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Posts by cdrappi
Joined: Aug 27, 2009
Last Post: Dec 21, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 6  
From: United States

Displayed posts: 9
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cdrappi   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Sparked (a personal change from adolescence to maturity) - common app essay [4]

Sparked

Flashes of lightning penetrated the closed blinds. Rain plummeted to the ground. A typical summer thunderstorm, I thought. But God was angry that night, and I was far too submerged in the world of video games to notice. Beguiled by my first-person shooter, I was not fazed by the sound or sight of the storm; however, I was fazed by its feel.

At 1:15 in the morning, Mom hurried to my room to confirm that lightning had struck our house. I followed her to witness it first-hand: the electricity sparked flames, and our house began to ignite. I ran back to my room, grabbed shoes and a sweatshirt, and took a final glance inside. At first, I saw my Xbox and stacks of video games. In the corner, there was my computer, still logged into MySpace. I saw the remains of my favorite midnight snack, pork roll and cheese (Dad always told me it was good at the time, but I'll have my regrets when I get older). My bed was unmade, yet I barely slept - for how could I have dreams? My old cave was sloppy and disorganized, as was my brain. I needed to go. We evacuated our home and watched it burn from the street.

I was removed from my room in more ways than one. We moved to a temporary home, and I soon began to work as a caddy at two different country clubs, spending the remainder of my summer outdoors. There was something ironic about me doing work for another. I often asked myself, how can I carry the bags of others when I cannot carry my own? Each day, I came home physically worn and mentally exhausted - this was the cost of late maturity. But my feeble muscles grew strong and my smooth face became scruffy as I recovered from my beaten-down state. I closed my eyes to sleep, and soon it was all over.

When I returned to school for my junior year, things began to make sense. I applied my persistence as a caddy to newfound diligence as a student. I had been shaped to seek productivity and emerging passions filled my chamber: a collection of books on philosophy and economics, a television tuned into presidential election coverage, and a Chemistry textbook with notes inside the columns. My studies soon paid dividends, and my cognitive abilities began to flourish. I guess those long days in the caddy shack fueled an academic turnaround.

In the summer of '09, we moved back into our original house. When I look at this familiar place today, I see a profound change in scenery - at first driven by hard work, but then sparked by a genuine fixation for learning. Stacks of video games have disappeared and back issues of the New Yorker begin to form piles. With my laptop in front of me, I am entranced by math lectures, eager to indulge in the corresponding problem sets (I always tell my friends that my nerdiness will pay off when I get older). By my bedside, Louisa Guilder's new book on quantum physics lies open, and microparticles seem much more interesting than Microsoft. Knowledge is the new game. My intellect wards off my adolescence. Now I can sleep, and now I can dream.
cdrappi   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "Arabs are the new blacks"; CUNY Mac Honors / Local, National, International problem [2]

I'm going to be totally honest. This is an extremely interesting essay. However, you could do a better job organizing it.

My recommendations: Get to the point early. I was about to click "back" until I read your first sentence. Then, you fiddled around. You're a Muslim, and that's awesome. Include the parts about parents, about being born in USA . . . but don't talk about your "application" or "how the statement pertains to you" explicitly. You're goal is to answer that in the body of your essay.

I would not be so blunt as to say things like ***If I were to ask someone what he or she thought Jihad was, they would - of course - reply, "a holy war."***

--It might be better to use a short, powerful sentence to begin, then to attack your arguments.

You might want to connect this with something you have learned about life. How does overcoming prejudice influence your academics, social life, or family life? When have you learned a priceless lesson from being judged as a Muslim?

Fahim,

you have a truly interesting topic. A slight change in tone and better organization could make this essay not only interesting, but AWESOME.
cdrappi   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Accepted Student weekend' - Why Stanford a good place for you? [4]

This is solid. You clearly demonstrated a unique reason you are interested in the university, as it seems that it's more than just the prestige to you.

A few edits.

"they don't talk about how lucky you are to be at Stanford,"

AndDuring our conversation, he brought up only two things about Stanford: how annoyed he felt about his roommate every time the Big Game comes near, and how upset he is because most of his classmates have already been employed or opened their own business."
cdrappi   
Dec 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Experience, Famous New Yorker, Limerick - NYU Supplement [9]

I like the limerick. Also, the summer essay is good, but the last sentence might come off as selfish because you refer to YOUR needs. If you rephrase that thought to be more reserved, you'll be good.

The New Yorker one says a lot, but I would go with jhtang's suggestions.
cdrappi   
Dec 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Personal Statement involving medicine [2]

"When I am able to give families the good news of their family member will be okay, all of the difficulties of the job are worth it. "

This part might generate a negative response. What if one of the readers recently lost a family member?

It's a thought that makes sense, but you must remember that the readers are humans that have their own experiences which might bias the way they read your essay.
cdrappi   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke Supplement: Why Duke? [3]

2001 was the year I fell in love with Duke. That year, as a boy, I watched the men's basketball team win the NCAA tournament, and dreamed to step on the court one day. While I now accept that this will never happen (I took up golf!), the memory of the Blue Devils' spirit remained with me throughout high school. After two memorable visits this year, I began to sense my boyhood dream of Duke's spirit come alive and started to further discover the layered dimensions of the university's character.

What I find appealing beyond those features that first draw a student-FOCUS, Duke Gardens, K-ville-is Duke's continuous striving to reach for more than its past or its present. The institution, as represented by the students and professors, with whom I spoke, constantly seeks progress and challenges prior thinking, thus fulfilling the ideal of a university to which I aspire to contribute. I have not experienced quite that continual striving for growth in my other college visits and research. I also observed a hidden or non-obvious aspect to the university. Despite its prestige, Duke seems to project a humility that is welcoming and refreshing, one that I could not find in other top universities. With these recent discoveries, I know now why the blue and white loudly and proudly fill Cameron every game. My boyhood dream about Duke is confirmed. I am beginning to understand that the character of a university is the essence behind its spirit. It is with this nascent and gradual understanding that I sincerely hope to be among those fans next fall, when I would whisper to myself: this is where I belong.

Please be brutally honest with me, as I'd rather fix any mistakes / not good things than be offended.
cdrappi   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Intellecutal Interest: Mathematics (Cornell Essay) [5]

Agree. You need to go beyond the "rules." If you really want to go into math, the rules will be broken. Complex numbers broke the "rules." In Abstract Algebra, we can break the rules by dividing by 0, et cetera.
cdrappi   
Sep 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Question on what topic I should write about (math/science applicant) [5]

I'm basically a pure math/science applicant. For my CommonApp essay, I can write about one of a few things:

1) At the beginning of my sophomore year, I tried to skip AB Calc and had to take an admission test. I failed it miserably, was totally humbled, and it has been one of the reasons I flourish at math to this day. (I ended up skipping AB Calc anyways, very successfully)

2) About my experience in a class of all seniors as a junior and how the pressure of that atmosphere made me participate more in a class (BC Calc). This made me challenge peers and even teachers more in this class and others, such as AP Chem or Government and Politics.

3) Non math/science: My house caught on fire after freshman year, and at 1:15 am, I was the only one awake. Needless to say, I got everyone awake and out of my house and we were all safe, including my dog. If I were not awake I'd probably not be here right now.

What say you? I know I'm a math/science applicant but writing about the fire might be a better story. I've tried to write an essay 3 times already and I haven't been satisfied.

Thanks for input.
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