Undergraduate / The Former Hacker, Information Control; Stanford - "What Matters and Why?" [5]

Thank you all for your relevant feedback.

Gansotonto, I agree. Would using "wrong" create a safer sentence that voids buzzwords? Also, are there any nonessential portions of the essay I could cut or de-word to make room for more reflection?

Mickey, I tried using an anecdote to, through my actions, explain why I believe my topic is important. Both my arduous actions in obtaining hacking skills and the positive effects the information I got access to after obtaining the hacker skills were meant to showcase why access to information is important to me. You make other good points as well; how could I incorporate those with my word limit while retaining the meat of the essay?

Scholarship / 250-word scholarship essay about being a triplet - feedback [6]

"If I'm awarded this scholarship, it would help fund my growth as an individual in college while pursuingepursuing a Biochemistry major."

Overall, the concept and style is good, but you focus too much on the first portion and neglect the latter. Pursuing a Biochemistry major purely to differentiate yourself from your triplet sisters will not earn you the scholarship. Since you have 50 more words to use, try saying more with less in the first portion of the essay, and elaborating more during the second half. Flesh out why you love Biochem beyond the triplets. Even better, display some of your knowledge in the field by making a reference to the biology in relation to childbirth and anatomy.

Undergraduate / 'Eco-Rep or Team Green' - Why Meliora? / U Rochester Supplement' [3]

DeppX
Missing in my ever-better story is just your commendation.

The wording in this sentence is awkward. Perhaps "The only thing missing in my ever-better story is your commendation."

I enjoyed this a lot. I would even go out on a limb and tell you to ignore all non-grammatical advice, as the style and tone of the essay is undeniably original. It doesn't hurt that you write well and show that you have researched the University of Rochester well too. Good job!

Scholarship / 'A cocoon of a caterpillar' ; Vandy Scholarship/Why do you engage in service? [3]

Too much butterfly in the beginning. I was losing interest by the third paragraph. Maybe integrate the story with the metaphor better.

You also have a lot of grammatical errors. If you're running out of time, get it proofread by an English teacher. If you're willing to trust a guy who doesn't have an English degree and only checks this site occasionally, feel free to PM me, and I will try my best.

Undergraduate / I've lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life; UC ( world you come from) [5]

Too many jumbled ideas. Focus on one example: i.e. the poetry should be fleshed out more and reflected upon more in all portions of the essay.

Undergraduate / My dream of becoming an Economist! ; Why Davidson College? [2]

To achieve admission at Davidson, a highly prestigious liberal arts college with a very low acceptance rate, one must both successfully distinguish himself and compellingly describe the school's merits in sufficient detail. Your essay, as I've kindly demonstrated, does none of the above. Please consider extensively revising. We will be more than willing to help you then.

"Why ITT Tech ?

After reading about ITT Tech on the internet, I knew that was just the best place for me. Their academic status, social activities and cultural diversity are some of the major factors I have considered.

ITT Tech is among the best tertiary institutions in the United States of America. The college's economics department is acknowledged by its excellence. Economics is an ever-changing discipline. It captivates me more than any other subject I study. It is therefore my ambition to become an economist and a lawyer as well. To reach my goal, an ITT Tech degree is vital.

As a Martian , I have witnessed some financial and economics setbacks in my country. Mars is endowed with massive natural resources. These resources are however underutilized and unexploited due to corruption, lack of technical knowledge, financial difficulties among other factors. I believe that the most important step in giving back to the society is to help develop our community with the little we have to offer. My topmost dream is to uplift my country by impacting the knowledge I will obtain from ITT Tech .

Cultural diversity is much encouraged in ITT Tech ; it is a global institution that seeks to nurture respect, understanding and a sense of togetherness among students from different backgrounds. At ITT Tech students are free to participate in more than two hundred student organizations. This helps them find their hidden talents and develop these talents.

To make my dream become a reality, I believe that ITT Tech is the perfect place for me."