Posts by agoldie

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / How do you improve the life of others? MIT essay [8]

I'm a big grammar editor because i feel weird editing on personal content, but here's my $.02

"i feel weird when kids call me that since I'm hardly older than they are/ them, but I love that my title is what makes me their guide in their academic development" or something like that.

"infected me with the same enthusiasm to help those younger than me/ others/ younger students/ prospective Math Olympians"
steps is a little vague. I'd specify WHAT steps

"Now, I have the opportunity to encourage kids in my community to..."

"It is necessary to share what I've learned in order to help my students..."

"I like to not just teach a class, but create a constructive/ positive working environment where all students work together to solve a problem."

"I don't just guide them..., I show them techniques/ skills to stand out in contests."
"By sharing my experiences and motivating them to work harder, I guide them to their successes."

cross "see them as my children". maybe, "kindled a strong bond and view them as the next math olympian generation" or "feel connected to them on a personal level" but not my children.

"better people" and comma, not semicolon.

cross happiness. pride conveys that.

"There is no better reward than seeing/ witnessing the success of my students"

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / Brown Supplements: Why studies; places you've lived; community you've been a part of [2]

Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you indicated earlier in this application?

Literature was my first love. At first, it broke my heart. I didn't understand the English letters and couldn't produce sounds I should've been making. I couldn't read. Then, I deciphered Junie B. Jones. While crying in frustration, I laughed a bit at the slapstick humor these books provided. I found friends in fictional characters, and a relatable truth in an ostracized, 'weird' girl.

Eventually, I began writing to find catharsis. I started by imitating my favorite poets and short fiction writers (Emily Dickinson, Etgar Keret, Ernest Hemingway, et al.) until I found my own minimalist voice in creative writing.

English is my second love.

Prose yields repose in a constantly moving world.

Poetry yields expression in abstraction.

Essay writing triggers analytical cognition.

I am passionate about all forms of writing and literature, whether it is The Declaration of Independence, The Dadaist Manifesto, or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Tell us where you have lived - and for how long - since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same place, or perhaps in a variety of places. (100 word limit)

I have lived in an apartment overlooking the Verezano Bridge on the West and Coney Island on the East. I had a red wood boudoir, three shelves of books, purple walls, a queen sized bed. My family was evicted in 2012 from our home on the sixteenth floor.

I lived with my mom and her family for a year. I slept on an air mattress (there were two bedrooms for five people). My clothes were never unpacked (there was no closet).

I live with my grandmother and aunt in a Boynton Beach townhouse since 2013. It is finally home.

We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you. (100 word limit)

I belong to a tight knit group of kids who have felt the frustration of being the first graduating class and taking a high level course the first year it's offered- AICE kids.

This group of <50 peers has made me an empathizing leader. I was able to step out of my shell when I first began to engage in classroom discourse, and again when I initiated AICE study groups. I have seen the same people on Monday mornings and Saturday afternoons. Who knows if these friends are friends for life, but they have definitely been friends for four years.

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / A plethora of opportunities - NYU SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY (WHY NYU?) [4]

ok.
It is a bit too straight forward, but that could be your voice as an individual. Instead of "outside the city", change to "global network" since that's what NYU prides itself on.

it's also a little elementary in language, but again, could be your individual writing style. you repeat diverse a lot. personally, i'm a fan of "___ synonyms" on google b/c it changes it up a bit.

also, scratch "sounds absolutely boring" and instead write WHY you find it so interesting. NYU values individualism- prove that this "boring" topic (which many will disagree on since the environment is, like, super important) is SUPER freaking interesting and show how you'd utilize the resources NYU would provide. You go in depth about the global network in english, but not as much in environmental sci.

Good luck!!!!

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / 'a very fitting school academically and socially for me' - Georgia Tech Supplemental Essay [3]

"can be applied in real world applications" is a bit redundant. Perhaps, "will be applicable in the 'real world'"?

take out "hopefully into my future job". If you know what you want to do, say it. If not, "and into my future career". Job has a funky connotation in my opinion, but I could be reading too deeply.

you sound like you're looking for a party school when you discuss the social aspect of G Tech. You don't sound like a serious student at all ESPECIALLY "let loose sometimes in order to relieve stress". Cross that, discuss how valuable you find socializing with others to be. Maybe how much you learn about a person in casual conversation. How you have a great sense of humor and are able to liven any crowd up. Anything BUT "good time off campus" and "but I know when to let loose...".

My $.02

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / Barnard supplement- possibly too obscure; questionable structure? too idolizing? [3]

Barnard supplement- possibly too obscure; questionable structure? too idolizing?

B. Pick one woman in history or fiction to converse with for an hour and explain your choice. What would you talk about? (100-250 words)

Emma Goldman.

The "Priestess of Anarchy"; the woman who was arrested and jailed several times yet continued to advocate for her fringe views; one who overcame Soviet limitations and created her own culture among likeminded revolutionaries.

One minute: I introduce myself.
Five minutes: I ask if she was involved in the assassination of President McKinley.
Ten minutes: I avow the effect she's had on me as a young woman, from her feminist ideologies and obstinate character to her rejection of communism. The latter would make a particularly compelling tangent- after reading 'My Disillusionment in Russia', I explored various 'ideal' economic systems, some of which are an antithesis to anarchism. Her rebuttals to my points would be the most validating bit.

Twenty minutes: we discuss anarchism in light of recent political activity (assuming she is aware of current news), and the far left leanings towards socialism. This would not be heavy... I just want to hear her speak about what she believes; to witness one of her speeches, albeit a personal one.

Seven minutes of female angst met with wise reassurance: I confess that an ex-boyfriend cheated on me- only because I haven't told anyone this. It was assumed our relationship flickered out because we were a reserved couple. She would understand my frustration, because she, too, was cheated on.

Seven minutes: I ask about the influence of Judaism on her life.
Two minutes: a hug.
This plan gives an eight minute buffer in a conversation with my idol.

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / Operation: Duke Supplementary Essay For Trinity College of Arts & Sciences! [10]

Really good essay, but that last part ("home away from home") seems a little too trite. Maybe, "Duke leads me down the yellow brick road, lined by biology textbooks and fungal dissections, to picking up my real lab coat and fulfilling my dreams of becoming a doctor."

I guess the weirdest part about the last sentence is the tense change. "Duke leads" "and can". If you're set on the cliche, then change the tense in the first part to "Duke will lead".

Also, in the second part, I'm pretty sure admissions knows your intended major. Cut down on word count by omitting the first part in that last sentence: "Duke offers many concentrations to choose from. The one that particularly piques my inters is ....." or however you'll word it.

If you have the word count, maybe say (a question) that's tough that came up after a game of operation and then say that "at duke you'll find the answers to (the question)". Could be a personal touch.

I personally found the first one quirkier but agree with the comments of education over quirk.

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / High School Fair - Extracurricular Activity Supplement [5]

During a High School Fair, I seized the opportunity to network with the families that would attend.

Just by cutting down some sentences you can cut the word count a bit. Instead of the entire "i talked about my cause etc etc raised money etc" talk about the skills you were able to exercise. I'm left thinking, How was this kid a leader here? What did you do except talk to people? Did you delegate a committee? Did you create a positive environment while dozens of families were waiting? Did you heavily impact your cause? How much is a hundred dollars for your group? (My SNHS has a constant goal of 300$ per event, so "hundreds" can mean two with a goal of one hundred or five with a goal of three hundred... I could be overthinking that part but hundreds is genuinely iffy to me). I guess that goes along with what others have said.

Overall, get to the point quicker with your sentences. It'll lower your word count by far.

agoldie

Dec 31, 2016

Undergraduate / Barnard Supplements - my need to be in an empowering, tight knit community of ambitious women [3]

Barnard Supplements- too vague? too repetitive?

A. What factors influenced your decision to apply to Barnard College and why do you think the College would be a good match for you? (100-250 words)

Barnard satisfies my needs

My high school experience has taught me to value individualized study and personal relationships with teachers, as well as the intellectual liberation ardent interaction with my classmates can grant. I seek a college experience that gives me a chance to not just let my voice be heard, but to learn from the voices of distinct peers.

I have perused the Barnard website, first falling in love with the Nine Ways of Knowing, then with Foundations. I love the collective growth found in a structured, rigorous curriculum. I seek an education that is given by experts, through a breadth-y and depth-y study. I seek an education that empowers me to become my best self.

I cannot envision myself in a large city without a beacon of 'Home'. But I cannot envision myself anywhere but a city- one that never sleeps; one that is constantly hustling and moving; one that is saturated with diversity, exploration (urban, self, etc.), and constant growth (architectural, personal, communal, etc.).

It is essential to be in a liberal arts college. I seek an enriching experience, focused on social involvement and taking action to make positive changes- whether it be through volunteer tutoring, teaching ballroom at a retirement home, or interning with a senator.

Barnard satisfies my need to be in an empowering, tight knit community of ambitious women; a yearning for the capital of the world; and an emphasis on liberal arts and global impact.