Writing Feedback / Story that affected me most - my TOEFL essay [5]

I am preparing for my Toefl test, and I really need someone to correct my essays. This is my first attempt, please help me to improve it. Thank you so much!

TOPIC: What recent news story has affected you the most? In what way has it affected you?
Use reasons and examples to support your response.

Some days ago, I came across a newspaper, and so read in it a story which inspired me a great deal. It was about a boy who cycled 100 kilometres to Ho Chi Minh City to attend the entrance exam to University.

That boy, called Hung, was from a poor family in Tien Giang (a province in the Southern area of Vietnam). His parents were both farmers, and it was too hard for them to afford their son's desire to study. However, the determined boy did not surrender. Lacking money for transportation, he had to cycle all the way of 100 kilometres from his town to Ho Chi Minh City, carrying nothing but some Tet cake and bottles of mineral water prepared at home. Arriving in the City, Hung could not find any apartment cheap enough to rent, so he spent his first night in the open air in a park. Luckily, earlier in the next morning, a kind man, who was going jogging, saw the poor boy and took him in, even when his family of seven people had to share a tiny apartment of only 20 meters square.

The story really left a great influence on me. I had not ever thought there would be such a hard working student. There are many examples of poor girls and boys who have been struggling to study, certainly, but what impressed me most in this story is Hung's determination. For me, travelling such a long way without a motor vehicle must be impossible; he proved that it is totally possible. Moreover, he could manage to stay alone with little money in a big city like that. I myself spent three days in Ha Noi to attend the entrance exam, and I do not know how I could manage there without the help of my parents. Now I realize that I should learn to be more independent. Someday maybe I will be in a situation like him, alone in a strange city, so trying to stand on my own feet is the only way to 'survive'.

All in all, I greatly appreciate the boy's determination. Indirectly, he taught me a valuable lesson: there are situations in life that are hard to undergo, but nothing is impossible as long as we try to.

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Written by fearistheenemy[i]

Writing Feedback / Work alone or in groups [10]

This is a Toefl essay topic. I tried to write it, but I still feel something not good enough. Please check it for me.

Topic:Some people prefer to work in groups on projects, while other people prefer to work alone. What are the advantages of each, and which do you prefer?

Use details and examples to support your response.

There are ways to work on projects: some people choose to form a group, while others may find it more effective to work individually. I myself think that I am better at completing tasks alone; however, I never underestimate the effects of group working.

In the first place, working in a group is actually advantageous. Initially, members of the group have different thoughts, so they make a variety of good ideas to be done. Moreover, the volume of work can be divided among members, and each person has the chance to choose a task which is most suitable for him. As a result, the whole group needs less time to complete the work. For example, if a group of four were asked to write a biography of a famous figure, information about his private life and his achievement could be found by three of them, while the other one would be responsible for writing as he is best at it. Hence, the effect of the group's work would certainly improve.

However, I often obtain more success through individual working. The first reason is that when working alone, I can choose the time, the tasks and the way I like the work to be done, which gives me much enjoyment. In addition, as I am responsible for every single task of the work, I know it more thoroughly. For instance, if I had to write an essay on environment, it would be me who look for information and write it as well, and so no one else but me could use the information better to write.

I know that cooperation is very important in working, and forming a group is a great idea. However, to me working alone has its attraction, and I have been quite successful with it. I do not mind cooperate with other people, but individual working will still be my first choice.

Writing Feedback / Food Stands Vs Eating at Home = Convenience Vs Quality [8]

I came across this topic and tried writing it. Can you help me check it? Many thanks.

Topic:Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants. Other people prefer to prepare and eat food at home. Which do you prefer?

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Modern time has brought us a wide range of choices for a better life: faster transportation, better services, and much more comfort in every aspect of life. One of the classicals which has changed a lot is our preparation for meals: there are more and more people now choose food stands or restaurants instead of home when having a meal. Despite many undeniable benefits of eating out, I still prefer eating at home.

On the one hand, going to a food stand or a restaurant really sounds a good idea. Firstly, it helps to save time preparing food. Secondly, at food stands of restaurants, there are often special dishes that we can hardly tasted anywhere else, let alone preparing it at home. Lastly, eating out, especially at posh restaurants, is very suitable for formal meetings. For example, if two businessmen met the first time to discuss a contract, for certain they should choose to have a meal at a restaurant, which would make up a formal atmosphere for the meal.

Eating at home, on the other hand, appeals more to me. Initially, it seems cheaper to buy food and cook it ourselves, than to eat at restaurants, where the price is often rather high. Moreover, I feel that eating at home is much safer. There have been rumors about many food poisoning cases at food stands or restaurants, so I think it would be better if we cooked the food ourselves. Most importantly, it is the cosy atmosphere of eating at home that other places cannot have. When friends met, I would visit them to my home for a meal. We would buy food to cook together and then eat together. It would be a great time, and I am sure it would be warmer and more friendly than going to some posh but strange restaurant.

Undoubtedly, it is convenient to have food served at a food stand or a restaurant. However, a meal at home, sitting among dear people that we love, is always what we miss the most when we are away, and is also the old but valuable thing we really need in this modern life.

Writing Feedback / Reasons why people listen to music [7]

I really like this topic, and I thought I would produce a good essay. Ahah, however, it turned out to be quite different, as I really didn't know how to develop the ideas. In the end, I managed to complete, but it is so short, I think. There must be something missing in it, but I don't know how to improve.\

Topic: People listen to music for different reasons and at different times. Why is music important to many people?
Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Music is thought to be the first form of art to be born, and throughout the long history of human, it has proved to play an essential part in our lives. Hardly is there anyone who has never listened to a song. Hence, we all seem to owe many things to music.

Usually, people listen to music to entertain themselves. It is beyond any doubt that after hard working hours, music is the best 'medicine' for our tired brains, as it somewhat helps to eliminate stress and pressure. Maybe that is why music can be played everywhere; everyone, after working and studying, really needs music to refill their power.

A more powerful aspect of music is that it profoundly affects our sensation, or feelings. This can be seen from the roots of kinds of music. Rock music was created mostly to reflect anger, whereas ballads must have come out from romantic love stories, or from a painful heart. So, music is the reflection of our emotions. We listen to music when we are glad of sad, and it both cases, it influenced us. When feeling alone or upset, I only want to listen to my favourite songs and be drowned in it. Music, in this sense, can be a good friend, who gently heals our souls.

It is fair to consider music as 'chicken soup for the soul'. I cannot imagine how our world would go without music. Music, since its birth, has brought to life many real and immortal artistic values.

Essays / Characteristics of a good friend (which friend would you choose) [6]

I am going to write on this topic: "Which friend would you choose: an intelligent friend, a friend with sense of humor, or a reliable friend. Give specific reasons and examples. "

I decided to choose a reliable friend, but I have difficulty in brainstorming. I think I have too few ideas:
- A reliable friend is someone we can tell secrets
- A reliable friend is someone who we can think of when needing help
- Be with this friend, we feel safe
That's what I have at this moment. Please help me to develop it. Thanks a lot.