and it is interrupting the flow. You can keep the same type of intense imagery, just present it in a more fluid manner.

Great Job!

Erikd

Sep 28, 2013

Scholarship / Did I smell bad? ; Questbridge/Significant experience, achievement, risk,ethical dilemma [6]

And interesting story indeed, I can relate to similar language barrier conflicts. I especially like the way you used the story to convey the morality of the issue - kept it the reader intrigued until the end.

Erikd

Sep 28, 2013

Undergraduate / The terminal introduction: Cosmos...meet Humanity (Colorado College Intellectual Adventure) [2]

Hello, this is an essay for the transfer application to Colorado College. The prompt is to design your own course that you would imagine taking at the college. Any and all criticism or comment are more than welcome! Thank you for reading.

Prompt: The Block Plan at Colorado College has a tradition of innovation and flexibility. Please design your own three-and-a-half week intellectual adventure and describe what you would do.

The terminal introduction: Cosmos...meet Humanity; a study on humanization of space, and its ontological impacts.

Look up at the stars - a glimmer catches the eye - it is a star, no...it is mars! Actually, it is neither of those. That object suspended in the night sky originates from earth: it is a satellite, one of the thousands occupying space, near earth orbit, to be exact, leaving permanent footprints of civilization. For the past fifty years or so, humanity has indulged its lustful curiosity by taking to the stars. Well, more like pieces of metal, plastic, and computer chips representing humanity. However, as our presence in the vast unknown expands, what type of consequences will arise from human proliferation?

Such issues as:

Objectification - Can countries claim territory or entities in space?
Classism in space - as the utility for space increases, how will is change class structure?
Space-ization - who will represent Earth in the cosmos?
Capitalism - with private space industry strength growing, how will it affect major economic interests and powers?
Militarization - Warfare is now increasingly conducted above the horizon, what types of precautions and deterrence will come into play?

The idea of space has always been present in humanity, it is associated with god, the heavens, afterlife, myths, pop culture, and the list goes on. Considerable credit can be given to the black abyss for shaping human though, and the identity of today. No matter where in the world, gazing at the sky has been a universal image - which formed a universal truth.

Although, what will happen when the human race awakens to different images?

Say, the atmosphere of Mars. What was once universal, will only be one among the vastness eternity, and our shared identity will be shattered. How will humanity reconstruct conceptions of self in the universe, come to terms with our new state of being, and what adapted morality will emerge?

"The Terminal Introduction," is a course designed to answer these key questions. Questions needing answering soon, for greater repercussions then ever fathomed, may lie around the corner. In this class, we will ascertain impacts and solutions to both the pragmatic and existential problems the final frontier possess in our near future. Conduced from a holistic approach, participants will explore everything from physiological effects of space, to Nietzsche, and Chinese space policy, to identity politics - all playing a role in the last introduction - civilization at the universe's doorstep.

This class is not only an item for the resume; it is a think tank for the future of humankind.

Field work:
This class will work in conjunction with the Space Foundation Discovery Center in Colorado Springs. The foundations Pioneering initiative will allow the students real-world access to theorists, scientists, and public figures who are preparing for the future of a space oriented society. Because of the Block Plans flexibility several classes will be conducted from the Discovery Center as we work hand and hand with professionals creating a foundation for healthy national civil space enterprise.

In addition, the class will attend the 30th Space Symposium, an international event pulling global space leaders into one spot, Colorado Springs. This is a fantastic opportunity for the class to fully immerse in discussions of the community. The annual event hails influential frontrunners of many topics covered in class such as governmental agencies, private sector associates, and even NASA representatives. There will be countless opportunities for the curious minds of the class to delve deep into specific subtopics of interest - a full report will be due following the event.

The afternoons of class will be spent in lab, researching in space life simulations. Unfortunately, this has to remain within the bounds of reason; there will not be any anti-gravity rides. Instead, it is a live action approach to the theories studies in class, consisting of debates and societal situations as students assume the roles of leaders to better understand the means to achieving and sustaining a space driven world.

Recommended reading:
PIONEERING: Sustaining U.S. Leadership in Space - G. Ryan Faith
Cosmic Society: Towards a Sociology of the Universe - James Ormod
Crossroads in space: Humanization: Man or machine? - Eric J. Lerner

Erikd

Oct 6, 2013

Undergraduate / A Personality in Phases - Colorado College Supplement Essay [3]

Hi! Thank you for the response - I've changed a few things, I'd love any advice

How did you learn about Colorado College and why do you wish to attend?

It is a stifling hot Friday evening, sweat rolling down backs and sleeves rolled high. The homey apartment carries hums of conversations through its narrow corridors. I sit atop the windowsill, surrounded by strangers in a cordially lit room. For the past hour or so, we have submerged ourselves in conversation, debating everything from Foucault's social theories to clean energy solutions. Whirling around us is an intoxicating aura, imbued with an empowering passion, capable of convincing anyone who dares enter, that they can change the world.

I stumbled upon Colorado College not through a website, or unrelenting mail, but through such people, becoming my prime reason to attend.

For, at Colorado College, the community is more than a collection of superfluous numbers inked on paper. These individuals cannot be categorized, commoditized, or synthesized by a standardized test score, their character is too diverse and their intellect too vast. Rather, this unique community is an alliance of free thinkers, always prepared to ask the tough questions, think out of the box, and defy the impossible. It is enveloped by an atmosphere of inspiration, fostering the ambitions of rising leaders, the ingenuity of imagination, and the curiosity of exploration. Each individual carries an inherent thrill and enthusiasm for learning, the same zeal found in my heart. This is why I wish to attend; I desire to be involved in this intellectual society. Moreover, I feel my distinct perspective of the world can be a valuable contribution to the community of Colorado College, assisting the ambitious minds yearning to leave a beneficial impact on our planet.

Furthermore, I believe education stretches farther than classrooms; it is omnipresent, every experience yielding insight, insight equating to more than a paycheck. It can be a life adventure, providing maturity, self-discovery, and identity, aspects integral to the human experience. There is no textbook teaching this. It must come from immersion, opening every receptor to learning; no matter when, no matter where. Colorado College's Block Plan represents this philosophy, an academic formula which is not only scholarly, but enriching.

I welcome the Block Plan's extreme challenges. Through its accelerated learning pace, it mandates time management, proper study habits and quick comprehension, all aspects vital to growth. At the same time, it stimulates exciting, and thought-provoking encounters, leaving more than an echo of knowledge, but a permanent footprint.

In this approach, class conversations are more than rehearsals for a test. When discussing a topic, a class takes to the world stage. Limitless conversation provided by the Block Plan permits each viewpoint to be heard, and every issue examined. Thus, it creates a sophisticated and mature understanding, one capable of playing an equal role alongside leaders of today.

Additionally, by limiting professors to a single class, and a teacher-student ratio of ten to one, the Block Plan facilitates student geared learning, and a bond between teacher and student. This dynamic relationship can be the key to discovering passions, developing mentors, and creating lifelong friendships.

These concepts, in partnership with distinguished areas of study at Colorado College, render the institution extremely attractive. Specifically, two departments greatly interest me, political science and music. Musically, I look to Colorado College because of its emphasis on the analytical and theoretical realms. After an extensive background of performing compositions, I wish to create my own, and the department's compositional prospects intrigue me. Specifically, I am fascinated with Judaic composition, for it is of my culture, and I would cherish the opportunity to study under Professor Ben-Amots, one of the leading Jewish composers of the time.

Politics runs in my veins, years of a successful career as a policy debater and my own avid activism have crafted a burning passion. At Colorado College, the political science department understands that to truly study a political system, a holistic approach must be taken, covering everything from religion, to economics, to morality. This is because political science is deeper than crunching campaign numbers or waxing poetic jargon; it is about comprehending discourses shaping our society, opening a dialog of the people, for the people, and the relationship of our political identity to others. The latter particularly interests me, and the department's investigative approach to international relations caters to my inquisitive nature. Additionally, the emphasis on independent study and experimental learning opens a door for a multitude of questions and ideas I wish to explore.

It is a learning escapade, to the backdrop of the Rocky Mountains - a setting tailored to my daring and venturesome instincts. The need to explore and discover is of my core, an unquenchable desire to be bold and adventurous, and Colorado College offers divergent opportunities fueling this drive. Whether it is countless study abroad programs, classes on the Baca campus, or ascending Pikes Peak on Block Break, Colorado College is where my ambitious spirit will flourish, regardless of if in the classroom, on the trail, or in an unexpected conversation between strangers, on a stifling hot Friday night.