Okay this is my personal statement I plan on using as a secondary essay of a topic of choice about yourself for a few colleges. Does it read okay?
Saving People Through Medical Treatments - Personal Statement
Throughout my life, there have been numerous people that have influenced me. From my parents love, to the encouragement of coaches, and even to my friends support, everyday people affect the way I view the world. My main goal in life is to make a positive impact on the lives of countless people. I plan to achieve this through medicine.
I have had an interest in medicine ever since I was a kid. The idea of curing diseases and saving lives has always intrigued me. Now, as I plan to take the next time in life with college, I am going to turn that interest into a career. In the medical field, I want to impact the lives of many. As a doctor, I will not only be able to doing something of interest, but also be able to help others. I will help patients become healthy and get them back to their normal lives again. Through medicine, I will have the opportunity to end the pain and suffering of my patients. A doctor's aid is not limited to just being physical, it can be mental as well. They are able to give patients hope. Hope that things will turn out alright. When I am a doctor, I plan on giving all my patients endless support along with my dedication. I do not consider myself someone who ever gives up and that will not change when I am a doctor. No matter what challenges or complications I am faced with, I will do whatever it takes to see that my patient gets better.
From experience, having a family member in the hospital can be devastating. On the other hand, receiving the news that that family member is improving can be overwhelmingly reassuring. When I am able to give families the good news of their family member will be okay, all of the difficulties of the job are worth it.
I love helping people in any way possible. Making others happy is what I strive to do. In life, I want to make a difference. Life is meaningless unless it impacts someone else's. What makes me the happiest is being able to know the fact that I made someone else happy. I live for the moments where I know I made a positive impact on someone's life. The chance to save someone's life would be extraordinary. When I am a doctor, I will use all of my skills and knowledge to help as many people as I can. The ability to help and even save lives is what I truly desire. I will work my hardest to influence the lives of so many in such a great way.
"When I am able to give families the good news of their family member will be okay, all of the difficulties of the job are worth it. "
This part might generate a negative response. What if one of the readers recently lost a family member?
It's a thought that makes sense, but you must remember that the readers are humans that have their own experiences which might bias the way they read your essay.
Throughout my life, there have been numerous people that have influenced me.
No starting essays with statements of the obvious! That sentence is not powerful.
Now here is a powerful sentence:
goal in life is to make a positive impact on the lives of countless people. I plan to achieve this through medicine.---> do you notice how it becomes even more powerful when I scratch out the unnecessary adjective "main?"