Scholarship / "We each have the responsibility of leadership and everyone must Strive for excellence" Chevening. [3]

"I responsible from developing ..."

I was responsible from developing to implementing a training and building capacity program. This program is part of (your country name)'s largest and most comprehensive recovery program, managed by UNDP on behalf of the Government of National Unity and the government of country.

"The aim of this training program ..."

The aim of this training program is to provide quality health services by enhancing the skills of medical assistants and health promoters (?) when educating rural communities about the dissemination of health culture in villages. (I don't know really understand the original sentence so I'm not sure if I changed around the meaning of what you were trying to say. If I did change the meaning, disregard this "correction"!)

I wish I could help out more but I don't have the time right now, so here are two sentences I believe can be corrected and written differently!

Undergraduate / READMISSION ESSAY - why did you leave NYU, what were you doing then, how you finish your course now? [7]

Do you think that I should write the readmission essay in an essay format? Or just answer each question in a simple paragraphs?

Undergraduate / READMISSION ESSAY - why did you leave NYU, what were you doing then, how you finish your course now? [7]

Thank you guys so much for the feedback. @justinivy03 I know...I very much regret that I wasted valuable money and time during my time at NYU which is why I don't want to give it up. I made a full draft so lots of constructive criticism and help with editing would be much appreciated. I am still lacking a lot in writing so I will take every single comment into consideration. Thank you!

1st Paragraph
Over the course of my freshman and sophomore year, my life revolved everything but the important investments for my future. I let myself get distracted with my social life. I allowed myself to become lazy and constantly let myself fail as a student. These inexcusable factors resulted in NYU giving me the best thing they could give me, a dismissal, a wake up call. I was given several chances to improve through academic probations but I failed. There was a part of me that definitely wanted to keep on trying and get out of this situation but another part of me wanted to stay in my room and escape the reality of the fact that I was failing as a student and as a person. As I began to fail more and more classes and my GPA plummeted, NYU gave me two chances to improve. NYU gave me two academic probations where I was given the chance to prove to them that I was capable of improving and doing well in school. However, time passed with no change and reality kicked in when I was notified about my dismissal. As a result of my poor grades, I was dismissed from NYU.

2nd paragraph
Shortly after the notification of my dismissal, I began to work at a primary care physician's office as a medical assistant for a little over a year (May 2014 to August 2015). I learned a lot more about the medical field in terms of patient care, confidentiality, and productivity. Working with older people and working in the real world was a big change for me. I was responsible for all my actions and it was important that I gave each patient their undivided attention during their visits because their health mattered and still matters. As November was coming to an end, I was given the opportunity to intern at Project Achieve, a non profit organization part of the largest clinical trials program dedicated to the development and testing preventive HIV vaccines worldwide. As an intern, most of my responsibilities went towards recruiting people for the current clinical trials. I spoke with myriad of people and learned that there are so many people who are willing to do make such impactful contributions to society, by volunteering, by choice. After 8 months of interning at Project Achieve, I realized to make an impactful contribution to society I need to fix my life first. One job that has completely solidified this motivation occurred this past summer.

This past summer, I worked with elementary students as a reading comprehension teacher for a 6-week program. By becoming a teacher, I learned to become a leader and become more confident in myself by learning from my students. They constantly failed at writing a complete sentence, reading words properly, and getting question right but that didn't stop them from correcting their mistakes. Instead of feeling bad about their mistakes, they completely forgot about it, learned from it, and simply moved on. I realized this is something that I should have simply done during my first two years at NYU but I let myself get caught up with the thought, once a failure, always a failure. Also just as my students had so much hope in their souls, my heart began to gain hope. Their hopefulness, simple mindedness, and eagerness to learn, rubbed off on to me and made me want to challenge myself without being saddened about my failures but hopeful with my potentials. Teaching definitely was a catalyst to my registering at BCC. I was given a particular advice from the Ms. Linda Chin, the Asisstant Director of the Office of Student Affairs at NYU Steinhardt, in May 2015; to take college courses to prove to NYU that I am capable of being a successful NYU student. Initially, I disregarded it thinking that this was just a way of telling me to attend another school and not NYU but after teaching over the summer, I realized this was Ms. Linda Chin's way of telling me that I can prove myself to NYU. I thought that just gaining experience after getting dismissed would be enough to prove to NYU that I have changed but now I understand why Linda Chin recommended that I take extra college courses. Throughout the year and a half of no college education, I learned to have a great appreciation for the level of education that I received at NYU and that I took the prestigious education for granted.

3rd Paragraph
Although learning at BCC is so great and refreshing, I still yearn for the level of rigorous education and challenge that NYU offers. Currently while I am taking classes, I am also working two jobs. This has helped me learn to manage my time and use the extra time I have more efficiently. I learned to value the time that I have and not to spend it by watching videos and procrastinating. I've come to an understanding and reflecting of how valuable my time was and is and that I don't want to waste it anymore. Initially I wanted to attend school solely as a part time student so that I may have a sufficient amount of time to be able to study and do well in the two courses I am currently taking however I realized that if I come back to NYU that would not be the case. I would definitely be taking four to five courses along with extra hours for internship, volunteer or work. So I decided to get two jobs in order to fill in more time in my schedule. This has taught me to discipline myself in resisting the tiniest distractions that would become an interference with my goal. I have also begun to read more on the side even with the workload I have for class and the amount of hours I work with my two jobs.

4th paragraph
What I needed during my freshman and sophomore year was for someone to widen out the tunnel vision that I had of my life. How I was living my life limited me from gaining precious knowledge, growing as an student, and becoming a responsible adult. I am confident in myself on how much I have improved as a student and as a person and I hope that NYU will be confident in me as a student and person as well.

Scholarship / Optimisation of the supply chain activities. Goal and study plan - KGSP, Phd studies [6]

Just to help you with the first sentence, maybe you can change the sentence around like this "During my studies, I always wondered the difficultly level a the supply chain management and how to succeed the optimisation (<< I'm not sure what word you are trying to get at) of a supply chain activity." I think you need to write more specific things like why YOU as an individual want to pursue this study. Was there a part of your life that made you realize this is your passion? Why? What was it? How do you plan to do that? Your answer is pretty vague for the first question.

There are lots of grammatical, punctuation, and capitalization errors. Make sure to read over the sentences out loud and check to see if it makes sense. The basis of any essay is to make sure that there are no simple mistakes like grammar and spelling.

Undergraduate / Specify your reasons for transferring and goals you hope to reach; Common App Statement [3]

@Holt
I don't know if you know but I am required to transfer from a community college regardless of my graduating from a community college. Community college students, if not all, graduate with an Associates first and then transfer to a 4 year university to get their Bachelors.

My reason for transferring is because I want to pursue Biology or Biochemistry and that is because of my desire to go into the pre-medicine track at a 4-year university since 2-year colleges don't offer that. 4 year universities have upper level science courses that 2 year universities don't offer. And to go to medical school, you need a Bachelors. Some schools have Biochemistry and some don't which was why I was not able to specify which major I specifically wanted to go into, since some schools I'm going for Biology and others, Biochemistry. The curriculums are very similar in many schools.

But I see what you mean with my discussing of my background more than what I want to achieve. Thank you for that feedback. I'll definitely have to work on that!