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Posts by sage28
Name: Madison Free
Joined: Dec 9, 2014
Last Post: Dec 28, 2014
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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sage28   
Dec 9, 2014
Undergraduate / Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination - Common App Essay [10]

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
I don't know if my essay answers the question of is a good idea at all. Please help! Any critique is welcomed and appreciated.

Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination. It wasn't an all-inclusive resort in Costa Rica where at least ten workers say "Bless you" every time you sneeze or you would think "I'm quite parched" and miraculously a crisp iced Coke would somehow appear in your hand. It wasn't a trip to Paris where we would shop for hours on the Champ-Elysees and eat beautifully buttered croissants at a café gazing at the Eiffel Tower. No, this summer we were going to Vietnam.

[...]
sage28   
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / I was waiting to fall in love, and my visit to Duke flipped me head-over-heels; supplement essay [5]

Overall, the essay is very well written, but I do have a few revisions. In the first sentence, perhaps exchange "I was waiting to fall in love" with "I was wishing to fall in love" or something of the sort, I don't think waiting is the right verb. In the second sentence, I would replace "it" with "such an idea" because the antecedent it replaces isn't very clear. Instead of "failing to impress in person", I would say "that eventually fell short of my expectations". For the sentence, "That electric air of creativity and passion for learning is something I've found no other school to possess the way Duke does." I would say, The electric air of creativity and the passion for learning is what I've found is unique to Duke and .... something about how Duke is now your dream school. Maybe, "what has made me swoon over the university". Hope this is helpful!
sage28   
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Converting the Obstacles into Fuel for Success [13]

This is a good start, but I feel it needs more focus. Try to chose one event specifically in your life that can get your point across in one coherent anecdote. For this prompt, because it is so broad, your essay must be focused and present a clear image of who you are. Good luck!
sage28   
Dec 15, 2014
Undergraduate / "Peter Pan" - Piece of literature that has inspired you - UVA Supplemental Essay [4]

What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?

Growing up is rough. We find out all of the fantasy characters of our childhood have actually been our parents all along. Our princess castles are replaced with desks and math workbooks. Our wishes to go to Disney World are replaced with wishes to an acceptance to our top choice university. As we grow, we often lose the creativity and ambition we once had as children. My favorite movie has always been Peter Pan.

[...]
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Give me a lever long enough, and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world; Why NWU [3]

This essay has potential, but I think it needs a little work. I wouldn't start off with a quote, its a little cliche, but try to integrate the quote into the first paragraph or sentence. Maybe something like

"Throughout my life I have had a desire to gain knowledge and experience, and I wish to continue this desire at Northwestern, along with all the challenges I may face. I once stumbled upon a quote that I believe truly applies to life, "Give me a lever long enough, and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world." My passion to learn acts as my lever and Northwestern is my fulcrum, without my fulcrum I will not be able to each my full potential and gain incredible success in this world."

I know I changed that up completely, but I think you need to somehow integrate yourself into the quote, Northwestern cannot be the fulcrum as well as the lever.

For the second paragraph, I would say...
"The supercharged academic rigor at NU, and specifically at McCormick College, prompted me to want to become a Wildcat. Apart from the challenging curriculum and cutting-edge research opportunities, what attracts me most about McCormick is the college's distinctive idea of fostering whole-brain engineers.

I am not sure what you are referring to by "mine" in the third sentence, so try to replace the pronoun with whatever it's antecedent is.

For the third sentence after the comma, I would say...

rather than superficially knowing about the world without a true, deep understanding.

Next, I would say...
As I developed an increasing interest in technology (and mathematics?), I began to aspire to have a career in engineering. Therefore, I can see that the Engineering Fist Program offered at McCormick will be extremely rewarding for myself because it will allow me to fulfill my eagerness for knowledge and experiences throughout the next four years of my life.

The next paragraph is a bit unfocused. I would say...
The exciting campus life and deep sense of community at Northwestern is a major reason for my interest. The hundreds of student clubs and activities will enable me to work hard, while playing hard, a balance I find essential. The abundant partnerships with institutions all over the world, bring great opportunities to study abroad, an aspect of Northwestern that I find unique and very appealing. By watching Stephen Colbert's commencement speech, I was deeply moved by the love, passion, and enthusiasm Northwestern students had in their hearts for their school. The high culture at Northwestern and the student's school pride is what unites them all as Wildcats and what has made me fall in love with the university.

I would completely take out the last little paragraph, but instead add on a sentence or two to the last paragraph about how you will use what you like about Northwestern to "move the world" and bring it full circle. I would also delve a little deeper personally, if possible.

Hopefully this is helpful!
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it - MIT ESSAY; BUSY LIFE AND ACTIVITY [7]

The essay you edited it good for the limited word count, but I have rearranged a few sentences to ease the flow of the paragraph, hopes this helps!

I believe life is monotonous. To break life's endless cycle of monotony, I travel, alone. I have traveled to different cities, met new people from each town and village, allowing me to truly experience my country. India is a mosaic of cultures, races and creed that fit together, and truly embraces diversity. Travelling is how I relax, learn and gain perspective. When I travel, I forget about my daily routines and instead have time to reflect and grasp new meaning from my surroundings. Completely immersing myself in diversity, through travel, allows me to change my mindset, and be happy.

This is just my suggestion of how you should edit the essay and still get your point across. Hopefully it is helpful!
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Converting the Obstacles into Fuel for Success [13]

Yes, I feel that would work better. maybe talk about how the divorce has effected you, but try to find one specific event within the divorce or caused by it and then come to a conclusion about how that event changed you as a person. I am also a child of divorce and I know it was made me more independent because my parents both worked and couldn't be there helping me all the time. Maybe take that angle, think of a specific event, and conclude about how the divorce has made you more independent and how that will help you in the future.
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / "Peter Pan" - Piece of literature that has inspired you - UVA Supplemental Essay [4]

Thank you both for your lovely suggestions! I incorporated them both and now here is the new draft

Growing up was rough. I found out the fantasy characters of my childhood were actually my parents all along. My princess castle was replaced with a desk and math workbooks. My wishes to go to Disney World were replaced with wishes for an acceptance to my dream school. In general, as we grow, we often lose the creativity and ambition we once had as children. This price of adulthood is the basis of my favorite movie, Peter Pan.

Peter Pan preaches the importance of growing up, but without losing sight of the dreams you once had. No matter what dream you wish to accomplish, with a little faith, truth and pixie dust, you can succeed. Moreover, as long as you work hard and are determined, your dreams will become your reality. Throughout my years in high school, I have dedicated myself to my studies and advancing my future, without losing sight of what is important. I believe in order to live a full life you must have dedication and determination, but your heart must be full of happiness and youthful playfulness.

The Darling children were swept away to a magical land where growing up was not a problem, because it did not happen. While in Never Land, the Darling children learned independence, leadership and maturity- essentially inadvertently growing up. When the children returned home, Wendy decided she must grow up, but always kept the sense of adventure and imagination she experienced in Never Land in her heart. This lighthearted, yet sensible, mindset has helped me through growing up and eventually becoming a responsible adult. Peter Pan, the boy who never wanted to grow up, was truly the embodiment of an adult that all children, including me, could emulate.
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination - Common App Essay [10]

Thank you for your help! I have revised the essay akin to your comments, but I am still struggling with the final conclusion.

In the summer going into freshman year, I was looking forward to our annual family vacation. Little did I know, this vacation would change my perspective, and come to define some of the values I hold as an adult. Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination. It wasn't an all-inclusive resort in Costa Rica where at least ten workers say "Bless you" every time you sneezed, or when you thought, "I'm quite parched" and miraculously a crisp iced Coke would somehow appear in your hand. It wasn't a trip to Paris, where we would shop for hours on the Champ-Elysees, and eat beautifully buttered croissants at a café while gazing at the Eiffel Tower. No, this summer we were going to Vietnam.

At that time I was self-centered, over-privileged, and fresh out of a prestigious private school. Needless to say, I did not want to go! Why would I want to spend three weeks in a country that does not even have high-speed Wi-Fi? How was I supposed to update every second of my ever-so-exciting life on social media without.. Wi-Fi? My mother must be joking, I thought, there is not a chance she is actually taking us to Vietnam.

During the 24 hour trip from D.C. to Vietnam, my brother and I were envisioning what we would see when we stepped off the plane. "Dirt roads, definitely dirt roads," my brother imagined. "Our hotel is probably just a hut" I added. We were both entirely wrong. Stepping out of the car and into Ho Chi Min City for the first time was breathe-taking. The streets were lined with cafés and high-end shops- Gucci, Prada. Mopeds, each with at least three people on top, buzzed past us on the asphalt, not dirt, roads. Skyscrapers and high-rise office buildings freckled the city. I was astonished, the city resembled a miniature version of New York City, with the odd street market selling whole pigs or buffalo hooves.

Over the course of the three weeks we traveled much of the country, ending our trip in the small village of Chay Lap. During our stay in the quaint town, we lived with a local family, and were quickly introduced to their children, Duc and Hue. While the children took my brother and I around the town, we instantly bonded. The following day we went to Duc and Hue's school to teach English. I sat at the front of a class with fifteen little minds staring at me, eager to learn. "Cow," I said, pointing to a picture of a cow. "Cow," the class repeated. This process continued until the children could have named every animal on Old MacDonald's farm. After the class, Hue ran up and embraced me. "Thank you," she said. My eyes swelled with tears, all I had done was teach her the names of a few animals, but it meant so much to her.

On our last night in Chay Lap, my brother and I played hide and seek with the neighboring children for hours. I was running around a village laughing and smiling, in a country that three weeks prior I knew nothing about; I was happy. Leaving the children and Vietnam was not easy, the next morning was filled with warm embraces and tearful eyes. The trip had a profound impact on my life, and without it I would still be the childish, materialistic person I was before.

Prior to the trip, I had based my happiness on the things I had and was not grateful for the life I was living. Duc and Hue inspired me to be happy just with life itself and cherish every opportunity you are offered. You cannot control the life you were given, but you can control what you do with it. As I grow older, I continue to treasure happiness and humility, not forgetting to smile along the way.
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination - Common App Essay [10]

Thank you for your insight, that is what I thought, but I really wanted to use my experience in Vietnam for my college apps. Do you think, with a few adjustments, I could use this story under this prompt? Or do you think this story could fit the prompt and adequately answers the prompt "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. "?
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / Vietnam seemed to be an atypical summer vacation destination - Common App Essay [10]

i have revised my concluding paragraph to the following:
Prior to the trip, I based my happiness on the things I had and was not grateful for the life I was living. Duc and Hue inspired me simply to be happy with life itself while cherishing every opportunity I was given. I couldn't control the life I was given, but I could control what I did with it. Furthermore, the trip motivated me to begin volunteering with the less fortunate, especially children. Without the trip and the consequent charity work, I would as compassionate or grateful as I am today.

would this fit the adulthood prompt? or could i use the essay for the "background story"?
sage28   
Dec 16, 2014
Undergraduate / "Allowing you to travel on your own is the last sliver of the cake of childhood"; Failed trip to NYC [3]

Any and all critiques are welcomed and appreciated!

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Throughout my entire life, travelling has always been a staple. My parents took me to the sandy beaches of the Galapagos before I could even speak, I saw Big Ben before I could even read a clock and I ziplined through the rainforests of Costa Rica before I weighed enough to make it all the way across. Every summer was filled with road trips across a new foreign country. However, for this past summer, I had another idea.

Though I was well versed in travelling, my parents never allowed me to travel by myself. Every idea I came up with was immediately shot down with, "you're not old enough" or "ask me about that later", which we all know as parent-code for "not going to happen". I was always shocked by my parents hatred of the idea because I had not lived a sheltered life. I would always wander my neighborhood until sundown, and I started watching CSI and Criminal Minds in second grade. After years of badgering, I had finally worn them down with a trip to New York City. "Allowing you to travel on your own is the last sliver of the cake of childhood," my mother had said, "We've tried to keep you our little baby girl for as long as we could." My mother assured me that in order for me to go, I had to arrangements everything myself. I booked a hotel, bought my train tickets and anxiously awaited eating away at the last slice of my childhood cake.

The night before my trip, my bags were all packed but my dreams of freedom and the taste of sweet independence I was going to enjoy, kept me awake. Visions of me strutting down Broadway with my iced latte while every passerby stopped to stare, began a whirlwind of fantasies of what tomorrow would bring. By the time my alarm rang, I had only slept just shy of 15 minutes, but adrenaline and caffeine was running through my veins. With my heart pounding, I hugged my parents goodbye and walked toward the train, the last slice of my cake getting smaller and smaller with each step I took.

"Now arriving at Grand Central Station!" the train's loudspeakers announced. I quickly shuffled off the train, stopped by Starbucks, and promptly arrived at the hotel. "We just need a form of I.D., Ms. Free," the concierge said politely. I opened my purse, but couldn't find my wallet. I poured out everything, lip gloss, mints, and stale m&m's flew across the hotel lobby. My wallet, however, was no where to be found. During my last attempt to keep my sleep deprived body pumped with caffeine, I had forgotten my wallet at the pick-up counter at Starbucks. I immediately ran to the store, but to no avail. My wallet was gone. I was stuck, I couldn't check into the hotel, I had no money to buy any food, and I couldn't call my parents without hearing the words "I told you so".

What I had hope to be my first taste of freedom, ended in failure. I eventually built up the courage to call my parents, who immediately put me back on the next train home. During my measly six hours of independence, however, I became an adult. My attempt to prove my parents wrong was unsuccessful, but I accepted my defeat and kept my head high. I had learned that the independence and freedom I had so hopelessly wished for throughout my teens, was not what I had expected. Being an adult means much more than choosing your own bedtime and having dessert before dinner. Adulthood requires a certain sense of maturity, including the maturity to face your mistakes and learn from them. I may not have fully tasted the freedom full-adulthood provides, but I had tasted the first slice of my cake of adulthood.
sage28   
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / I was born into a global and diverse life - What can NYU offer you? [3]

This essay is extremely rough right now, and I would appreciate any and all help. Thanks!

NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)

From the moment I was born, I was destined to live a global and diverse life, because I was born into one. My mother was born in Mexico, my grandmother was Cuban and grew up next door neighbors to Fidel Castro, and my grandfather was adopted, but born and raised in Liverpool, England. Traveling was a quintessential part of my mother's childhood, so she passed on this gift of cultural experience to my brother and myself. From the natives in the mountains of Machu Picchu to the children I met in Chay Lap, Vietnam, my entire life I have been immersed in the cultures of almost every continent in the world. Through traveling, I have not only learned about other cultures and how different life is outside of the U.S., but also how lucky and grateful I am to live in a country like the United States. I intend to bring this diversity and what I have learned from my travels along with me to NYU.

NYU is a school that offers the immense diversity and culture that I crave. Being in the heart of New York City, I would be surrounded by people from all over the globe, bringing with them their culture and knowledge of the world. NYU would offer me academic rigor and diverse culture, all in a city I've fallen in love with. I am also extremely intrigued by NYU's study abroad program. The amazing cities offered as well as what the experience alone would add to my studies, made me fall head over heels for NYU and the opportunities that the school brings. I would be honored to attend NYU for the next four years and continue to learn and grow.
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