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Posts by pacifyxer
Name: Not Applicable
Joined: Aug 24, 2016
Last Post: Nov 22, 2016
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: Canada
School: CMS

Displayed posts: 5
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pacifyxer   
Aug 24, 2016
Scholarship / Effective communication, harmonized networking means fruitful achievements. Chevening Scholars essay [3]

harmonized networking can meets => harmonized networking can meet

House bound person is not my taste and thus I prefer to play ???? in a team and build substantial intimate relationships with others => I have an extroverted personality and thus prefer to work in a team and build substantial, intimate relationships with others rather than stay housebound.

I am interested in hiking and therefore I joined the Myanmar M ountaineering and H iking group while I was still a bachelor student. At first, I was strange with everyone but not last long. The alliance network made me familiar to all. I am very proud to be one of (...) Tar ZI Snow mountain in ________(insert place) .

After graduation, I was employed at a private pharmacy store whereasI helped serve patients ofdifferent family influences and cultural diversity and different family influences . Because of theThere were instances where the folk belief that was derived from psychological and social factors ,influenced some of the patients to refuse to undergo the requiredthe prescribed medication.

Good luck at Chevening!

NOTE: This is my first time doing this and I don't know how well all the HTML codes work, and whether or not I used them correctly, so I didn't do the whole article because I didn't know how it would turn out. I hope this helps and doesn't look all too ridiculous--although I'm sure it probably does. Nice article.

blue is my replacements
pacifyxer   
Aug 25, 2016
Scholarship / UWC scholarship : Describe a challenge and how you overcame and its impacts [3]

NOTE: It says not to copy-paste the whole thing, but I don't know how else to do this, so here we go.
It was nearly 3pm but the heat still lingered [...] without knowing how to get out.
Honestly, while your intro is nice writing--for, say, a fictional short story, it simply doesn't work for the goal at hand. It's far too similar to a winding road; metaphorical, foreshadow-y, and tries to twist you on a journey. Not to say it's not nice--it is, just not for this.

My long-lived passion (...) it as my major in high school. I passed the entrance exam successfully with the highest score in my new class. I

... my decision until one day, when the rehearsal for the welcome party took place. I'm sorry, what? I don't really understand here. Is the rehearsal for some form of play or something? Try to make this a little more accessible and easily understandable. Enthusiastic as I might have been in the beginning, it all ...

One,T wo lines and they started to giggle. SomeM alicious comments resounded togethermixed with the louder giggles caused me to stop abruptly. I bitterly realized what they were laughing at and [never before did I feel so embarrassed] => [never before had I felt so embarrassed]. I stormed out of the room, leaving behind all the laughter and shouts . The embarrassment has clung on to me all the time ever since. [Although everyone was kind enough not to repeat about that rehearsal, I could still hear the mock behind my back when I passed some talkative girls] => [Although everyone was kind enough not to bring up that rehearsal, I could forever hear the more talkative girls mock me behind my back.] The inferiority even worsened when it dawned ...

My mind was always filled with feeling of inferiority and jealousy and inaquedancy . Why was I born with no talents? Why w as God so unfair to me? Those ideas haunted me no matter how hard I tried to remove them. That period was so horrible whenthat I came to class every day feeling so useless and desperate.

In order to ignoreprotest thos e feelings that tortured me, I decided ...
At first it was just a makeshift replacement , however,but then it turned out to be mya soundest decision so far.

It was true happiness when one girl praised me of my skills ...
... the proud feeling of being a member of the community and making contributions to that successful party.

... the biggest barriers against our efforts. ................. .T he most precious thing I gained is that everyone is talented in their own ways. Poor grades, bad voices, unskillful hands... are no proof that one lacks talents. Just as Einstein said : '' Everybody is a genius. But if you judge the fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. '' As long as we believe in ourselves and spend time following ...

Great essay. I hope that my edits help you, and that you have success with UWC! I checked as quickly as I could, and it's about 560 words, (give or take a few). I hope to apply there in several years as well. Good luck.
pacifyxer   
Nov 18, 2016
Scholarship / UWC Application 2016 | Largest Problem In My Region [7]

... and multiculturalism of their(its) communities.

OR

Canadians have always prided themselves on the diversity and multiculturalism of their communities.

... as many infant deaths, and spend...

The "native issue(,) " as some call it...

I have found myself (gripped/engaged

By using the Student Newspaper I run called '... ->

By using the student newspaper that I run called "Wings," as a platform, I am able to publish my articles and allow the student body and faculty to read about the native issue that prevents equality in our society.

Furthermore, I attended a talk by Wab Kinew, another ... ->

Furthermore, I attended a talk by Wab Kinew, another ambassador of Indigenous peoples, and plan on interviewing him for another article to increase awareness of this native issue.

I hope this helps somewhat. Overall, this is very well written and has few errors--besides a couple of comments here and there. I tried to go through and fix the commas, but I suggest you run it through a non-Microsoft/Apple editing program to be sure. Good luck with your admission!
pacifyxer   
Nov 22, 2016
Undergraduate / Illegal. Undocumented. Invisible. Vulnerable. I am a DREAMER - Common App essay [3]

I grew-up a person without a country-- or so I was constantly told.
... was brought here as a child unaware of the legal implications of immigration .
..., made me an independent person, and given me motivation.

I now have temporary "legal" permission ...
... I have ever known and have calledmy home for fifteen years. For the first thirteen years, I had absolutely nothing,...
Growing up , on most days I would wake up to the sounds of my parents leaving for work at three in the morning . The lights were so bright and my brother would hold me tighter: after my parents left, it would just be me, him, and my grandmother for a long while. I would not get to ...

... open as my parents left before the birds started to chirp .

... challenged me to break all the stereotypes placed ...
... go to school and hear words of hatehateful words towards me, or towards ...
...because we identified withas Mexican.
... I was very smart,though I still have an accent . Going to college is incredibly important to me and to my family.

Academics waswere also challenging because ...
... from their parents, who at least could speak English.
... because they could not helpme .
... I am now happy to help others as well, and to translate for them.

... give my absolute best until the end . My motivation has only increased with time. Having faced struggles...

I have many goals yet to achieve, and attending ...
... taught me how to better fit - in, but has ...
... feels like an accomplishment in and of itself, and has made me strong and more determined ...
... rather than being a hindrance , my culture is the biggest ...

BLUE = remove

GREEN = replacement

[FINAL COPY--I know it said not to post the whole thing, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not trying to do anything wrong. Word says it is 650 words exactly. I love the way you phrased things and I'm sorry to have to get rid of things, but it was very well-written]
pacifyxer   
Nov 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Formally Written Essay on Why Hillary Clinton Should've Been President [2]

Hillary Clinton was, hands-down, the best viable option for the presidency of the United States. She was the selected Democratic candidate and was running against Donald Trump, the Republican candidate. The time she's had managing office and her stance on economic equality and basic human rights show that she should've been president.

Hillary Clinton would've been the better candidate for the presidency because she simply has more experience. She is married to Bill Clinton, who was the president of the United States from 1993 to 2001 and therefore served as First Lady for eight years. After this invaluable experience dealing with office, she moved on to become the 67th Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013. In this position, she went supported the then-president, Barack Obama, in his foreign policy endeavors and did a lot of behind-the-scenes work to ensure that Iran wouldn't procure a nuclear weapon, to fix the US' relations with Cuba and other foreign policy achievements. Obviously, all this experience in the office would've astronomically helped her handle the undertakings of her presidency, had she been elected. Donald Trump is a media-proclaimed businessman who's been bankrupt six times and who can clearly not handle finance or responsibility responsibly. He does not seem to have learned from these incidents either, proven by the rash decisions made during his run for presidency and his constant refusal to listen to his advisers (Independent News). At the very least, this presidency is a matter of national security. He's uniquely unqualified for this position. The president is to receive nuclear codes, White House coordinates and unilateral authority of militia commandment. Hillary Clinton has proven, with her years after years in office, that she can handle these permissions in a trustworthy and responsible manner. Donald Trump; however, has proven no such thing.

Donald Trump, the Republican candidate was a pointlessly misogynistic and outspoken person that, on many occasions, spoke out about how he would repeal Obamacare and all its perks within his first one hundred days of presidency. This includes free birth control and IUD's. He saw the issues that women face day to day as something that they should "figure out themselves" (New York Times). In terms of equal pay for men and women, he was quoted saying that, "you're gonna make the same if you do as good a job". We are going to assume that by "as good," he's basing quality as a parallel with quantity. If so, this statement is very misogynistic as it relies on the "fact" that women don't work as hard and long as men, even though a study done by the Ponemon Institute, an independent research institute, proves that women work harder and longer than men (Daily Mail and Forbes). Hillary, being a woman herself, understands that equality between genders is a necessity for a growing economy and country. She wants to help children and working parents navigate the early years easily by providing free or cheaper childcare nationwide, further develop Obamacare while keeping birth control at its fixed price and ensure that women are receiving equal wages for the work they do. She stands for wholesome American families that don't have to struggle to pay for child care or rely on a male to bring in larger wages in the case of both parents working.

And lastly; while these subjects may be controversial, most can be explicated down to a selection of basic human rights that Hillary supports. She, above all, stands for equality, meaning equality for wages, women in general and LGBTQ people. She promotes legal immigration and a familial initiative to keep families that immigrated in part to reunite. Her opponent is predominantly racist concerning this challenge and wants to block all immigration coming from countries that were "historically problematical" (read: Mexico and countries dominated by Islamic religion) while allowing those dominated by Caucasian people to process immigration under unfair grounds. Hillary wanted America to continue to be the immigration-born nation that America was and is. She supported the transgender bathroom decree that dictates public schools to open bathrooms and locker rooms per gender identity and the Supreme Court's recent decision to legalize same-sex marriage in all fifty states. Donald Trump; however, seemed to be very indecisive, and mostly negative, surrounding the bathroom issue. He was quoted at one moment saying that transgender people should be allowed to use whichever bathroom they decided, and then backed a vicious bill passed in North Carolina that decreed that all people must use the bathroom associated with their biological sex. He also selected Mike Pence, a notoriously homophobic man that promoted "gay cure" therapy during the election and suggested that the funding for HIV treatment should be replaced with funding for this "gay cure" therapy, as his running mate. Donald Trump also signed a bill legalizing LGBTQ discrimination on the grounds of religion and may move to eradicate the Supreme Court's ruling on LGBTQ once in office. An article written by NYMag explains that while he may not do anything extreme, he will almost certainly halt the process of acceptance. Whether he's against it or not, his coalition-and vice president-certainly are.

All in all, it's easy to see how Hillary Clinton was the superior candidate for this election. She supported elevated versions of the foundations that the US was built on and clearly communicated her views. She planned to continue developing president Obama's achievements and the economy by making higher pay an achievable goal and equal opportunity. She was the Democratic candidate, but besides that factor, the experience that she's had in office, the fact that she understands that child care, equal pay, and birth control availability are fundamental economic challenges and not just 'women's issues' and her stance on controversial subjects like legal immigration, LGBTQ and women's rights show that she should've become president on November 8th, 2016.

SOURCES

"Women Do Work Longer and Harder Than Men." Forbes. Forbes Magazine, n.d. Web.

Peppers, Margot. "Women DO Work Harder than Men: How Female Employees Are Less Prone to Distraction and More Likely to Get a Job Done." Mail Online. Associated Newspapers

"Donald Trump's Six Bankruptcies, Detailed." @politifact. N.p., n.d. Web.

"New Vice President Mike Pence Supported 'gay Cure' Therapy, and Other Terrifying Beliefs." PinkNews. N.p., n.d. Web.

"This Is the Future of LGBT Rights Under President Trump and It's Not Pretty." The Cut. N.p

"Don't Be Fooled That Donald Trump's Advisers Can Tame Him in the White House - He Stopped Listening Months Ago." The Independent. Independent Digital News and Media, n.d. Web.

The assignment was to write a formal essay on why we thought ____ or ____ should/should've been president, using three key ideas for each paragraph. Writing Feedback, please.
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