Research Papers / Inspiration for my first APA Research paper on Alzheimer's! [2]

LexyAnh,

Looking for sources first is a very good idea. However, if the medical research papers that you're finding aren't providing inspiration, I have two suggestions. The first is to look at the psychological literature instead of the medical literature. Psychological research might be simpler to understand and may be more aligned with the topic of human growth and development. My other suggestion is that instead of looking to research papers right away, look for editorials or reviews. These types of articles give a broad description of the entire field and usually contain some insight about what researchers find inspiring.

Writing Feedback / International student from an emerging market economy; course essay [8]

Serg007,

This general management course sounds like an incredible opportunity. I hope you're able to attend!

Your experience and enthusiasm come through in your essay. Sometimes it's a bit difficult for me to tell exactly what you mean. So without more background, it would be hard to give you very detailed advice. But here is a suggested edited for your first two paragraphs, assuming I'm correctly interpreting your meaning:

As an international student from an emerging market economy, I feel I have so much to learn from this general management course, and so much to contribute.

Russian and European business practices both have their strengths. I was forced into this realization when the Russian company where I was a manager was acquired by a European company. I had to adapt quickly. I started to learn English from scratch and encountered many challenges as the manager of a newly bicultural team.

Writing Feedback / International student from an emerging market economy; course essay [8]

Serg,

Duminda's suggestion is a very good one. You should dedicate one paragraph to each of these questions. Try to be as specific as possible. Right now your essay is enthusiast, but reveals few distinguishing personal details.

Also, do you know if this is a highly competitive program? You say that you were "nominated" for it. Does the person who nominated you have any insight into the type of applicants that the program prefers? That would be very valuable information to have. It would allow you to tailor your answers.

Cheers,

Phil

Graduate / Statement of purpose for applying masters in WEB SCIENCE [3]

Girish,

You have a very impressive background! However, I assume that many of the details that you give in this statement of purpose will be apparent elsewhere in your application. The statement of purpose is the place in your application for you to convey the special and unique aspects of your background and character.

For example, you'd have a more compelling personal statement if you did the following:
-Explain why the quote at the beginning is your favorite and how it inspired you to apply to this University. (You never say.)
-Explain how your "spending time on the computer" became such a passion? It seems like you are a person with many interests, so there must be an interesting story here.

-Give more details about the decision to found your own Web company.
-Explain the technical details of your projects in simpler language and with fewer details. You don't know if the person reading your essay will be an expert in this field.

I'll be happy to provide more detailed suggestions on the next draft!

Cheers,

Phil

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should a jury know about previous crime records of a defendant? [6]

Shoinoyatov,

Thanks for posting this interesting essay. I think the reason that you're feeling that your third paragraph is weak is that you're trying to quickly argue both sides of the issue, while the question asks clearly whether you agree or disagree with one point of view. You should make a decision about which approach you can argue most strongly. The structure could be as follows:

Introduction (containing whether you agree or disagree that a jury should be given all past facts).

Arguments supporting your position.

Arguments against the opposite position.

Conclusion.

Cheers,

Phil

Undergraduate / "labor experience" - The ProTrack Engineering Co-op program option! [4]

Andrea,

I recommend that you include more details, both personal and about the program, in your essay. For example, I checked the Florida Tech website and they give a list of partner companies where students have worked. You could choose, say, two of these companies and say how influential they have been in shaping your own interest in engineering. You also say very little about yourself. You don't mention which country you come from, why you love computing, what is attracting you to Florida Tech, etc.

I'm happy to read another draft in which you've included more details.

Cheers,

Phil

Scholarship / CHCI Scholarship; Mexico = Opportunities for the Future [4]

This is a wonderful essay! There is so much personal experience and feeling in it.

I have just a few suggestions. You should put spaces between the paragraphs. Also, the paragraph starting "The news hit me hard ..." gets a bit confusing because you move back and forth between describing your mother's sickness and your memory of Mexico. I suggest you separate these sections. Here's one possible edit:

The news hit me hard when I found out Mom had cancer. I watched her sleep the day away and grow increasingly skinny. For nearly two years, I watched her as she was wheeled in and out of chemotherapy treatments, never losing faith that tomorrow would be a better day. Each time, her smile shone with hope. [NOTE: You should let us know what happened to your mother. You have made us care about her!]

The sight of my mother's decline awoke the memories of my time in Guadalajara. I experienced the same helplessness that the children from my past must have felt. It motivated me to become a pediatrician. In a world where opportunity and success are very much linked to the stability of one's childhood, I aim to make as much of a difference in the lives of impoverished children as my mother's doctors did in mine as they worked tirelessly to save my entire world. I believe good health and peace of mind are sturdy foundations. With this scholarship, I will be one step closer to giving the children I see every day the fighting chance they deserve.