Undergraduate / American way of life - UC prompt 1 personal statement - My dream school is UC Berkeley! [10]

I feel that the "change" upon reading Harry Potter is not concrete. Give me a specific example of how you decided to become a leader, a magician , a friend, a new person and truly change. The focus is too heavy on the image of sadness that it somewhat overshadows the strength of transformation.

But apart from that, I think the imagery and expressions are well crafted. Clearly you have taken writing to heart.

Undergraduate / 'lucky to be introduced to computers' - UC Prompt 1 - Transfer Essay and Prompt 2 - Computer Science [8]

The "I am still lucky to be introduced" can be edited to "I was lucky enough to be introduced", as it makes you sound more appreciative and more natural.

I'm not sure about all the rhetorical questions. Is what I felt passion? Clearly, we don't know. Finding the words to describe it can make it more compelling. There are similar questions that can also be changed. The reader wants answers , your discovery to your question, not the question alone.

Undergraduate / "aha!" moment - Intended Major: Biology - UC Transfer Prompt 1 [5]

The progression of the first two paragraphs can be improved. It does not truly illustrate WHY you like biology. If I were to summarize, it is : I wanted to see the body in more detail. Give an example, what precisely was interesting. Condense and make it more concrete. ESTABLISH biology in your life here. For example, "I could not comprehend the arterial pathways involved as they performed that bypass. How? I questioned the flow and pressure of the blood. Where did it lead? But I was disappointingly given a blank, as I the camera did not cover it..." would show how the cameras and the tv show were limiting.

The final paragraph can also be reworded. I'm not completely sure of the rhetorical purpose of "aha". Unless you as trying to convey naive fascination / youthful innocence, a word that better fits the atmosphere of essay could be selected.

Additionally, here you can reestablish that confidence in your path. Biology did not "seem". Biology "is". I think that you can establish your confidence , even bordering arrogance, as it would show determination and finish strong. They need to know, this is someone who knows what he/she is doing.

Overall though, I think it's a good essay. The overall structure and progression were strong, displaying consistency.

Undergraduate / "aha!" moment - Intended Major: Biology - UC Transfer Prompt 1 [5]

Yes, I think defining is a much more apt word. It fits the overall tone of the essay and demonstrates that you have clarity in what you seek to achieve.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (PROMPT #1: Your Application would be incomplete without this X thing) [3]

I really liked the development and personality contained within the essay . While emphasizing how basketball isn't for you is important, perhaps you could direct some of that to an ending where you describe what you are doing now with more description. Perhaps the elation of debate. An image of you continuing to work hard, only in a new direction . You want to prove your final statement, not just tell it.

Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

A minor issue is consistency/parallel structure. If you term undergraduate " under-grad" at one point, don't switch to undergraduation at another point.

Another issue is the cliches. You might want to look for another way to express your desire to cure world Hunger and disease. As you are pursuing an alternative path (public health worker) you might want to expand on that final statement.

I also noted that you go back to your professors extensively. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not. Personally, I would prefer to see more "you" as in who you are.